Paramour
by Snowbear
Summary: In the brief span of 15 minutes, Hermione's life is completely changed. Thrown into the past and then thrust back into the present after spending a year in 10 years ago, she must now come to terms with her own new perspectives on the present. HGSS.
1. Another Shadow in the Corner

**A/N: This story is also written with PhantomTigre. We also started this before Fate's Future (another HGSS story by Snowbear) which is why the two are kind of similar, both story ideas evolved around the same time. This is not canon with the seventh book, though inadvertent similarities exist. Please enjoy and give us your feedback, critique is appreciated. **

"Hermione!"

Hermione looked up from the book she was reading, wondering in a cold absent sort of way what it was this time. Ginny ran into the dormitory, her red hair down and around her face, obscuring the tears that her voice couldn't hide. Hermione gently closed her book and asked softly, "Where is Harry?"

Ginny stopped before Hermione and brushed the tears angrily from her eyes, "I don't care! I don't _care! _I don't know what to do with him anymore."

"Tell me where he is- if need be I'll put the Cruciatus on him until he talks," Hermione said with a frustrated sort of sigh.

Ginny momentarily looked mortified; she shoved a lock of red hair from her eyes once more and stared at Hermione, her expression at once fierce and unsure and she finally said, "Don't bother. It won't help."

"Just ignore him," Hermione suggested, shifting her position on her bed in the dormitory, "He has a push-back complex. You chase him away, and he'll come back and try all the harder."

"I don't want him to come back anymore," Ginny answered darkly, "And if I do, he'll just be all the worse. He'll probably commit suicide or murder someone."

"Is it that bad?" Hermione asked softly, her eyes probing her friend's face.

Ginny shrugged and then nodded, and said fervently, "I _care_ about him, Hermione, I really do. I just don't know how to help him."

A light breeze slipped in through an open window in the dormitory. It was early October, and the days were still nice. It was sometimes hard to imagine they still had an entire year of schooling to go through with, it almost seemed unreal. _School_. What is school? Hermione wondered, after all they'd been through? No wonder Harry was depressed. Hermione suspected if it weren't for Harry, Ron would be much worse. It was like Harry's depression made Ron unable to succumb to his own. Hermione didn't know where that put her. She supposed she was probably- from a clinical point of view- in some sort of denial, but either way, she mostly felt numb about what had happened.

"I'll talk to Harry," Hermione said, and felt like the words no longer meant anything. She'd talked to Harry so many times- it was like her words just bounced off the dark shell of his soul. They were empty words, but it helped Ginny. As much as she hated to admit it, Hermione was as in the dark as Ginny was- she had no idea what to do for Harry. She stood up anyway, and walked out of the dormitory, Ginny's grateful eyes trailing her the entire way.

_For Ginny_, Hermione thought, _I will probably end up doing this a thousand more times. Maybe I'll finally get through Harry's thick skull in that amount of time… then again, if it takes that long it'll probably be too late for Ginny._

Harry was sitting outside, under the tree by the lake. He looked like a little dark shadow, a skeleton lingering in a future it didn't belong in. A ghost. Hermione shivered, and walked down to him. Soft, warm sunlight played on her face. It made Hermione sad in an aching way- it was so nice out, yet she hardly even noticed it even more. The weather didn't matter. She recalled in her first year, and even second, being delighted at every bit of nice weather, at Harry and Ron's insistence they take a break from studying to take advantage of the niceness. Where was Ron anyway?

Harry looked up as she approached. There were dark hollows under his green eyes. He really did look like a skeleton. How many times had the Cruciatus been put on him? Hermione shuddered, and pushed that thought away.

"Ron already talked to me," Harry said, his voice almost a whisper. His face glistened faintly with sweat, and his glasses seemed a little low on his nose. The sweat somehow humanized him- put warmth in his face where there was usually none. Hermione went over and sat down beside him, letting an exasperated sigh slip from her lips- though she felt immediately afterwards that she was being too harsh with him.

"This is the third time Ginny's come to me," she told him, giving him a level gaze. Harry sighed, and looked away.

"I'm sorry," Harry answered, his voice hollow as he let his gaze drift across the lake. Hermione looked at his hands, resting on his knees, and noticed they were shaking slightly, almost uncontrollably. She thought, in an offhand sort of way, that he was attractive- she could see why Ginny liked him. She'd kind of had a crush on him in her first year- but then again, what girl hadn't?

"People don't see me," Harry said a while later, and let an exhausted sigh slip through him, "I'm the walking dead. All they see is what's happened to me, the people that have died around me. They're afraid of me."

A harsh laugh escaped his lips, "_I'm_ afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you Harry," Hermione said, "And neither is Ginny. Nor Ron. And we're the ones that matter."

Harry picked up one of his hands and looked at it, turning it over and then looked at Hermione and said, "I should have died."

They stared at each other for a long moment and then Hermione said, "There is no 'should have' Harry."

Harry looked away, then tore up a few clumps of grass, letting the damp green stalks fall away beneath his fingers. He sighed again. He and Hermione stared off into the distance as the sun slowly crept through the sky.

OOO

As Hermione walked off a while later, she vaguely remembered that she was supposed to have talked to Harry about getting back together with Ginny. It hadn't seemed the time though. The words weren't right. She sighed, and thrust her hands into her pockets. Everything was so crazy, so hectic. It was surreal. When talking to Ginny, she felt angry at Harry, and prepared to knock him from his depression. When talking to Harry, she felt sympathetic for him, and could not get herself to say anything harsh to him- he deserved to be depressed, if he wanted to. It was almost like he needed to be depressed for a while, and he'd come out on his own, when he was ready. After all he'd done, Harry Potter deserved to do things at his own pace. Hermione didn't really feel she had the right to tell him what to do.

She stepped into the Great Hall, and was immediately met with the buzz of student activity. She looked over the heads of students studying, snacking, and playing games. She quickly spied Ron, deep into a Wizard's Chess game with some student she didn't know. She supposed it was his way of escaping. Draco Malfoy lounged in a corner, a broody look on his handsome face. She felt an odd sense of pity for him. Malfoy was really nothing but another victim. She was no longer able to muster up any sort of anger towards him. She led her eyes slide once more, and as they did, she saw so many faces that had a distance in their eyes. Professor Snape sat up at the head table, watching over the students with a dark eye, another shadow in the corner. Another mystery. Hermione sighed, and wondered. Harry claimed they had irrevocable proof that Snape was really on the Order's side. She didn't dispute that- he had proven such in the final battle. But Harry refused to tell anyone _why. _He said it was too personal- he'd felt wrong knowing it himself. Hermione didn't press him, but she, like everyone else, wanted an answer. No one took Dumbledore's death lightly.

So many people had been touched by the war. So many people were still affected by it. Such a terrible thing. It all felt like a dream. Hermione imagined any moment she'd wake up, and the war would just be a future impending doom sort of thing, something she could ignore and focus on intensely at the same time. This- this postwar, post apocalypse atmosphere… she couldn't register it.

As she looked down the Great Hall, she saw a great many faces there were untouched, too. Faces of people who only knew Lord Voldemort as a faceless fear, and anonymous enemy. Now he was gone, and they could go on with their lives, joyfully experiencing Hogwarts to its fullest. Hermione realized sadly that she would never, could never, have gone through Hogwarts like all the others. Her life was far to entwined with Harry Potter's.

She turned away from the Great Hall and wandered into the hallways, feeling alone and drifty, awash in a sea of chaotic reality. She wished it would get cold soon. It was still too much like summer. The memories were still too fresh. They were all plagued by nightmares, dark, horrible, and inescapable ones that made you wake with a scream on your lips and too scared to let it out.

A shiver ran down Hermione's spine, unrepressed. She wrapped her arms around her and walked quicker, rushing into the Gryffindor common room, warm in reds and golds and comforting. A sigh of relaxation was released from within Hermione as she sat down in front of the fire place, that had a mild fire going in it even now. The House Elves knew what people needed, and even though the weather was nice, people needed warmth. They needed that nice, reassuring crackle of fires. Hermione thought half heartedly about SPEW, and then decided it was too much stress to even dredge up her opinions on that matter, and let herself sink into a half doze, staring into the flames. She had studying to do, but for once she didn't feel like doing it. Harry had worn her out. Her essays could wait- well, technically she'd already written them, but she still needed to reread them several more times to make sure there wasn't any spelling or factual errors. As Head Girl, she had to set a good example. Getting anything less than an Outstanding on _anything _would be entirely unacceptable. Hermione sighed, feeling a headache coming on, and dragged herself up. Time to study.

OOO

"Harry's drunk," Ron said frowning into his butterbeer. Hermione glanced back into the corner of the Three Broomsticks where Harry was draining another tankard of Madame Rosemerta's finest mead. At least he looked moderately happy, or perhaps just out of it. Hermione hoped Ginny wouldn't see him. Harry Potter, the Boy who Drank. Hermione stifled a laugh; maybe Harry wasn't the only one drinking a little too much.

"We have got to do something about him," Ron commented, still looking down into his butterbeer. He'd hardly drank any of it.

"Oh, let him have his few hours of bliss," Hermione said offhandedly. Ron gave her a look and Hermione straightened her face.

"I wasn't talking about drinking," Ron answered, "I mean we've all suffered and him the most, but he needs to get out of this funk."

"I don't feel like it's our responsibility," Hermione said softly, "Or anyone's. He saved the world."

"That doesn't mean he doesn't need someone to tell him what to do," Ron reminded her, "With Dumbledore gone, he doesn't have an adult figure in his life anymore. We're all he has left. And even if we don't feel right shoving him around, it's what he needs."

"And how do you know what Harry needs?" Hermione snapped, but immediately felt guilty at her tone of voice, she hardly felt like herself anymore.

"Bloody hell," Ron said shaking his head in defeat, "I thought everything would be perfect once it was over. Everything would be easy; good. Not like this. Happy. It would be happy."

"I think it will be a long time before any of us can be truly happy," Hermione said softly, "Every night… all those people who died… our classmates."

Hermione couldn't say their names, refused to see their faces in her mind. So many faces. So many dead bodies, carcasses. She shoved away her butterbeer. Ron was silent.

"I think its going to take Harry twice as long as the rest of us," Hermione added glancing back to where Harry was sprawled in his chair, "Unless we help him."

"What should we do?" Ron asked following her gaze, "What can we do?"

"Let's go throw him in the lake for a start," Hermione said and felt like laughing again. She mentally slapped herself. Get a grip Hermione, this is real; this is life.

Ron smiled, but it was an empty smile, contained to his lips, not extended over his face the way she remembered it.

"Okay," he said standing up, as if glad to abandon his drink. He met Hermione's eyes now and Hermione felt a jolt of connection. Ron was real, and the world suddenly felt a little more concrete.

"Okay," Hermione agreed. They stalked over to Harry's table and grabbed his arms.

"Hey guys," he said with a smile that faded when they pulled him to his feet.

"We're getting you out of here," Ron told him.

"Let me go," he protested weakly, struggling as much as his body would allow him to in his state.

"That's enough for tonight," Hermione said sternly taking the bottle of mead from his hand and placing it back on the table.

"Oh," Harry glanced back at the table longingly as the pulled him out into the cool air of the night. His head flopped around on his shoulders a little bit as he tried to get his legs to move beneath him. Together she and Ron managed to lift him up enough to move.

It took them nearly twice as long as it normally did to get back up to the castle grounds dragging Harry along and both she and Ron were breathing hard by the time they saw the lake glistening before them in the moonlight. It was starting to get a little bit chilly.

The next bit was downhill and as the grass was getting wet with dew Harry's shoes slid quite easily along the ground. Hermione shivered, shrugging off the feeling that he was a bit like a corpse at this stage of inebriation.

"Where are you taking me?" Harry mumbled, barely conscious.

"Don't worry," Hermione said soothingly, feeling rather manipulative.

"It's a little cold- maybe we shouldn't," Ron said as they neared the lake, glancing through the darkness at Hermione.

"Cold is good for you," Hermione replied smartly, heaving Harry up higher on her shoulder, "Makes your metabolism work harder."

"Cause Harry needs to lose weight," Ron snorted, but continued walking anyway.

At the edge of the lake they gently set Harry down, resting him on the grass. He promptly fell over into a doze, his glasses crooked on his face. Hermione glanced around the lake, but it was dark, and she couldn't see anyone. It was also quiet.

"We're safe," Hermione concluded to Ron, "No one around."

"He looks peaceful," Ron mused, staring down at Harry.

Hermione peered down at him. It was true, in part. She supposed he only ever got rest when he was in deep sleep, and not dreaming. Hermione suddenly felt very bad for him, and wondered why they were throwing him in the lake for suffering with post Voldemort depression.

"Well, into the lake with him anyway," Hermione said, shoving some hair out of her face, "He's been moping too long."

"I only hope he doesn't wake up and kill us," Ron said with chuckle, running a hand through his hair and looking up at the stars that twinkled overhead, just as they had before Voldemort, and just as they always would- well, relative to humanity, anyway.

"Or drown," Hermione added dryly, and nodded to Ron. They picked Harry back up, cradling him together in their arms.

"Ready?" Ron asked and Hermione nodded.

They swung, and released at the far end of the curve. Harry's body sailed through the air, going more down than sideways. His robes fluttered. He belly flopped into the water with an excruciatingly large splash. His body sunk down into the shallows. In the sound of the splash, Hermione thought she heard something else but then-

"BLARGH!" Harry yelled, leaping from the water, spraying droplets everywhere. His glasses were gone, and he looked pale and skinny, his robes clinging to his light frame.

"Hermione! Ron!" he yelled, staring at them accusingly through narrowed eyes that struggled to see.

"You were drunk," Hermione said pertly, "Now go up to the castle and put some dry clothes on. And go to bed."

Harry stared at her for a long moment, then fished out his wand, summoned his glasses, attempted to wipe them off with a sleeve, and placed them on his face. Then he stared at them again, peering at each of his friends for a prolonged amount of time. With a sigh, he then, trudged out the water and squished back up to the castle. Hermione and Ron watched him go.

"Does he hate us?" Ron wondered amiably.

"He won't remember in the morning," Hermione said, wondering to herself if that was a good or bad thing.

"First step in Project Reclamation of Harry Potter," Ron said with a grin, turning to Hermione.

"Don't get too happy yet," Hermione reminded him glancing back at Harry's receding figure. A sound from the other side of the lake stopped her again and she turned back to gaze at the lake's black water.

"What?" Ron asked, his voice hushed.

"Wait here," she said to him.

She looked again towards the lake and noticed the figures of a few students on the shore and sighed heavily. They were small enough that they were probably second years, maybe first years. They shouldn't be out here at this time of night, but then again she and Harry and Ron really shouldn't have been in Hogsmeade this time of night either. Maybe being Head Girl had its perks after all.

"Why?" Ron inquired rather loudly.

"Shut up," Hermione hissed, "Some students. I'll take of it."

Ron sat down heavily in the grass as Hermione strode down to the water, grass crunching under her feet. She hoped they weren't daring each other to find the squid, the last time little pipsqueak first years had done that one of them had ended up getting stuck in the mud at the bottom of the lake. Or even worse, they could be skinny dipping. Hermione felt her face get a little warm; she was not in the mood to deal with horny twelve year olds either. She got closer, all ready to bitch at them and noticed that something was out of place. They were mostly silent, gathered around a shallow pool on the shore of the lake.

A spell; they were doing a spell. Hermione paused, hit hard with the memories of her, Harry, and Ron sneaking off in the middle of the night to do spells that would have gotten them in ridiculous amounts of trouble had they not already been involved in matters much larger than which spells were allowed and which weren't. They all tried to pretend like they got punished just as fairly as other students did, but the name Harry Potter did have an influence, as did the shadow of Voldemort lingering behind it. A shadow which seemed to hang even the more over him now.

The students were talking in hushed whispers, they hadn't noticed her yet. She crept forward, hoping to hear what they were discussing. One of the students poured a flask of liquid into the water and it lit up suddenly in flashes of blue and red.

Pushing her curiosity away Hermione stepped forward and coughed loudly. Four first year eyes jerked up, wide and startled.

"Students are supposed to be in bed by this hour," she told them sternly, "And potion-making is most certainly not allowed outside of the castle without express permission or supervision."

They stared at her, blankly; silent.

"Oh Merlin's beard," she sighed exasperated, "What do you think you're doing down here?"

"A spell?" one of them offered.

"Obviously," Hermione retorted. One of them snickered and elbowed the other. The other dropped the other flask he was carrying which landed with a soft plunk into the liquid. It seemed to Hermione that it didn't sound like a flask hitting water, rather more like a pudding.

"Blimey!" the boy who'd been holding the flask exclaimed as the pool started belching smoke and heat.

"Hermione!" she heard Ron yell from somewhere behind her. She started to turn around but realized that the smoke had completely obscured her vision.

"Lumos," she said pulling out her wand.

It did little to help. Blue smoke billowed around her spiraling upwards. She could make out some tree branches and hear the muffled yelps of the first years.

"Crap," Hermione muttered under her breath, turning around hoping to catch a glimpse of Ron. Suddenly a small figure barreled into her shoving her off to the side.

"Sorry!" he squeaked. Hermione's back hit something soft and she felt herself sinking down into warmth and darkness.

**A/N: We know we haven't gotten to the main plot here yet... but we promise lots of yummy HGSS scenes to come!! (And some HGDM thrown in too just for fun.) Please review! **


	2. Wouldn’t Someone Remember?

**A/N: And now begins the interesting stuff. Once more, we wrote the roughs for this before the 7th book... maybe even the 6th heh I can't remember,and we made up our own ending. As we rewrite we'll be trying to make it fit canon (except Snape doesn't die and therefore Harry doesn't tell his entire story to all of Hogwarts) so if anything pops out as odd, that's why.  
**

Ron beat his way out of the smoke and stumbled onto the lawn before Hogwarts, coughing. When the smoke cleared from his eyes and nose he straightened up, and looked back into the now clearing smoke. Hermione was no where to be seen.

"Hermione!" he yelled, his eyes searching the area. The stupid first years were still there, huddled together looking frightened and confused. Ron ran over to them and said, "Where is Hermione?"

None of them answered. Ron sighed and then growled and spat out, "One of you go get the Headmistress, now!"

They all burst out of their clump and ran up the lawn towards the entrance to Hogwarts. Ron sighed and watched them go, hoping three was enough to bring his old transfiguration teacher.

"Hermione!" Ron yelled again. His voice echoed across the lake, "HERMIONE!"

When their was no answer, he turned and stared at the pool the students had been fiddling with. It looked just like water. Ron crept over to it and knelt, staring down- had Hermione fallen in? He poked his finger in- it was icy cold- and only two inches deep. It was hiding no bodies.

"Bugger this," Ron muttered darkly and stood back up, brushing off his robes and looked around the area, "Hermione! Hermione!"

There was a shout from the castle and Ron looked up as Headmistress McGonagall burst from the light into the darkness, her wand out as she strode down the lawn, the first years- and Professor Snape, trailing behind her.

"What happened?" Professor McGonagall asked curtly, staring pointedly at Ron.

"I.. I don't really know," Ron answered, feeling a bit helpless, "Hermione and I were down here, by the lake, when she spied the first years and went over to tell them to go to bed. I heard a shout, so I followed, but there was only smoke. When it cleared, Hermione was gone."

Professor McGonagall looked around, but apparently she found no Hermione either, so she turned to Professor Snape, and the first years. They almost cowered. Ron surmised this was probably their first encounter with the Headmistress where they were at fault for a large problem.

"And what were _you_ doing?" she asked the three students.

"It was… a spell," one of the spoke up- the one with messy brown hair.

"What _sort_ of spell?" Professor Snape interjected, his face unreadable.

"A potion spell," another answered- the shortest one.

"It was to see back in time," the third said, speaking up bravely.

Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall exchanged uneasy glances. Ron frowned, and glanced back at the pool, suddenly feeling extremely uneasy. The water rippled slightly with a breeze, looking cool and calm, belying the events that had recently disturbed it. Ron shivered- what had started out as a lighthearted evening was turning into something much more sinister.

"You used that pool?" Professor McGonagall asked and the group's gaze turned towards the water.

"Yes," the braver first year confirmed, "We… it was forbidden but we…"

"What did you use and what were the instructions? Do you have them?" Professor Snape interrupted, staring down the first year student.

"No, uh," he paused, looking at his friends for support before continuing, "We memorized the words to say after emptying the potion into the looking glass- and the potion we made beforehand."

Professor Snape knelt down by the pool, prodding it with his wand for a moment before turning back to ask the first year another question, "What time were you attempting to view, Podrick?"

"Josh?" Podrick looked at the brown haired boy.

"It was… my mother," Josh said, looking down, "She… died three years ago. We were looking back ten years. Liam said he saw this spell in a book, and he said it looked easy so we…"

"Say no more," Professor Snape stopped him, looking frustrated, "I _will_ want to know later exactly _why_ you had hold of H. Hildegard's Potions for the Advanced, Volume Seven."

The first years looked mortified. Ron growled under his breath and said, "So where is Hermione? Did she fall in somehow?"

"That, Mr. Weasley, is what we are here to find out," Professor Snape drawled darkly, turning back to the pool.

"Well?" Ron poked in a few minutes later.

"Need I remove you, Weasley?" Professor Snape practically hissed as he inched his wand out over the pool, his voice down to a low hiss.

Ten minutes later the Potions Master stood up and looked at Ron and the Headmistress. His expression was grave as he spoke, "Miss Granger did, indeed fall in. I cannot, however, trace her location. I surmise, since our troublesome friends did not manage to complete the spell, and thus specify a location, that she is somewhere on the Hogwarts grounds."

"Where?" Ron jumped at.

"Ten years ago," Professor Snape added.

Ron stared at Snape, aghast. Silence stretched between the six of them. The Headmistress coughed and Snape glanced over at her, then continued.

"It may be possible to retrieve her," the Potions Master admitted, "However- be comforted by the fact that if we cannot, she is still here, ten years older, and waiting for this day to present herself."

"Ten years?" Ron repeated.

"Yes, Weasley, ten years," Professor Snape answered with a sharp look.

"Shall we begin?" the Headmistress inquired.

Snape nodded, then turned to Ron and said, "Kindly escort the first years back to their respective dormitories. You will be notified shortly of our efforts."

"Isn't there something-" Ron started to say.

"No, Mr. Weasley, there is not," Professor McGonagall said, "I am sure Mr. Potter would like to know of Miss Granger's predicament."

Ron growled under his breath, but obeyed, stamping up the lawn back to Hogwarts, the first years scampering behind him. They were all Ravenclaws- which, he supposed, explained their relative success in handling the spell. He quickly shunted them off to their dormitory with a good, "If Hermione doesn't come back you had better watch out!" and then stomped himself up to the Gryffindor common room.

"You seem in a fine mood," the Fat Lady commented as she swung open to let Ron through after he angrily muttered the password.

Harry was not in the common room- nor was anyone else, so Ron ran up the steps to the Seventh Year Boy's Dormitory, slamming inside and hurrying over to Harry's bed, where faint snores were droning from behind the curtains.

"Harry!" Ron hissed loudly, pulling the curtains back, "Wake up you prat! Hermione's missing!"

"Huh?" Harry asked, slowly rising into wakefulness- then what Ron had said registered and he sat up quickly, "What?"

"After you went up we saw some first years doing something they shouldn't have been- Hermione went to investigate. It was some time potion, and in an accident, she fell in. Snape and McGonagall are trying to get her back…"

"What?!" Harry said, jumping up and slipping a robe over his pajamas and yanking on a pair of sneakers, "Where?"

"Follow me," Ron answered, and they ran out of the Gryffindor tower, and back out onto the lawn. Ron could just make out the two tall forms of Professors Snape and McGonagall and he rushed towards them, Harry tagging at his heels.

"What's going on?" Harry demanded as they slid to a halt on the wet grass, his eyes flashing behind his glasses.

"Mr. Potter"- Professor Snape started to say but Professor McGonagall cut him off.

"We are in the midst of retrieving Miss Granger, please refrain from talking," she said, her gaze fixated on the pool.

After an excruciating ten more minutes Professor Snape shouted something that neither Harry nor Ron could make out and the pool started bubbling. In a moment, it spat out Hermione's form with a sort of gulping noise, then fell quiet, leaving a motionless Hermione curled up in the pool. Her hair was undone and seemed longer than Ron recalled it. She was also wearing something different- some light navy blue robes.

"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed and stepped forward, but a long arm snaked out in front of him, and Snape leveled his eyes at Harry.

"Wait," he said with narrowed eyes, "We do not know what has happened to her."

Professor McGonagall's wand lit up, casting a strong light over the area. Hermione slowly opened her eyes and then leapt to her feet with a scream that only half left her throat. She stumbled backwards into Harry and Ron, staring at Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape.

"Severus?" she asked, her eyes wide as she turned to see who she bumped into, "What's happened?"

"Hermione!" Ron said urgently, turning her around to face him, "Are you all right?"

"I… Ron?!" Hermione straightened up, staring at him with something that was a mix of disbelief and horror. Her glance flickered over to Harry and she demanded, "Where am I?"

"Hogwarts," Ron said, his hands still on her shoulders, "You fell into those barmy first year's potion…"

"I… I did?" Hermione asked, and a expression of awful realization and pain crossed her face, "No… You brought me back?!"

"Yeah," Harry said, looking uncomfortably confused at Hermione, "Well, it was really Snape and Professor McGonagall. Are you… okay?"

"I…" Hermione whirled around to face the Professors and said while staring at Professor Snape, "Not really, but physically, yes."

She looked back to Harry and Ron and said, "Someone conjure me something warmer? I'm afraid I left my school robes behind."

Hermione glanced over at Professor Snape, in which her face first turned red, and then back to a flushed and scared white. Harry raised his wand and summoned a robe for Hermione. She stood up, dripping water from the puddle, and quickly pulled it over her nightshirt, wrapping it around her and added, "It's colder than I remembered."

"How long were you gone?" Professor McGonagall inquired, her voice holding overtones of… something. Ron had the feeling he was missing something.

"A year…" Hermione said and then looked at the sky, "It feels like longer."

"Bloody hell!" Ron exclaimed. Harry looked equally mortified.

"Are you _okay_?" Harry wanted to know again.

"We should take Miss Granger to the Hospital Wing," the Headmistress suggested, "And make sure her… journey, did not upset her in any way."

"I'm fine," Hermione said fiercely, looking at McGonagall, "I just… Let's get into the castle either way."

"What did you _do_?" Ron inquired, hovering around Hermione as they made their way up to the castle, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Hermione insisted, "I arrived at that exact spot. It was… ten years ago. I simply went to the Headmaster, explained everything to him, and waited- well I didn't wait, I mean, I've been trying to find a way back on my own, oh and teaching some classes too…"

"Why doesn't anyone remember you then?" Harry interrogated, "If you were so involved… wouldn't someone remember?"

"I remember," McGonagall said from ahead, "Madeline Saunders?"

Hermione nodded, her gaze oddly expressionless, "That's me."

"That's just _barmy_," Ron put in, staring at Hermione with a sort of amazed expression on his face.

"Didn't you know?" Harry asked to McGonagall, "I mean, when you saw Hermione? Did you know she'd end up going back in time?"

"I didn't recognize her until now," the Headmistress said, "For which, I apologize. It was ten years ago, and the eleven year old Hermione Granger neither resembled nor acted like Madeline Saunders. I had no reason to connect the two in my mind."

"Well," Ron said, as they entered the school, "Well… that's just it then, now isn't it?"

Hermione glanced at him and then said, "I'll tell you two all about it in the morning- my brain is just… I need some time to settle back in."

"I still insist upon your seeing Madame Pomfrey. The first years who cast that spell… were inexperienced to say the least," Professor McGonagall said, and this time Hermione relented.

"Time travel is so wacked," Ron said and Harry nodded in agreement.

"It's only been fifteen minutes here," Harry informed Hermione. She stared over at him.

"Truly?" she asked, then a short laugh escaped her lips, and she touched Harry's damp hair, "That was the most interesting fifteen minutes of my entire life. We… we threw you in the lake, didn't we?"

"Yeah," Harry said, then peered at Hermione, concern written on his face as they followed the Professors through the silent halls, "Are you sure… you seem- did something happen?"

Hermione quickly shook her head, looking back up to stare at Harry, "No," then she glanced away and bit her lip and said, "I'll tell you both everything, just… later."

They arrived at the Hospital Wing and McGonagall ushered Hermione in as the lights flickered on. Someone down the row moaned and mumbled something that sounded like, "Turn off the lights!"

Madame Pomfrey emerged from her office, took one look at the group, and strode over to Hermione, exclaiming, "And what exactly has happened to _you_, young lady?"

"Uh…" Hermione said as she was towed to an empty bed by the nurse.

Professor McGonagall motioned Harry and Ron to stay put while she went over with Hermione to explain what had happened. All Ron could make out was faint whispers. He glanced over an realized Professor Snape was gone. A moment later McGonagall ushered Harry and Ron out and closed the door.

As explanation, she offered, before closing them out, "I need a word with Miss Granger alone."

"What about?" Harry demanded, trying to peer back inside the Infirmary.

"What do you think?" the Headmistress asked tartly. With that, she closed the door leaving Harry and Ron alone.

**A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed the first, introductory and without much plot chapter! PhantomTigre and I love feedback and critique too, to make the next chapters better! We hope this chapter lives up to your expectations! Once more, thank you: **

**Snoochy **

**LK-HoGwArTs-hEaDgIrL**

**notwritten  
**


	3. The Dungeons Were Cool

**A/N: Sorry about the wait, I've been a bit busy lately. Here's the next chapter!**

_Hermione looked up as the door to the Infirmary opened, and a dark shape slipped quietly in. It was past dinner, who was coming in now? As the shape approached Hermione identified it as Professor Snape. She sighed and leaned back into her pillows, waiting for him to reach her bedside and wondering exactly what he was here for. Her arms still ached from the potion burns on them, and she didn't really feel like getting into a verbal spar with him._

"_Miss Saunders?" he inquired as he stepped up, his hands folded behind his back. Hermione couldn't quite make out his face- the lights had already gone off and she didn't have the energy to get her wand, so the lighting was up to him. She supposed he liked it dark, why else would he hold his class in the dungeons?_

"_Yes, sir?" she responded slowly, feeling the dull pounding ache in her arms even more as she remembered the potion exploding in front of her and Snape's rapid curses as he rushed over, his wand waving…_

_Professor Snape coughed slowly and then said, "I apologize for my previous incompetence in recognizing the inherent dangers in making that potion and for not making sure proper safety protocol was followed."_

_He paused, then added, "And for insinuating that your potion skills are anything less than highly advanced."_

_Hermione's thought process paused and went over his words in her head several more times. Did that mean he thought her potion skills _were_ highly advanced? Was this Snape's way of giving a compliment? It was definitely an apology- and that was unnerving enough as it was. _

"_No- I," Hermione started and then settled for a soft, "Thank you." Now it was Hermione's turn to hesitate before saying, "Though it was my fault as well."_

Hermione slowly drifted out of sleep and remembered that that had been the start of it all. The first time Severus had ever said anything nice to her. She sighed and rolled over in her Hospital bed, staring into the lightening infirmary, and feeling thoroughly depressed. He'd disappeared after she'd gotten up to the Hospital Wing. What did that mean? Why did Harry and Ron have to get her back _then_, after so long?

"Damn it!" she yelled into her pillow and punched it for good measure, hoping no one came in so she could have some time to think. Trust Harry and Ron to visit her whenever they got the chance though. She was terribly glad to see them but…

It had been _ten years_, yet _she_ could still feel his lips against hers, his hands trailing down her waist. She could still see him watching her, as she lay with her eyes half closed, pretending to be asleep. Why did it have to be that way? What was he thinking now, all this time later?

"Oh heavens… I just _disappeared_," she whispered, "He must _hate_ me." She realized with a shudder that it was probably worse after ten years- he probably didn't care anymore. She felt a heavy weight settle on her heart and her throat constricted- she'd lost him. After spending so much time avoiding him- a relationship with him, when she finally gave up hope that she'd never return, when she started to settle into being with him… It was like part of heart was being torn out.

_They ripped me away from him_, Hermione thought despairingly and felt tears leaking out of her eyes unbidden. She turned her face back into her pillow as sobs wracked her body and she clutched at the edges of the pillow.

There was a creak as the door to the Hospital Wing opened and Hermione heard Harry and Ron enter, speaking in low voices. She pressed her face harder into the pillow and tried to muffle her crying.

"Hermione?" she heard Harry say softly as their footsteps approached her bed. She sniffled heavily to get the crying to stop, then rolled back over to meet Harry and Ron's gazes with a half hearted smile.

"'Mione?" Ron asked and Hermione willed her red, tear streaked face to disappear- she didn't want to have to try and explain to them why she was absolutely miserable to be back. But oh it _was_ good to see their faces again.

"I've missed you two so much," she managed to whisper, pulling herself up into a sitting position and rubbing her eyes with a long breath.

"You doing okay?" Harry wanted to know and Hermione almost laughed- a year ago she'd been so worried about him and how he was doing, and now that she was back their positions had almost switched. She wondered if Ginny had managed to knock sense into him- then realized it'd only been a day here.

"Okay… yes," she nodded and then shrugged, looking down, "Shock I suppose."

"Where did you come up with the name Madeline Saunders?" Ron wanted to know, looking a bit uncomfortable. Hermione was glad for the change in subject.

"I… Dumbledore made it up," she said, and then the tears started coursing down her face again, totally out of control.

Harry sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her tightly, and Hermione sensed he was crying too. After a moment Ron moved to Hermione's other side and sat down too, putting an arm around her shoulders and leaning his head against hers. Somehow, it only made her cry harder, in gasping sort of desperate sobs. She wrapped her arms around both of them as well, and despite all of her crying, she felt somewhat comforted. She would never be alone as long as she had Harry and Ron.

When her crying finally died down she leaned back against her pillows and stared at the ceiling. Harry and Ron remained where they were, each looking in a different sort of way, lost in their own thoughts.

"He was… alive," Hermione whispered after a moment, "At first I didn't know what had happened. I went up to his office, looking for McGonagall and when I came in, he was standing there, his back to me, staring at some of the portraits and… he looked so _young_ Harry- I mean not young young, but younger than he was before… That was a world where Lord Voldemort was not a reality. Everyone was so relaxed and happy… at ease. No one, well I suppose Dumbledore knew he was coming back, but no one else thought so. At first I kept waiting to be suddenly jerked back, but when it didn't happen I started looking for my own way back. I never found one though- I think it must be impossible to travel forward in time, because it hasn't happened, you know?"  
"We got you back though," Harry said quietly, looking over at Hermione.

"Well yes," she said, "But that is because you were already there- here. It was the past for you."  
"Does that even make sense?" Ron wondered.

"Nothing about time travel makes sense," Hermione said, and choked back another low sob, turning it into an uncomfortable cough.

"You're okay though, right? I mean the actual traveling didn't hurt you?" Ron asked.

"No," Hermione said, shaking her head as well.

As if on cue, Madame Pomfrey entered and announced, "Even if _you_ don't notice any, there could still be longer lasting ill affects that will not be immediately apparent."  
"There weren't any last time," Hermione countered.

"Well that was then and this is now," the Nurse answered curtly, "I'm keeping you in here for at least another few days just to make sure."  
"What's a few days of missed classes after a year?" Hermione wondered softly, under her breath.

"But you haven't missed any classes," Harry pointed out.

"Does this mean you're eighteen now?" Ron inquired.

Hermione laughed softly and replied, "Yes. It does." Severus had gotten her a gift for her birthday- that had only been a month or so ago. He'd gotten her a set of books- all on potions, of course. He'd written in them too- that had surprised her. Severus had never been very sentimental- then again, neither had she. He'd written: _For Madeline, best of wishes on your birthday –Severus_.

They were all silent, and Hermione could tell they were all digesting that information. It was weird- Hermione hadn't realized coming back fifteen minutes later in their time meant she was now a year older than them. She felt older, but that was psychological- she felt older not because a year had passed, but because of the events that had unfolded in that year. _Can I ever tell them what happened?_ Hermione wondered, _Can I ever tell anyone?_ She felt tears coming on again but bit them back, realizing that those thoughts implied she'd never be able to be with Severus again.

OOO

Hermione ended up staying in the Hospital Wing for almost a week before Madame Pomfrey was satisfied that the 'poisonous mixture' had not damaged her in any way. It was a depressing week, Severus did not make an appearance, but she hadn't really expected anything. The gloomy atmosphere of the wing had only worsened her emotions, and she suspected that Madame Pomfrey had been worried she was in some sort of shock and only released her in the hopes that classes and friends would help her.

"Either throwing him in the lake, or throwing yourself back in time helped a lot," Ginny told Hermione on the way to the common room after breakfast.

Hermione laughed softly, "I expect Harry's finally stopped thinking about just his own problems."

"He _has_ been awfully worried about you, you know," Ginny said, "We all have. You seem really depressed."

"Well, maybe I am," she retorted, feeling bothered. She had Potions next for the first time and wanted to get there early, everyone kept wanting to know what had happened, but she wasn't ready to tell anyone the full extent of the details yet.

Ginny stepped back, then ran a few strides to catch up to her again as Hermione paced down the hallway.

"A lot happened," Hermione said with a sigh, "More than I can explain right now."

"Talking only helps 'Mione," Ginny reminded her.

"I'll talk when I'm ready," Hermione assured her with a faint smile, "I just need time to sort things out."

They entered the common room and Hermione gathered her books together and quickly left again, hoping to escape Harry and Ron's clutches. They seemed to not want to let her out of their sight. She appreciated the gesture, but… space was essential. Luckily the hallways were mostly empty, they were most likely still at breakfast and would be late for class.

The dungeons were cool in an almost refreshing way, bringing back vivid memories of the hours she'd spent down here, trying to emulate the potion that had brought her back in time. She had no idea what she would say to Severus, but she knew she had to talk to him, say something; at least acknowledge that what happened, had happened. That it was real. McGonagall had talked to her, but had been disappointingly unhelpful and brief- pointing out that teachers and students were not allowed to be in relationships and that Hermione would be better off forgetting that it had happened.

Hermione took a deep breath before pushing open the door into the classroom. Severus stood at the front of the room, his back to her, writing the day's lesson down on the board.

"Severus?" she asked softly. She saw him stop in his writing, his back tensing up, but he remained facing the board.

"The proper address would be Professor Snape," he said coolly. The words were like a stab in her heart.

"Ah," she managed to choke out.

"You may take your seat," he said and walked back into his office, out of sight, closing the door behind him.

"Sev- Professor Snape!" she said, stepping over to the door, feeling frustration wash through her. She rapped on the door, but there was no response, and she stepped back to

sit down hard in a desk where she buried her face in her hands. Stress and grief seemed to all at once overwhelm her and she felt the tears start to come on again. Shoving them away she took deep breaths, as silent dry sobs shook her shoulders. _Why, oh why, did they have to bring me back?_ she wondered once again. He hadn't even looked at her.

She managed to make it through the lesson by keeping her head down and distracting herself by listening to Harry and Ron's chatter. She tried to pretend that nothing was amiss, but she was sure they noticed. It was all she could do to keep herself from bursting into tears. She knew he'd have changed, she _knew_ it had been ten years for him, she knew it would be hard for him to integrate Madeline and Hermione, she even knew it was likely he no longer loved her- if he'd loved her at all. But why, _why_ wouldn't he talk to her?

"_Why so certain that a potion will induce time travel?" Severus inquired as she stirred a bubbling green liquid with her wand._

"_Intuition?" she suggested glancing up at him and offering a smile. _

_Severus raised an eyebrow and studied the liquid._

"_I must have heard something about it somewhere," she said sniffing the smoke that started to leak off the surface. It wasn't quite right. It'd been dark that night, she really had no idea what the ingredients of that fateful mixture had been- let alone how much and in what order. _

_The potion turned a sickly orange color and started burping purple smoke. Hermione coughed and stepped back, her eyes burning. Severus stepped forward and waved his wand at the mixture, expelling it from cauldron._

"_Perhaps we should take another look at the books available to us," he suggested as Hermione made an angry face at the cauldron. _

"_None of those books have been any help," Hermione told him with a dismissive glance at the stack they'd accumulated, "We still haven't found the right one yet."_

"_What makes you so sure that time travel is possible at all?" Severus asked sitting down behind his desk with a casual attitude that he never displayed in front of his students._

"_Time turners?" Hermione reminded him._

"_Send you back in time," he finished. _

"_So when you're back in time what was formerly the present becomes the future which you thus travel back to," Hermione said, "And that future is very solid, so why wouldn't our future be solid?"_

"_You travel back to the future by the normal passage of time with time turners," Severus pointed out. _

"_Time, time, time," Hermione said exasperated and sat down hard in her chair. _

"_An abstract subject, may I inquire as to why you chose to study such a difficult dimension?" Severus asked in that tone of voice that implied a measure of derisiveness. _

"_I enjoy challenging myself," she retorted lightly. _

"_I know the extent to which I can challenge myself without entering on the impossible," he said slowly._

"_Are you implying that you believe my work is impossible?" Hermione asked sharply. _

"_I'm merely stating that perhaps this choice of study is above your level," he said mildly. _

_Hermione sighed purposefully and opened her mouth before deciding to let it go. With Severus sometimes you just had to ignore his remarks, she'd learned that in her first year. Intellectually, at least- ignoring didn't make them hurt less. _

_Severus glanced down at the papers on his desk. Hermione took the moment to glance over at his figure. It was odd, the two of them, working together in this classroom. He had yet to meet Hermione Granger. He had yet to revert to being a spy against Voldemort again. He had yet to murder Dumbledore. Hermione shivered, and wondered what twisted path of thought led him to make that Unbreakable Vow. _

_He was so different in this time, to Madeline Saunders. She supposed half of his horribleness was just from a general dislike of first years, and at least some was from a disagreeable personality. But a good much of it had been a dislike towards Gryffindors, and Harry in particular. Enter Madeline Saunders, a graduate student, and three parts of his 'horribleness' as she had so phrased it, went out the window. It made a difference, Hermione was surprised to find. All she had left was the Severus that was just a disagreeable person. No prejudice, no student bullying. It was strange. She could almost respect him- not just as a knowledgeable professor- she already respected him for that, and for being in the Order, but as a knowledgeable person. _

When class ended, Hermione almost ran from it. Harry and Ron could barely keep up, but she hardly noticed. She had an hour until her next class, and she rushed through the Fat Lady and up into her dormitory before Harry and Ron could catch her- to collapse onto her bed and cry into her pillow. She wished she wouldn't cry so much but the tears just came of their own accord. It was just too much.

**A/N: Thank you for reading and the next chapter will be up soon! To those who reviewed the last chapter, much thanks, your support is greatly appreciated!!  
LK-HoGwArTs-hEaDgIrL  
notwritten  
RiverRamsden****- Was this enough Hermione/Severus interaction for you?  
debjunk-**** Good catch about the recognition! More about modern Severus coming up. :)  
Stargatefan001  
Artemis Decibal****- Snape didn't recognize Hermione as a first year because he'd last seen Madeline several years ago and unfortunately had no photos. Memory of faces doesn't last long without help. Like McGonagall, the moment he saw Hermione return from the past, that's when it finally clicked in his mind. Before that, Hermione as Hermione overrode any connections of Hermione as Madeline. Hopefully this chapter revealed a little more of that.**


	4. A Grief That for Some Would Never Leave

**A/N: Sorry about the long wait, I got back to school and have been busy with settling back in again. I'll try and keep the updates more regular from now on! Once more, don't forget that this story is also written by PhantomTigre! Feel free to visit her profile and message her as well as me. **

The next weekend was a Hogsmeade weekend. Walking down to the village, she realized that the world she had reentered was still recovering from Voldemort. Harry, though improving, was still struggling. Everyone was. The halls were emptier than they had been in her sixth year. She'd look over and Ron would have a hollow, distant look in his eyes. He hid most of his grief- they both had hidden it in their concern for Harry, but it was a year fresher for everyone that it was for her. Her nightmares had long since dwindled in frequency. She barely had them at all anymore.

A memory flashed through her mind- Severus's arms wrapping tightly around her as she cried, unable to explain to him exactly why she was crying, why she had woken in the night, terrified. She was, of course, crying for him, crying for the future, crying because of what had not yet happened. That was when she first realized she had to tell him. But when she was finally starting to get her thoughts together on how to explain to him that she was from the future, she was yanked back into a world nine years in Severus's future. Voldemort was only three years away.

Hogsmeade was a welcome relief. It was so… light, so carefree, so… so still being a child. But there was a false ring to it, and Hermione, Harry, Ron, and Ginny all knew it. They went through the motions of enjoyment anyway. It wasn't until later in the evening, when they were footsore and getting tired, when they went into the Three Broomsticks for butterbeer, and Ron and Hermione were thoroughly tired of Ginny and Harry's 'couple-ness.' Neither _really_ minded though- they both remembered Ginny's coming to them in tears. Hermione sighed- she and Severus had never been like that. Their relationship had been a little more… serious. More intense. It had never felt light, or teenage, in any way. She had never felt more adult in her entire life than she had when she was with him. He had made her forget that she was only seventeen and he much older-she had a feeling he'd forgotten too. But all that was different now.

The Three Broomsticks was warm and full of cheer- though most of it was the way theirs had been- a cover up for a fear that was slow to leave, and a grief that for some would never leave. They sat down in a more lonely corner and ordered their butterbeers. At first they were all quiet, sipping their butterbeers and letting their thoughts go in different ways. Just when Hermione was starting to relax, Ron cleared his throat and looked over at Hermione.

"Hermione," he said slowly, peering down at his foamy drink, "We should all just have a good old talk about our emotions. A good rant- like we used to."

Hermione wasn't sure she could remember a time when they _all_ shared their emotions, but she let that slide. She had a sneaking suspicion Ron really meant they wanted her to talk to them, but the butterbeer was making her calm and relaxed, so she let that slide too.

"He means," Ginny said, looking over at Hermione, "Of course- that we want you to tell us what's wrong."

"I was trying to be subtle," Ron snapped at Ginny, "You have to give to get!"

Harry stared at Ron, then laughed, "What kind of cliché is that?"

"Well- you should share about your suicidal tendencies, Ginny should share about her annoyance at your suicidal tendencies, I should share about my frustration at you two, and Hermione should share about her spending a year in the past," Ron explained and then looked around the table sort of hopefully.

"I fell in love," Hermione blurted out. The words that were on Harry's lips in response to Ron died there. Three pairs of eyes stared at her.

She felt a miserable kind of blush creep onto her face and she said, "I fell in love with someone- in the past. And he's not here anymore."

"'Mione…" Ron started to say, then just reached over and took her hand. Hermione felt her eyes get damp and blinked furiously. She was thoroughly sick of crying.

"I'm sorry Hermione," Harry whispered, his voice low, "We didn't know- I mean we didn't mean to pull you back a year after you got there."

"I know," she answered, "I know you didn't mean to. I didn't want to burden you with guilt and- I'm glad you got me back. I'm glad to be back, I really am. I missed you guys."

"Who was it?" Ginny asked softly, her eyes full of concern.

"No one you'd know," Hermione said quickly, shaking her head and glancing down into her butterbeer. It stared foamily back up at her. She took a long sip and then set it back down with a slight thunk. She felt better, she realized, for getting that out of her.

"Where is he now?" Ron asked, his voice sympathetic and eager to offer help. Hermione appreciated the sincerity in his words, but she knew if she told him… He wouldn't be so eager to help.

"He…" Hermione said slowly, staring at the ceiling, then just repeated, "He's not here."  
"Dead?" Ginny wondered and Harry elbowed her with a glare.

Hermione shook her head, then paused, wondering how she explain it to them in terms they'd be satisfied with without telling them who it was, "He… it's been ten years for him. I doubt he even thinks about me anymore."

To her annoyance, she realized tears were starting to slide down her cheeks again, and she wiped them angrily. There was a scrape of chairs moving, and suddenly Hermione found herself embraced by three people at the same time.

"Can't you go talk to"- Ginny started to say, but at the same time Ron had said, "If he really loved you"- and Harry had said, "What was his"-

"It's _complicated_!" Hermione exclaimed and she felt the three of them step back slightly at her vehemence, "It's really, really complicated. It's so complicated I can't even begin to think about it, let alone explain it."

"What's complicated about love?" Ron asked, "Either he remembers you and still loves you, or he doesn't."  
Hermione leveled a glare at him, and he shut up. Then she wiped away a few more tears, took a large gulp of butterbeer, then slid off her seat and stood up to say, "Well- I'm ready to go sleep for a week."

They were silent on the walk back up to the castle. No one seemed to know what to say to her, and Hermione was sad to think that it was an uncomfortable silence. She had changed, and it was a change away from Harry and Ron. They knew this, and Hermione knew it was hurting them that she was being so distant but… there was so little she could do about that.

When they got to the castle, Hermione went straight up to the Gryffindor tower and into the seventh year's dormitory. No one else was there yet- it was still relatively early, so Hermione stole into the bathroom and started a shower running. It was quiet in the tower, and Hermione found that very comforting. The patter of the water hitting the sides of the shower brought back good memories…

_A fine, misting rain was falling on Knockturn Alley. Hermione had been following Severus from shop to shop for what felt like hours, and would have been thoroughly soaked if not for the small drying spells she kept casting on herself every time they entered a shop. Severus didn't even seem to need that- the water was just bouncing right off him. They had spoken little the entire outing, and now that they were almost finished, Hermione felt like she'd missed something- missed at a chance of something. She was standing under an awning outside their last shop- Severus was inside- staring out into the rain. She was waiting for him to come out and have them Apparate back to the castle. _

_It was June, and unusually warm. Hermione found it hard to realize that she'd been in the past for nearly seven months. And she thought she'd only be there for a week at the most! She almost laughed, but then stopped herself, and stared out into the rain. _

_There was… something, between her and Severus- she knew it and he knew it, but they'd never talked about it. Over the months, as they'd worked together more and more, Hermione realized that this Severus Snape was not the same one that would know Hermione Granger. This Professor Snape did not know her as an annoying know-it-all girl that was friends with the insufferable Harry Potter- and was a Gryffindor, to boot. He only saw her as a graduate student, bright, and interesting, she supposed. It made a difference. A big one. She felt herself reddening slightly as she thought of that. _

_The something was something on the more romantic side, and Hermione couldn't really believe that she was finding herself looking at Severus and realizing that her definition of attractive seemed to be changing. It wasn't that he was suddenly young and stereotypically attractive, it was just…she didn't mind- in fact, his oldness, his maturity made him more attractive rather than less, though not so much in a physical sense. It was as incomprehensible as the past itself. She knew he was thinking about her, knew it in the way their discussions no longer held an edge of dislike. And if there was some snappy words exchanged (and their often was), Hermione had the feeling they both enjoyed it. His intelligence was only more than hers by matter of experience. Crystallized knowledge- wasn't that what muggle psychologists called it? They were both equally matched- their arguments were never biased, anything he ever said to her that was harsh was no longer cruel. It was fair; Severus was one of the most startlingly honest persons she'd ever met. Hermione was finding herself learning a lot from him too- he had this broad expanse of knowledge in his head that was far more interesting than anything she could find in a book. That, and the glimpses she'd been getting into his past from chance comments, slipped words, made Hermione start to understand why Dumbledore trusted him so much. He hadn't said anything about being a Death Eater of course, and she was sure he'd done something that made Dumbledore trust him in that area but it was also something in his… aura. She trusted him. She felt safe with him. As crazy at it was, Hermione felt herself thinking that if she knew she was never getting back- she might-_

_She looked up at the awning as the mist turned into actual rain, pounding down on the cobblestones. Hermione peered out at the downpour, wondering what was keeping Severus, when she felt a touch on her shoulder. She turned, and found herself staring into Severus's face. He opened his mouth to say something, and then stopped. An expression she wasn't sure she recognized crossed his face, and before she realized it he had leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. _

The water of the shower ran through Hermione's hair and down her back. A wry smile crossed her face as she remembered Harry and Ron's reactions to her dating Viktor Krum in their fourth year. He was only four years older than her. The smile didn't stay, however, for the real, fresh pain of losing Severus curled its icy hand around her heart once more and she wrapped her arms around her, feeling cold despite the hot water streaming down around her.

**A/N: Thank you for reading dear readers! *hugs for you* Please comment on what's bad, what's good, what's confusing, or what you hope/think will happen! :)**


	5. He Looked Different, But Still the Same

"Hey," a familiar voice said.

Hermione peeled her eyes open to see a pair of brown eyes looking down into her own. It was morning. Hermione barely remembered getting out of the shower and changing into her pajamas. The sunlight was streaming brightly into the room. Her room mates seemed to have already gotten up and left.

"Morning?" Hermione said wondering what Ginny was doing in the seventh year's dormitory.

"Don't sound so pissed to see me," Ginny reprimanded, leaning back as Hermione sat up in her bed.

"Sorry," Hermione told her glancing out the window. Another gorgeous Sunday. The weather seemed to have an ironic sense of humor, always being happy when you were feeling down.

"You know, if you need to talk, I can listen," Ginny said sitting down on the end of the bed, kicking her shoes off, and crossing her legs.

"Thanks, but you wouldn't"-

"This isn't about me," Ginny pointed out, "It doesn't matter if I hear gibberish. Talking is good for the soul. You've got to get it out."

"What do you know about psychology?" Hermione retorted, trying not to snap.

"Hermione…" Ginny said, giving her a look.

"Fine, whatever," Hermione said slipping out from underneath the cover and heading for the bathroom.

"I know you haven't seen us for a year," Ginny said, turning, "But I saw you last week. And you know… you're totally different. We all want to help you. We're your friends, always will be."

Hermione paused and heard Ginny stand up, walking over behind her.

"Have you ever fallen in love Ginny?" Hermione asked, "I thought I had, until I met- him. When you're in love, you don't even realize it at first, but once you do, you know. You know, and you know that as long as that person is near, you'll be happy. You'd be happy if you and that person were the last ones on Earth."

Ginny was silent.

"Coming back here.. I love you guys, but friends sometimes feel like a sad replacement when you've lost your love. I just need some time alone," Hermione said.

Ginny wrapped her arms around Hermione from behind and said softly, "I understand." Then Hermione was alone once again. A sudden wave of nausea washed over her and she stumbled quickly into the bathroom before throwing up into the toilet. She wiped her mouth then looked at herself in the mirror. She looked dreadful.

After breakfast Hermione found her feet leading her to the dungeons once again; her subconscious seemed to have decided that it was time to try once again to talk to Professor Snape. This time _this time_, maybe she could get through to him.

She pushed open the door to his class room boldly and strode in, feeling a wash of nostalgia. She'd been here just last week. Last week she'd walked back through his office into his workrooms and checked on a potion that was brewing. Severus had entered later, comfortable with her presence there.

The classroom was empty today- Sunday. Severus must have heard her enter for he appeared in the doorway to his office a moment later. She met his eyes. They were dark and vaguely chilling as usual, but she realized with a start that he looked almost completely different, though still the same. Memories of him a year ago, a week ago, struck her mind. Another shadow in the corner.

Hermione lifted her head up slightly and said nothing, waited for him the make the first move. She'd let him make all the first moves ten years ago, all she'd simply had to do was let him know that it was okay. Today, her gaze was a challenge.

Finally he spoke.

"What may I help you with Miss Granger?" he asked, his face expressionless.

"An acknowledgement," she retorted.

"There is nothing to acknowledge," he replied coolly. Adversely though, Hermione recognized that it was an acknowledgement in itself.

"Can't we at least talk about it?" Hermione asked, "I'm not saying that we- that- you… just-"

"I have a previously scheduled engagement in a few minutes Miss Granger," he told her softly, "I must ask you to leave."

Hermione pursed her lips and stared hard at him; frustrated almost to the point of tears. Not wanting to let him see her sorrow she turned and stalked out the room.

"Someone break your heart Granger?" a cocky voice drawled. Hermione glanced up to see Malfoy standing in the hallway in front of her. At least Severus had been truthful about his previous engagement.

"What is it to you Malfoy?" Hermione retorted angrily, feeling in no mood to have a spat with him. Though rare these days Malfoy occasionally felt the need to express dominance over other people.

"It's nothing to me," he said flashing a smirk, but Hermione felt that he'd suddenly forgotten why he enjoyed picking fights. She studied his eyes, wondering what exactly he was doing with Severus. They had been together under Voldemort; they'd probably grown close. In the moment before Malfoy had smirked Hermione had caught something in his eyes, something she only recognized because she'd seen something like it before.

_Severus had been unusually snappy that day, a bit more like she remembered him as Hermione Granger. It wasn't until they were both silent that Hermione realized he seemed to be more angry at himself than anything else, and was just taking it out on her. Looking up she'd caught his eyes for a moment and with another flash of insight saw something there that she'd never expected to see. Tiny- but there._

Malfoy liked her. A whole lot of things perversely and suddenly made a lot of sense. Hermione almost laughed- no wonder he'd called her names so many times over the years. Of course he hated that she was muggleborn, anyone would hate it if someone they were attracted to were unattainable by your family and your house's standards. In the same way that Severus had hated how young she was, her intelligence, her Gryffindor optimism when they'd first started working together.

"Sure Malfoy," Hermione said lightly and stepped past him, letting her shoulder touch his briefly and glancing back over her shoulder as she did so, taunting him. She felt decidedly guilty a moment later for exploiting this sudden power over him.

Hermione almost felt like laughing again as she left the dungeons but the moment bright Sunday sunlight hit her from a window it washed away to be replaced by misery once again. Malfoy probably knew Severus better than she did now. Malfoy had spent over five months as a death eater along with Severus, under Voldemort. The thought chilled her. The Severus she'd known had almost forgotten the war, and was leaving it mostly behind. She been awakened by his nightmares only a few times, and he'd always been reluctant to speak of them.

Hermione thought she'd seen bad things during the war, but she'd always been on the safe side. It hurt her that she didn't know him anymore. He'd been teaching at Hogwarts for ten years since she'd last seen him. Not only had he gone through the war without her, he'd gone through her, Ron, and Harry's years without her. He'd hated Harry, probably still did, and hated her and Ron as well. He probably still hated her, he maybe hated Madeline now too. Had he loved Madeline? She would have said for sure a few weeks ago, but today- she felt less sure. Hopelessness joined in with her misery making Hermione feel like stopping and curling up in a ball and crying forever, but she forced herself to keep walking. Just keep walking, she told herself. Just keep breathing.

OOO

_I cannot believe I'm even considering the idea of liking Snape- SNAPE of all people!_ _Hermione thought as she stirred a potion fiercely, staring down into its grayish bubbling contents. _I'm going to get home, I'm not going to be here forever_, Hermione thought, turning the potion and stirring it the other way, then moving over to prepare some more ingredients. The room was warm from the fire beneath the cauldron, and smelled thickly of burnt hair. Severus was teaching a class- but it'd be over soon, and no doubt he'd come to check on her. He did that far more often than he had before, and Hermione wasn't going to lie to herself about why- not after that kiss. But there was no way she could get into a relationship with him. It'd be like giving up- like admitting she was never going to get back… _

_Hermione thought achingly of Harry and Ron, and wondered if they were missing her, if they were trying everything to get her back as she was trying everything to get herself back. Had they given her up for dead? Did they even know she'd gone back in time? Was it all hopeless- this research that never led anywhere? It was increasing her knowledge of potions vastly- that was a plus, but Hermione wanted to get home too badly to give up. _

_There was a creak as the door open behind her, and she heard Severus's soft footsteps across the mostly empty workroom. She didn't turn to look at him, and just kept chopping ingredients. When his hands touched her shoulders she stopped, her entire body tensing up- but not in a bad way._

"_Mmm," Hermione sighed softly, everything she was previously thinking about sliding out of her thoughts. _

_She looked over her shoulder up at him, and couldn't think of one reason why she shouldn't want to be with him. He seemed to take that as an invitation, for his hands ran down to her waist, then pulled her gently against him in a tight embrace. _

"_Madeline," he whispered into her ear, and Hermione felt a wrench of guilt in her gut, but it wasn't strong enough to make her want to pull away. _

Hermione woke up suddenly to the morning light in the common room, and was momentarily disoriented for two reasons. One- she forgot she was in the present again, and two- she wasn't in her dormitory bedroom or her rooms from the past. Crookshanks peered up at her from his spot curled up on the sofa beside her.

It had been a week since she last tried to talk to Severus. A week and two Potions classes, excruciatingly painful Potions classes where Hermione was hardly even able to concentrate about what she was doing, let alone look at Professor Snape, ghosting between their desks and making snide comments to all of the students except her. She took that as a good sign.

She sighed and leaned back against the soft cushions, reaching a hand to absently stroke Crookshanks. She'd thought it was odd that Severus had made all the first moves in their relationship, but upon reflection it made sense. It wasn't Hermione Granger back then- it was Madeline Saunders, a graduated student that was perhaps a little young- but once he knew she liked him- what was there to stop him? It made her feel even more depressed about her chances with this Severus.

_I have to talk to him,_ she thought for the billionth time, _I have to just talk to him. Make him talk to me. I need to explain to him that I was going to tell him… _

Frustrated, Hermione climbed off the sofa and stumbled up to the dormitory, where the rest of the seventh years were still asleep. It was early. Hermione wondered if Severus would be awake yet. He was always an early riser… but that was ten years ago. He'd changed in so many ways, and he seemed determined to totally ignore the fact that the Hermione Granger that they'd rescued from the past was actually also Madeline Berkeley. She didn't really blame him, after all, she hadn't exactly prepared him for that.

She sighed and flopped onto her bed- once she'd gotten into a relationship with him, as Madeline, of course, she suddenly realized- and why she hadn't seen it before she had no idea, that the Severus Snape of the future was not involved in any relationships, nor was anyone hovering around that looked like an older version of Hermione. Which meant either she got back to the future or she left him- or he left her, whichever. Either of the three meant that they weren't staying together. She had been almost past the point of caring, but she knew she had to tell him everything- her real name for one. Hermione reached into the pocket of her robe and pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper.

She'd been writing her thoughts down- everything she needed to tell him, how to get started explaining, the night she'd been yanked back to the future. Hermione wished like she'd never wished before that she had only told him sooner.

_He doesn't know I wanted to tell him_, she thought mournfully, _And now it's too late._

Hermione stood up and changed her clothes into something cleaner, moving quietly about the dormitory so as not to wake any of the others, who wished to sleep in on a Saturday morning. She pocketed her wand and slipped out past the Fat Lady. It was a long walk from the Gryffindor tower to the dungeons, but Hermione didn't mind. There was something peaceful about Hogwarts so early in the morning when few others were up. It was like a treasure box waiting to be opened, almost humming with the possibilities of the new days. But to Hermione it seemed a little more... sinister. She wished she could enjoy it more. She knew those who liked to sleep in found a similar enjoyment in walking the hallways at night- a little riskier because one was supposed to be in bed then, but there was a similar peace and quiet over the school, opposed to the bustle of the day.

Suddenly Hermione found herself at the door to Severus's rooms. It all looked older than it had last time she stood there. She hesitated, then took a deep breath and knocked gently at the door. For what seemed like ages she waited, until she was sure he was already up and gone. But then it opened, slowly, revealing Severus standing at the door. He looked disheveled, like he'd just woken up, and also as if he hadn't been getting much sleep lately. His sour expression went sourer when he saw Hermione.

"It is far too early-" he began but Hermione cut him off.

"Can I come in?" she asked, "I think we've waited long enough-"

"Miss Granger, you presume too much," Severus said darkly, "Go back to Potter and Weasley."

"I'm not here to talk about them!" Hermione hissed, "I'm here to talk about you and me. About us."

"I have no interest in that topic," Severus said, and made motion to shut the door. Hermione grabbed the handle and stepped inside, letting him shut the door behind her.

"Miss Granger, there is nothing to discuss," Severus said, but his voice had a different tone to it. Hermione wasn't sure what it was.

"Yes, there is," she replied, staring up at him angrily, "I know it's been ten years for you, but it's only been a few weeks for me. I'm _Madeline Saunders_, for heavens sakes! And I'm also Hermione Granger- I always was!"

"You do not know me," Severus said slowly, his voice like ice, "Nor do I know you- whatever you decide to call yourself."

Hermione was perversely reminded of the arguments they had when they were falling in love, and felt like crying again as she said, "You can't possibly have changed that much Severus!"

"The Madeline Saunders I knew was not Hermione Granger," he hissed at her, "This is a different time and we are _both_ different people now. I won't play games with you."

"It's not a game!" Hermione cried out.

"Don't make something of nothing," the Potions Master replied and turned around to pace around the room.

"What's wrong with you? What happened to you during those years to make you so hateful!?" Hermione whirled around and then hurled the door open. Before she left, she turned back and said softly, her eyes damp, "It wasn't nothing to me."

**A/N: So what do you think of the Severus/Hermione interactions? What do you think about Malfoy? Are we keeping everyone in character well enough, and/or are our deviations acceptable based upon the circumstances? What do you think in general? :P Thanks for all the support from reviewers of the last chapter!!!**


	6. I Think I'm Falling in Love

Hermione practically ran down the hallways, feeling confined by the close stone walls around her. She hurried through the great hall trying to conceal the tears running uncontrollably down her face and pushed through the doors out into the fresh morning air. The cool air was like a slap in the face and she breathed in deeply. The leaves were already turning colors, changing the Forbidden Forest into a fire of oranges, reds, yellows, and browns.

Taking a shaky breath she walked around the wall of school finding a secluded place behind one of the green houses where she sat down in the grass and buried her face in her knees. Her stomach growled softly reminding her that she'd skipped dinner last night and had yet to eat breakfast. There were more important things than food though. Taking deep breaths she finally managed to slow her sobs.

_You've been doing an awful lot of crying lately_, Hermione told herself, feeling rather weak and silly. Though her tears had slowed her heart still ached painfully and her throat burned. Physical proof that love exists, she observed wryly.

She allowed her thoughts to go back to Severus Snape and decided that he needed some time. More time than she'd given him to integrate in his mind Madeline and Hermione. Months maybe, but Hermione was willing to wait years for him. He'd waited ten years after all. He'd realize eventually that it was Hermione he'd fallen in love with, even though Hermione was someone he'd detested for seven years. She'd just have to wait and see.

"Crying in a corner Granger?" Malfoy observed, leaning casually against a tree, "Starting to make it a habit, hm?"

"Shut up Malfoy," Hermione replied, wondering what he was doing out here.

"Can't think of better comeback?" he wondered at her with a mixture of amusement and curiosity.

"You know Malfoy, if you're so intrigued by me, you should just say so," Hermione commented lightly standing up.

Malfoy started to open his mouth, then thought better of it and shut it.

"I know what you're thinking Malfoy," Hermione told him wiping the last traces of tears from her eyes, "You're soft."

"What makes you so sure of that?" Malfoy inquired with a sneer. His blond hair was messy, part of it flopping into his eyes. He looked hurried, as if many things were on his mind. He hadn't been doing nearly as well in classes as he had in their earlier years. Hermione was sure he didn't sleep too well. He seemed to completely ignore Harry and Ron. She supposed he would, after all, Harry was the one who defeated Voldemort, defended Severus's innocence and Malfoy… well Malfoy was the one who was tasked with killing Dumbledore and failed.

"I know your type," Hermione told him, starting to feel bored.

"Prove it," Malfoy said stepping forward and arching one of his blond eyebrows at her, his arms crossed.

Hermione smiled, and it was a wicked smile. Stepping forward she grabbed the collar of his shirt and backed him up against the tree then leaned forward and kissed him hard on the lips. It was entirely unlike kissing Severus- Malfoy's lips were softer, more pliable, and she could taste the mintyness of his chapstick. She considered running her tongue along them, but decided that would be too much and stepped back to peer at Malfoy with a smirk.

His mouth dropped open into a silent, "Oh."

He stared at her with a surprised wonder. Then a flash of anger crossed his face before it turned to discomposure.

"I told you, you were soft," Hermione said, "You liked that."

He regained his composure and asked in a drawl, "And where did you learn to kiss like that?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Hermione said with a smile.

Malfoy narrowed his eyes then stepped forward and said with a malicious grin, "You wouldn't have kissed me if you didn't think you'd enjoy it too."

"Maybe I was just taunting-" Hermione started but was cut off as Malfoy kissed her back fiercely. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, and to her surprise, Hermione found herself liking that. Malfoy flicked his tongue at her lips, asking for entry. She considered pulling away and slapping him, but this was more fun. She opened her mouth slightly and met his tongue with her own. He tasted of maple syrup; it was sweet.

Hermione stepped back, pulling away from him lightly and looked up into his face. He stayed where he was, his cockiness completely dissolved. He glanced around then ran a hand through his hair.

"Why didn't we do that before?" he asked.

"Because you were a total git," she informed him as if it were obvious, "You learned some social skills apparently, and I figured out that you liked me."

"How the hell do you figure that?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"Basic psychology Malfoy," Hermione told him, "If you don't like someone, you avoid them, not track them around school all day just so you can spit insults into their faces."

"Seems to me, you kissed me first," Malfoy replied.

"You kissed me back," she pointed out.

"I'm sorry," he offered, "I'm not like that anymore... the war."

"I know," she said, "It changed everyone."

She was reminded of Severus and another wave a grief washed over her. Malfoy was fun, but he was not Severus. Malfoy nodded and looked down. Hermione sighed.

"I'll catch you later Malfoy," she said, "Unless you prefer Draco."

"Hell no Granger," he said, "The Malfoy name may be tarnished, but it's still mine and I'm proud of it. I'm not innocent, people would do well to remember that."

"You can call me Hermione," she said, wondering briefly what she was getting into. She decided she didn't care. In just an fifteen minutes she'd learned more about Malfoy than she'd learned about Severus in a month.

_Hermione sat at the desk in Severus's office, the end of her quill at her lips as she tried to decide on which ingredients to try for their next attempt. Countless books and pages sprawled around her, mixed with notes and sketches. It was getting late and her eyes ached; a single candle burned beside her. __  
__Hearing Severus enter the classroom beyond she stood up, glad for an excuse to take a break. She leaned against the door frame and watch as he strode through the classroom, head down, hair obscuring his face. He always seemed so afraid of rejection somehow that he'd always retaliate harshly; cruelty was his shield. Her heart went out to him. _

_"You're in late," she said softly as he got closer. He glanced up, surprised to see her. _

_"So are you," he replied, "How's the work going?"_

_"All right," she said with a shrug glancing back into the office. He stepped close to her and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. _

_"I'm glad for a break," she told him with a faint smile, reaching up and holding his hand against her face. It'd been almost nine months since she'd first arrived here. She was less and less inspired by her work because she believed less and less that she would be the one to bring her back. It she ever got home, it would be due to the work of those in the future. Severus brought his other hand up to place on the opposite side of her face then leaned down to kiss her lightly. Thoughts of leaving quickly left her mind. She kissed him back harder as his hands moved down to her waist. She arched her back, pressing herself against him as warmth spread from her stomach down. Severus moved his hands lightly up her back, sending tingles down her spine. She moved her own hands up around his neck then down to fiddle with the clasp of his robes before moving them down to touch his arms and slid her fingers up under his robe, her fingertips gently caressing his arms. _

_He pulled away, looking suddenly uncomfortable and distracted. _

_"What?" she asked quietly wondering what had made him look like that._

_"There's something I need to tell you," he said gently, pulling her back into the office and sitting her down on the black leather sofa. _

_"Okay," Hermione said slowly, realizing that this was something serious. She had a feeling she knew what it might be._

_He pulled up the sleeve to his robe revealing the red lines of the Dark Mark, growing faint now. _

_"I was a Death Eater," he told her, "A few months in… some things happened. People were killed that I did not want to be. Most of it was my fault and I realized that I did not want to be involved in the kind of actions the Dark Lord promoted. I have a dark history, and I won't say that I am a good man Madeline, but I am not the Dark Lord's."_

_Hermione stood up and took the arm he held out. She'd never actually gotten a good look at the dark mark before. She felt her heart rate pick up, not because of proximity between the two of them, but because the enormity of what it meant for Severus Snape to tell her such a thing. It meant more than anything he'd ever done for her._

_"Thank you," she said softly, "For telling me this, for trusting me."_

_"That's it?" Severus asked, his eyes searching hers, "Thank you?"_

_He sounded slightly incredulous. Hermione smiled up at him._

_"Dumbledore had to vouch for you loyalty before the __Wizengamot__, Severus. That's why I'm not surprised," she said, "Besides, it doesn't matter who you were. It only matters who you __are__. I'm glad you told me."_

_"I had more practical reasons," he replied then added, "I had no wish for you to be taken unawares."_

_Hermione paused for a moment, then looked up at his face; he was smiling. Hermione laughed softly, that was probably as close to a joke as she would ever get from Severus. He stepped closer, letting his arm drop, and kissed her again. _

**A/N: I know, short chapter, but was it worth it? I'll try and get the next chapter up ASAP. If I make any errors regarding compliancy too HPDH, please tell! (Other than Snape not dying, of course!)**


	7. Ever Movement, Every Word

**A/N: Sorry about the long wait. You know how things go... Anyway, I'm going to try and get a few more chapters up over the next few weeks, hopefully until it's done! Again, this story is written with PhantomTigre, so go check out her stories as well if you like this one. **

A few days later Hermione found Ron crying in the common room. It was late in the evening- Hermione had been at the library, losing herself in studying. She hadn't expected anyone else to be up. Why was he down there alone- where was Ginny, where was Harry? Ron shouldn't have been alone- Hermione suddenly realized that she was one of the people that should have been around too. With a quick wash of guilt she noticed she'd sort of been ignoring Harry and Ron, assuming that Harry was fine because he'd seemed fine, assuming Ron was fine because he was cheerful… But it hadn't been a year for all of them.

"Ron?" she asked softly, creeping up behind him. The sniffles stopped short and the redhead looked over at her, blinking furiously.

"I- it's not," he started to say, but Hermione moved around the sofa and sat down beside him in front of the warm, reassuring fire. She paused to stare at him for a moment before pulling him into a hug.

"It's okay, Ron," she told him softly, holding him tight. He let a shuddering half gasp half sob and starting crying again.

"How can everyone act so normal?" Ron whispered a few minutes later and pulled back from her to lean against the sofa, his eyes red- but everything was red in the Gryffindor common room.

"I hope you don't think I'm acting normal," Hermione said with a short laugh- making out with Malfoy, chasing after Professor Snape… Of course Ron didn't know about either of those things, but Hermione was still acutely aware that she'd become a rather different person.

"Not you," Ron said shakily, taking a few deep breaths, "Nor Harry or Ginny… Just, everyone else. The Professors. The students who didn't lose anyone. The war wasn't a wash over- it didn't touch some people and others… It's so screwed up."

"It's their way of coping," Hermione told him, "Just keep on living, one breath at a time. There isn't anyone the war didn't touch, Ron."

"It's so fake," Ron said in response to that, "To just keep pretending. It's so fake. Lavender broke down crying in Care of Magical Creatures- someone escorted her away and we just went on with the lesson, as if it were normal and as if it wasn't like we all felt like crying too."

Hermione just nodded, thinking about how she'd been doing a lot of crying recently too. Just for different reasons. She'd finished crying for the war a long time ago. Severus had helped her get over that, in part. She wondered if he remembered.

_It had been three months since Hermione had landed herself in the past. Three agonizing months of trying and trying and trying to find a way back. It was depressing. She sat out by the lake, under the same tree she would sit with Harry by in ten years. It was very lonely, and Hermione found herself missing Harry tremendously. It wouldn't be so bad if she'd been sent back, say twenty years, when people like James and Lupin would all be there and she could entertain herself getting to know the young versions of the people she'd get to know in the future. But no- the only people here were some of the Professors that stayed on for another ten years and longer- Severus for one, and Dumbledore most of all. Seeing Dumbledore was painful every time. It vividly reminded her of the war, but it was also… it was like dreaming about a good memory, like eating cookies you know you won't ever get to taste again. _

_But she felt so alone there. It reminded her chillingly of under the tent, the night of Bill and Fleur's wedding. Not knowing where Ron was- the moths still fluttering cheerfully around the golden lanterns. She could hear them Apparate in- a slight whoosh of displaced air swirling around them… That was when they started running, and hadn't stopped running for so long that Hermione had thought it might be forever. She shivered, then suddenly realized she couldn't stop shivering. Her hands shook in her lap and she stood up, intending to go back up to the castle. She couldn't stay down there any longer, in the grass, alone… She knew you couldn't Apparate onto Hogwarts grounds but… She walked quicker up the grass, wringing her hands together in attempt to stop them from shaking. It only became more pronounced. _

_She hurried up the steps and was about to reach for the door handle when it instead opened for her. Hermione looked up, and saw Severus standing there._

"_Miss Saunders…" he started to say, then noticed the expression on her face, and the shaking of her hands and shoulders. _

"_I…" Hermione started to say, but then Severus took her by the shoulders and pulled her inside. He directed her through the halls and down into the dungeons and into his office, where he sat her down on the sofa and then moved over to his shelves, scanning them for a moment before plucking out a small vial. He took a cup off his desk and waved his wand over it, then poured a few drops from the vial into the cup._

"_Drink this," he demanded, thrusting the cup at her._

_Hermione was too startled to disobey, so she took the cup and sipped at it. It tasted like tea, and something else that she couldn't quite identify, but she drank it anyway, assuming the Potions Master knew what he was giving her. As she sat, with him leaning up against the door way, the shaking in her arms, in her body, slowed down and then finally came to a stop. Hermione sighed and leaned back against the sofa. _

"_Now tell me why you're having panic attacks in the middle of the day while alone outside," he said, gazing at her unflinchingly._

_Hermione looked up at him, her brain grinding to try and figure out what to say and how to react to what he was saying. _Just tell the truth_, something inside her whispered, _He'll assume it's from the first war…

"_I…" Hermione started, then faltered, finding herself at a loss for coherent speech. She still felt a chill inside her, even though the shaking had stopped. She could still hear that thrum in the air from Apparating Death Eaters. _

_But Severus was silent. He didn't press her, so she took a deep breath and found the courage to speak._

"_I was just remembering," she said, "The war- against You-Know-Who. It… I got to feeling lonely and… I was at a wedding when Death Eaters started Apparating around us. So many of them. I had no defense, I was only nine... I didn't know where my family was. I've never felt so scared in my entire life. It was as if… as if my life ended there. I was so sure I was going to die. Apparation makes this noise, you know. From the air movement. I can still hear it. And just now, sitting out under the tree… I felt alone. It got to me. I… sorry."_

"_There is no need to apologize for what is beyond the conscious mind's control," Severus said softly, "How do you feel?"_

"_Still a little shaky- inside," Hermione confessed, then added, "I feel cold."_

"_Need I walk you to your rooms?" he inquired, straightening up, "You should be fine. I would advise trying to take a nap. Tea would help, as well."_

"_No, I'll be all right," Hermione started to say, then thought of walking down the corridors by herself and shuddered, "Actually…I would appreciate that very much, sir."_

_He nodded, and they left his office. He did not say anything as they walked to her rooms, and Hermione was grateful. She wasn't quite sure what to make of this Snape, this Snape who recognized what was needed and wasted not a moment in doing it. It was something she would have expected of McGonagall, but Severus Snape? Maybe not… _

_They stopped at the door to her rooms and she touched the door handle, preparing to go in, but then stopped and looked up at him, whispering, "Thank you."_

_He didn't answer, but Hermione had the feeling he was pleased. She slipped inside her room and closed the door. When she sat down on the edge of her bed, she realized that that one small thing made her feel a lot better than the potion or talking about it had. She fell asleep with a smile on her face._

Hermione, over the next few days, tried to put Severus out of her mind. She considered moving on from him, putting their relationship down as gone and continuing with the life she had led before going back in time. Maybe even start something serious with Malfoy- though she had a feeling she'd be getting into something with him either way. But then she'd go into Potions class, and she stayed quiet and discreet, but she also watched him. She watched him picking on students, heard his careful word choice and his mixing of potions during demonstrations. Every movement, every word, reminded her of when she was with him. She also remembered how he'd helped her, and she had the feeling he'd do that again, if given the chance, even now.

Severus had aged ten years, and been through more than she figured she could imagine, but he was, she sensed, still essentially the same person. Hermione still loved him, and she couldn't let that go.

She wondered if the age gap made a difference- he had been eleven years older than her when they first fell in love, now he was twenty-one years older. She supposed there had been weirder relationships, but most of the young woman-old man relationships revolved around money, and nothing between her and Severus was even remotely related to monetary issues. There was an age gap before, and there still was, and Hermione knew it didn't matter to her. She only hoped he didn't see her as too young now, that he had the sense to realize that she couldn't possibly be too young when she had been the same age ten years earlier.

_This is going to be a long haul, _she thought, watching him swoop around the classroom, _For me to rewin his heart. In all this time, he's become cold again, colder than he had been before. _

It was the first really cold day of the year, in late October. Some of the trees were already completely naked, unhappily anticipating the cold winter months ahead, while others were still stubbornly holding onto as many of their colorful dying accessories as possible. The frosty ground crunched satisfyingly underneath Hermione's feet as she, Harry, and Ron trudged down to pay Hagrid a visit. She suspected that this was an attempt of Harry and Ron's to try and distract her, or cheer her up, and spend more 'just the three of us' time.

Hagrid was out back in the pumpkin patch when they arrived, trying to coax some last minute growth spurts of the large orange vegetables for the Halloween feast. And some of them were quite huge, the largest, Hermione guessed, being almost three feet in diameter.

She hadn't seen much of Hagrid when she'd been back in time. He hadn't been a Professor back then, still the groundskeeper. The half-giant seemed to prefer being less noticeable.

Today though, he was happy as usual to see them.

"Nasty bit of weather we're having?" he asked amiably as he finished with the pumpkins. Hermione pet Fang absentmindedly, who'd come up behind her and shoved a wet nose into her hand.

"Bitter," Ron commented.

"Well, I have to feed the Thestrals now," Hagrid said, "Tenebrus has been rather particular about his meat this past month."

Harry perked up a little bit at that, despite their creepy appearance Harry had always seemed to have an interest in the creatures ever since their wild ministry ride. Hermione had an appreciation for them, like all animals, but she'd didn't particularly want to repeat that ride- even with them visible. Harry had always attracted the stranger animals, and was probably able to relate to them more she supposed.

So they followed Hagrid out behind his hut into the Forbidden Forest. It was around midday, so they had no trouble seeing what looked like an ordinary forest. Hermione knew there really weren't very many forests like the one around Hogwarts though. It was only a few minutes until they came upon a clearing where the Thestrals were- meandering about in a bored fashion. Hermione suspected they were perfectly capable of finding food on their own- but Hagrid would insist on caring for them anyway.

Seeing them made an intense loneliness wash over Hermione. They were such strange creatures, and it always made her mind hurt to think that these were the creatures she rode and Harry saw when they flew to the Department of Mysteries.

"_I've never seen it from this way before," Hermione said as the carts she once thought of as horseless jolted up to the gates of Hogwarts and all those except the first years poured out. The thin, dark, and bony creatures that pulled them looked particularly sinister. _

_Severus glanced at her, and eyebrow raised, and Hermione suddenly realized he must have expected her to be from another school- after all, she hadn't been there last year, or the year before… _

_She gave him a look like, "What?" and hoped he didn't think on it anymore. If she didn't make a big deal of her slip, he probably wouldn't notice. Severus was a quiet man. _

"_You can see them." It was a statement. Hermione glanced back over at the Potions Master and met his gaze. She looked away, back towards the ghostly horses, and the nodded. _

"_Thestrals, right?" she asked, "They eat carrion and are sometimes seen as bad omens. Yet invisible to almost everyone. I wonder what the general population of Hogwarts would do if they realized that Thestrals pulled the carriages."_

_Severus made a noise and Hermione looked back at him. He looked amused. Hermione smiled too and wrapped her arms around her. It was September again- in a month it'd be a year. A year in the past._

"_Who was it?" Severus asked, looking at her again._

"_Who?" Hermione responded, even though she knew. When she met his glance once more she saw that he knew that too. She sighed and stepped closer to him, thinking about the future- when she'd seen people die. A place she probably wouldn't see for another nine years. She shivered- it would be horrible having to relive all six years of Hogwarts and the seventh when they were horcrux hunting, watching and knowing everything that was going on and being unable to stop it, unable to reveal herself until it was over. _

"_I didn't really have much of a childhood," she said a few moments later, to Severus as they started to walk back into the entrance hall, to meet the students there. Well- Severus would. She'd already be seated inside. _

_They paused inside and Hermione added on, "A friend's older brother was one of them. You-Know-Who's followers."_

"_That must have been hard," Severus said, and took her hand as they stood there, giving it a slight squeeze._

"_It was a long time ago," Hermione said- even though it wasn't. It felt like seven years- which she supposed it would have been if she'd really lived through the first Voldemort War. _

_They stopped talking as they heard the chatter of students coming up the lawn outside. Time for the welcoming feast- and the sorting. That would be fun. She and Severus exchanged close glances, then departed._

When Hagrid started spreading out foul meat for the Thestrals they wandered over, looking curiously at Harry, Ron, and her. Hermione smiled and stepped over to one of them and patted its scaly, bony neck. It stared at her with pale white eyes as it ripped another chunk of meat from off the ground.

"You're not that bad," Hermione told it, then stepped back and gave Harry a smile.

When they left Hagrid some time later, Hermione realized that she felt better. She felt almost happy. Harry and Ron headed back up the common room while Hermione slipped off to the library, planning on getting in some extra studying.

"So, how about that kiss?" a voice drawled. She was in a side corridor, still a minute or so from the library.

Hermione felt a brief flash of guiltiness for playing around with Malfoy while planning on pursuing Severus Snape. Malfoy though… Hermione needed to feel someone's arms around her.

"How about it?" she teased with a smile.

Malfoy stepped forward until his face was bare inches from hers, daring her to continue teasing him. Hermione took this as an invitation and kissed him gently, still holding onto her bag.

"This probably isn't the best place," Hermione breathed as she lowered her face. Malfoy's arms had wrapped themselves around her sometime during their kiss and Hermione wasn't totally sure she was comfortable with someone walking down the hallway and discovering them.

"I know a few places," Malfoy commented with a smirk. His hair was neat and tidy today. He looked as though he'd probably been heading from the library to his dormitory. His icy blue eyes met hers confidently but without a trace of the animosity that had characterized their encounters during their former school years. Perhaps ocean blue would be a better word to describe them.

Hermione laughed and slung her back over her shoulder, "Lead the way."

Malfoy led her to a set of room that was very obviously unoccupied. It looked like it might have been a Professor's suite at one point, but the inch of dust covering some of the furniture suggested it hadn't been that in a while. The sofa and bed however, were not dusty, and Hermione suspected Malfoy wasn't the only person who brought people here.

"You know Malfoy," Hermione said dropping her bag onto the floor, "I want you to know that I know you're not really a jerk. You're just another person who's scared to death, I've always known that."

Malfoy looked a little offended but answered honestly, "That's what I like about you Granger. I always felt that you knew me better than I knew myself. It made me uneasy."

Hermione let herself laugh thinking about how he'd spent most of last summer with the Death Eaters, and Severus. If anyone knew what fear was, he did. She was surprised at how easy it was to talk to him though. She hadn't expected him to be so forward and truthful about his own feelings.

"So, fancy a quick shag?" he asked gesturing towards the bed.

Hermione could tell he was half joking, but it suddenly seemed tempting to her and without really thinking about, she decided to take him up on it.

"You'll need your clothes off first Malfoy," she said walking over to him and undoing the clasp on his robes. Malfoy looked momentarily surprised but quickly recovered as Hermione kissed him gently, letting his robes drop to the ground.

**A/N: Thank you for reading, any comments/critiques would be much appreciated!**


	8. Neither of us Were Dreaming

**A/N: Our apologies to those suffering by the Hermione/Draco. Please bear with it and don't worry, this IS a Hermione/Snape story. :) **

**This story is co-authored by PhantomTigre. **

"I'm not a virgin, Malfoy," Hermione said as he paused in their undressing of each other. His hands were hesitating at her underclothes, and she could tell what he was thinking. He wasn't sure that _she_ was totally sure. His only response to this statement was a quiet, "Yeah I kind of suspected that- the whole ordering me to strip thing." And then he kissed her again and moved his hands up to unclip her bra.

A moment later he pushed her down onto the bed- Hermione wondered briefly when the sheets were last cleaned on it, but then decided she didn't care. She marveled at his body- he was so _young_. He was much less sure of himself than Severus had been- and his skin was so soft and _unmarked_. She found herself enjoying the difference between Malfoy and Severus- though she'd have rather it was Severus with her. Not that she thought about that at the time.

"So who was your first?" Malfoy asked a while later, as they lay curled up next to each other, hot and sweaty, under the sheets. Hermione was wondering if anyone was missing her.

She laughed at his statement and said slyly, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"It's in my own best interest. Who knows who Potter or Weasley have been sleeping with- what sort of strange diseases they might have…" Malfoy drawled, running a hand over Hermione's slightly curved stomach and sending a delightful tingle down her back.

"It wasn't either of them," she told him, kissing his nose and staring at him with sparkling brown eyes.

"You know I always imagined you as more of the innocent schoolgirl type," Malfoy told her a moment later, "Not the type to have sex out of marriage."

Hermione gave another short laugh and said, "Marriage is a sexist institution." Then she poked him and said in a falsetto, "Ooh Draaco, I never read anything in a book about _this_!"

Now it was Malfoy's turn to laugh, and to Hermione's deep amusement he actually looked a little pink and he said, "How was I supposed to know there was this incredibly sexual person hiding beneath all your books and rule abiding ways?"

Hermione snorted at him and said, "I've changed a lot."

"So have we all," was his answer. Hermione only smiled. A week ago, in this time, she never would have dreamed of kissing Malfoy, let alone having sex with him. Let alone being this casual about sex. Though she supposed her casualness was only in rebound.

Hermione snuck back to the Gryffindor Common room a little later, feeling better than she had in a while. It still wasn't too late- as she slipped into her dormitory and then into the bathroom to cast a quick anti-pregnancy charm she saw that Ginny was still up, reading a book on a toilet seat.

"Instructions on the art of urination?" Hermione asked.

"Didn't want to wake anyone up," Ginny said with a grin, and then as explanation burst into a series of giggles over something in the text, "It's a really good book."

"Clearly," Hermione answered, staring at her untidy hair in the mirror.

Ginny came out of her stall a moment later and set the book down on one of the sinks then stared over at Hermione thoughtfully, already in her pajamas and looking a bit sleepy. Hermione mentally checked her appearance again- it wouldn't do to have some sock stuck to her robes or a forgotten piece of underwear sticking out of a pocket. There wasn't. Hermione wondered off handedly if Ginny and Harry were sleeping together.

"Tell me about him," Ginny said and for a moment Hermione had the horrifying thought that Ginny was asking her to describe what having sex with Malfoy was like.

"Who?" she asked mildly, looking over at the redhead.

"Your…" Ginny sought for the word, "Paramour. Secret lover from the past. Tell me about him."

"Was that a romance you were reading?" Hermione asked, peering past Ginny with a wrinkle of her nose at the book that was sitting on the sink counter.

"No!" Ginny replied vehemently, grabbing the book and clutching it cover down, to her chest, then she giggled, "Maybe. But hearing your love stories would be much more fascinating."

"Tsk, tsk," Hermione said, "You have a dirty mind."

"I didn't mean _that_!" Ginny sighed in exasperation, "Just tell me about him. How did you fall in love? Why did you fall in love? What was he like?"

"He…" Hermione started, wondering if she really wanted to talk about. She leaned across the sink and peered into the mirror at herself for a moment then sighed and sat down, leaning against a toilet stall, stretching out her legs. _He is nothing like Draco Malfoy, for one. Malfoy is like an innocent version of Severus- he is nothing like Severus of course, but there is still something… Maybe it is just that Malfoy is a Slytherin. Do I have a thing for Slytherins?_ Hermione wondered, adding Krum to her list- he counted as Slytherin, anyway, then she realized all three of them- Krum, Severus, and Malfoy had all come onto her more than she had to them- maybe it was the other way around, and Slytherins liked _her_.

Ginny plopped herself down beside Hermione and looked expectantly at her friend's face, waiting. Hermione smiled and let her gaze drop over to Ginny.

"He was a Professor," she started, wondering if that was too big of a hint, then deciding it really wasn't, "Older than me. I suppose it started because I kept bugging him for help- my story was that I was a graduate student doing some research on time travel. He happened to… know a lot about an area critical to my search. Not that it helped in the long run."

"What- like Lockhart?" Ginny asked a with a grin.

Hermione chuckled, and shook her head, "_Nothing_ like Lockhart- but referring to age, yes. He was… in his late twenties. Ten years ago."

"So now he's in his late thirties?" Ginny poked in.

"As I said- it's complicated," Hermione said with a sigh, "Not that I care how old he is."

"Such a perfect romance," Ginny said with a grin, "Like out of a book."

Hermione smiled wryly and said, "I doubt any author would put me and this guy in a romance together. Not anyone in their right minds, anyway."

"What- is he like an old creepy dude?" Ginny wondered, watching Hermione with fascination.

"No- he was only around twenty-eight," Hermione said, then realized that 'old creepy dude' could definitely describe Severus.

She sighed and let her head drop backwards against the toilet stall and said, "It took us a long time to get into a relationship. I mean- he only saw me as a student at first and me… let's just say I had a few other things I needed to get over before I could see him as a potential lover. Once I let him know that I liked him, he made all the first moves. I think he liked me before I liked him- and that if I hadn't shown any signs of returning his interest, he wouldn't have even shown any hint of romantic attraction towards me."

"Sounds like a prince," Ginny said.

_The Half-Blood Prince, actually_, Hermione thought, but didn't say out loud, only let a slight smile slip over her lips.

"Anyway," she continued, "We have the same love of knowledge. The conversations we had… He was a wellspring of information- it wasn't the same as learning from a book. He understood my ideas, critiqued them, and… the student teacher barrier was gone. There's something wonderful about being able to really talk to someone who would have, in normal circumstances, considered you just a student. He was also mature, in a way none of the boys here are. He'd been through things. That was one of the few times I really felt like an adult. There were things we could share."

"Sounds wonderful," Ginny said, her voice slightly dreamy, "Just the kind of guy I'd put you with."

"I haven't told you his faults," Hermione replied, feeling a bit sad, "Though they no longer seem so great as they once did."

"Where is he now?" Ginny asked, "You talk about him in present tense some- is he still around?"

"No… not exactly," Hermione said uneasily, staring up at the ceiling, "He's not… he isn't here. He isn't accessible."

"He's alive though? And you know where he is?" Ginny pushed, "Why won't you tell us his name?"

"I…." Hermione paused, then said, "I don't want you to try and find him. Get involved. You'd look him up and… it's complicated."

"Is he still a Professor?" Ginny asked mischievously.

"No," Hermione lied, letting the word slip out softly, confidently, "He's not. And… just trust me about him, okay?"  
Ginny met Hermione's eyes, saw the seriousness in them, and nodded, "All right. But if you ever need me, I'm here."

"Thank you," Hermione said, and stood up, stretching, and suddenly feeling very tired. She hoped she dreamed of Severus.

Hermione stabbed at her toast angrily at breakfast. She could see Malfoy's back as he lounged at the Slytherin table drinking orange juice with his waffles. An image of his bare naked skin flashed through her mind and a delightful shiver ran down her back. Up at the staff table Severus sat picking lightly at his food. It was strange, this situation she was in, being forward in time and having sex with Malfoy.

She'd been a virgin just a few weeks ago in this time. Ironic. She'd never really thought about sex very much during her years at Hogwarts before. Oh, some Gryffindor was sleeping with some Hufflepuff, but she'd never paid much attention. She'd always sort of assumed that she'd eventually meet someone that she loved enough to want to share that kind of experience with. Strange, to have that event be in the past now, rather than a vague thing in the future. Now, she realized with a smirk, sex was a something that her mind categorized under things that are fun to do.

She wondered briefly what exactly Malfoy thought of their relationship and hoped she wouldn't end up hurting him. He didn't strike her as the type of boy to get heart broken or love sick though. A different sort of shiver ran down her spine as she let her eyes wander over Severus' body. Malfoy was a rough substitute, a nice one, but… Hermione's heart ached. She'd always thought that the phrase 'heart broken' was purely metaphorical, but this beating organ in her chest was telling her that it hurt, like a gaping yawning hole had been shot through it. Malfoy would not be the one to fill that hole, no one but the one who had created it could do that.

Hermione was suddenly struck with creative inspiration. She could get a _detention_ with him! Then he'd be forced to spend at least an hour with her in which she could drop subtle, or not so subtle, hints. At least maybe try and get him to talk reasonably, rationally, like Severus and Madeleine. Nothing had to come of it… Hermione just needed to know that he acknowledged her in a way that didn't include yelling.

Feeling much more cheerful she finished up her toast then stashed her books into her bag and waited for Harry and Ron to finish eating. They'd been eagerly discussing Quidditch tactics. It made her happy to see them discussing something so, normal. Quidditch was one of those things that reminded her of the happy days they'd had at Hogwarts. Harry looked to be recovering, pulling out of his suicidal slump. Of course, he hadn't been suicidal technically, just- depressed.

Hermione, Harry and Ron got to class early and started getting materials for the assignment Professor Snape had put on the board. At this level of magic they were given little instruction from their teachers and were expected to know enough background about each of their subjects to figure out how to work out a spell, charm, or potion by themselves.

Hermione was purposely careless getting her materials, going so far as to spill leech juice all over the floor. Harry and Ron gave her curious glances as she pretended to not realize what she'd spilled. The floor started smoking lightly and Ron nudged Hermione. She glanced up to see Professor Snape scowling darkly at her. To her disappointment though he didn't approach her and instead watched as she flicked her wand at it, dispelling it from the floor rather than conjuring it back into its bottle. It was no good anymore anyway.

Sighing, she went back to getting ingredients. Snape said nothing as the rest of the class came in and they began working on the potion he'd written on the board. It was a Blood Replenishing Potion, and very difficult. Hermione almost decided to give up on the detention idea- she wanted to try this Potion, but decided she couldn't give up- not since she'd already started.

At first she tried just dropping and spilling things, but these Snape ignored pointedly- though Harry and Ron noticed, eliciting more curious glances from them. Hermione grinned sheepishly at them and whispered that she hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. They didn't seem to believe her.

It wasn't until she made move to add a particularly flammable potion ingredient out of order that the Potions Master swooped over and grabbed her wrist tightly to stop her from adding it at the incorrect time- and causing several explosions in the process.

"That is quite enough, Miss Granger," he snarled, "If you continue to make such amateur mistakes I will be forced to remove you from the classroom."

"If the instructions were more _clear_," she replied tartly, yanking her arm back and putting the ingredient back down. She peered around him at the board, then began chopping up some obscure plant. Snape retreated with a swish of robes to criticize Neville.

"Hermione?" Ron hissed over to her, "What's gotten into you?"

"It's not me," she growled back, "It's _Snape_."

Ron shrugged to Harry and Hermione continued making her Potion. If Snape hadn't given her detention for any of that-what would? He seemed adamantly opposed to punishing her- as if he knew what she was up to. She wouldn't put it past him.

With a smirk to herself she picked up some slug entrails and flicked them at the Professor's back as he was walking away from her on the other side of the class. They landed with a splat on his black robes, then started sliding down, leaving a gooey, bloody trail on his robes. People stared at Snape as he whirled around. Hermione peered down into her cauldron, pretending not to notice his glare.

"Five points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger," he said softly from the other side of the room.

"What?" Ron- who hadn't seen her do it, exclaimed, his head jerking up, "But she didn't do it!"

"Another five points from Gryffindor- for cheek Mr. Weasley," Snape said and waved his wand, making the entrails disappear.

Hermione growled under her breath and hurriedly dropped the rest of her slug's entrails into the potion, watching as it boiled and then turned red. It was off a shade, of course, but Hermione wasn't trying to get it perfect. Finally, she resorted to her very last idea for detention, and feeling horribly guilty as she watched Snape stride between the desks, closer, closer…

Hermione paused, then leaned down to get something from her bag, bumped against a chair, slipped and shoved her whole table over, sending her cauldron- and Ron's, sailing through the air. They landed with a clatter and a splash on the floor, spilling boiling hot potions everywhere- and all over Snape. Steam rose around the Potion's Master as he turned upon Hermione, who was pulling herself to her feet, an expression of horror on her face.

"Detention, Miss Granger!" he yelled, steam rising from his robes then pointed at the door, "Class dismissed. YOU!"- he pointed at Hermione, "Stay!"

Everyone hurriedly shuffled out, Harry and Ron giving Hermione half apologetic, half bemused glances. Hermione shrugged to them and stood up, staring the mixing blood covered potions on the floor. Snape had turned around and whirled to the front of the classroom. Hermione could tell by his shaking shoulders that he was livid.

"Clean that up," he hissed as he turned back to face her his lips in a thin line, "Then leave. Your detention will be at eight o'clock tonight. It's what you wanted- right?"

Hermione didn't answer, only crouched down and put out her wand, all anger at him and determination to force him to talk was gone. She only felt bad- he'd known all along then, what she was trying to do. As she pulled the cauldrons back onto the table she had the sinking feeling that having detention was not going to help, and all she'd done was make him more likely to hate her.

OOO

That evening Hermione left her studying and, with Harry and Ron's wishes of good luck, headed down to the dungeons. She entered cautiously and peered into the darkened classroom. Severus was sitting at the desk, his head in his hands. He looked up as she entered and a thin scowl appeared upon his face. Hermione's gut wrenched with pain and she looked down at her feet.

"You'll be removing the eyes from those," he said and pointed at a desk where a bucket was resting. She went over and peered in. Beetles. She sighed and looked over at Severus, but he had disappeared.

Hermione cursed under her breath and sat down, waving her wand to light one of the lamps in the room, giving her a little more light. It was cold, and Hermione found herself shivering slightly as she got a knife and started digging the eyes out of the creatures. All her work for nothing- he wasn't going to stay and he hadn't given her anything interesting to do. She should have realized this was what would happen. She remembered so many times, years and years ago in this very same dungeon- only months for her, where she'd been working on Potions with the very same man who'd left after looking at her with a dark scowl. How was she ever going to win him back?

A few hours later Snape reappeared. The bucket was almost empty of beetles, and a small pile of their eyes had accumulated. Hermione never realized how many beetles had to go into making such large amounts of beetle eyes. He ignored her and started writing on the board- in preparation for the morning's class, she supposed. She watched him over the bucket, glancing up every once and a while from her stabbing the knife into the beetles' heads, trying to work up the courage to say something to him.

In the end- she didn't have to, because Severus whirled around and growled at her, as if he'd been waiting the whole time to ask her just this, "Why are you here, Miss Granger?"

Hermione looked at him, startled- she knew better than to make some smart remark about his giving her a detention- they both knew he didn't mean that. She just thought it was obvious, after all…

"I want to talk to you," she answered, staring at him, and was surprised to hear her voice cracking, "Just _talk_ to you. You won't even _talk_ to me."

"Fine," Severus drawled, crossing his arms, a piece of chalk still in his fingers, "Talk."

Hermione was suddenly at a loss for words. She stuttered for a moment, trying to start a few sentences, then fell silent again. Then she sighed, stood up and said, "Tell me I didn't dream going back in time. Tell me you really knew a Madeline Saunders. Tell me I remember it true."

Snape's lips almost twitched into a sneer, but he evidently managed to control it. It was a long time before he said, "I think it's fairly clear neither of us were dreaming."

Hermione let a sigh slip from her before she could stop herself and she sat backwards on a desk. She almost felt like laughing- it felt that good to hear just that from him. She hadn't realized how much she wanted it, wanted to hear him say it was true, say he remembered.

"Happy?" he asked, when it was clear she wasn't saying anything more, and now he was sneering, "Did you get what you want?"

Hermione stared at him, feeling shocked into silence at the anger in his voice. He continued, "Don't come back here Miss Granger- I have no wish to give you another detention. Go now and laugh at me with Potter and Weasley all you like!"

Hermione barely managed to stutter in sheer amazement, "Laugh?"

Snape whirled around angrily and started writing on the board again- a moment later he noticed she hadn't left and he whirled back, shaking and shouted, "Did you not hear me, Miss Granger? This is over. You may leave"-

"You really think I'm going to leave _now_?" she retorted, "You"-

"Yes," he hissed, baring his teeth at her, "I have no wish to see your face ever again- however you are still in my class, so I will suffer that. But I feel no need to review the details of how a little know it all student seduced me once upon a time."

Hermione felt a slow sort of anger seep into her at the unrighteousness of it- the unfairness of it! Didn't he remember anything? Was he so biased? Couldn't he _see_?

"Is that what you think of me? Is that what you thought of me? That I'm a whore?" she spat at him, feeling hurt and angry and frustrated.

"You must have known you were going to leave," his voice was like daggers, "I'm not a fool, Miss Granger. I know the abilities of your mind"-

"That's what I came here to explain!" Hermione interrupted, "That's why"-

"Don't make up stories, Miss Granger," he said, his voice dangerously low and soft, "I know why you are here."

Hermione cursed and stared at him, unable to grasp the words to explain to him what she was feeling. She wanted to cry and curse, she wanted to slap him in the face and crawl at his feet and beg for forgiveness. But she had the horrible, terrible feeling that none of that would work. Hermione turned around and walked out. The door shut behind her and Hermione stood for a moment in the hallway, gasping, her eyes burning, before hurrying up out of the dungeons.

**A/N: We welcome comments/critique! **


	9. At Least Now He Knew

**A/N: Thanks to all those who read and/or reviewed the last chapter! This chapter continues right where the last one left off...**

"Don't touch things! Ten points from Hufflepuff," Hermione snapped at a pair of first years who were poking at one of the suits of armor. They looked horror stricken, but Hermione did not pause to listen to their complaints and stormed past.

She managed to deduct nearly fifty points total from all four of the houses by the time she got to the library, mainly from first years, one of them for looking far too happy. No one had a right to look that happy. He couldn't have been up to any good.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Hermione knew that she was being completely ludicrous, that she was barely making sense, but she didn't feel like listening to that part of herself right then. Her emotions were all over the place, and almost to a cracking point. Or perhaps she'd already cracked. With a hysterical giggle, between sobs, she wondered if they'd send her to St. Mungo's.

In the library she spied just the person she was looking for. His blonde hair stood out at his table of dark-haired Slytherins.

"Malfoy!" she said loudly, earning a reproachful look from Madam Pince.

He jerked around, startled, and stood up upon seeing her.

"I need to talk you, now!" she snapped at him, glaring at the other Slytherins around him, daring them to challenge her. She must have looked terrifying enough that none of them objected. Malfoy followed her without a question outside the library where the tears suddenly became a torrent. All her anger left her and she clutched at his robes helplessly, burying her face in his chest. Malfoy pulled her off behind a tapestry into a hidden hallway; it was empty and a bit dusty. To his credit he didn't ask her what was wrong, rather, held her tightly until her tears finally slowed down.

"Snape, complete bastard," she managed to say finally, her voice a wreck.

Malfoy raised an eyebrow, seeming to have no idea what to say to that.

"He," she said, then gave a half gasp half sob and took a deep breath, "is a complete bastard. He just has no idea, he refuses, doesn't want to see the truth. I swear, he wants to hate me, he _wants_ to be hated. He.. oh- I don't know what the fuck is wrong with him!"

"Slow down Hermione," Malfoy said softly moving his hands up to her shoulders and kissing her softly and whispering, "Take a deep breath. Relax."

"Make love to me," Hermione asked, sounding a little desperate.

"Tell me what's wrong first," Malfoy said gently, taking a step back.

"Later," Hermione said forcefully, taking a step forward and kissing him, pushing him back to the wall and pressing herself against him. Despite his protests his body sung another story, and she could feel his heartbeat speed up.

"Prefect's lounge?" Malfoy gasped a moment later, "It's in the next hallway."

"Anywhere," Hermione said breathlessly, kissing his neck, "That sounds fine."

A few minutes later Malfoy slammed the door to the lounge behind them, performed a simple locking charm on it, and was promptly shoved onto the sofa by Hermione.

"Care to give me an explanation now?" Malfoy whispered into her ear as they lay on their sides on the cramped sofa afterwards.

"Mmm," Hermione replied, feeling rather sleepy and quite relaxed. Her anger had dissipated.

"Professor Snape?" he prompted her.

"I had a detention with him," Hermione offered, "And he was a total asshole."

Then she paused, thinking back, she'd had no idea that Severus hated her, _hated_ her. Apparently the fact that Madeleine Saunders was Hermione Granger had not sat lightly with him. She felt the tears starting to gather again, hearing his piercing words about her laughing with Harry and Ron. She would never- she sighed, he obviously didn't know that though. Then again, he'd never known Hermione Granger. Hermione Granger was an insufferable know-it-all, friends with Harry Potter.

"I guess it was really a huge misunderstanding," she admitted with a short laugh. Malfoy ran a hand through her hair and put his chin over her shoulder so that their cheeks were resting against each other. Hermione sighed, feeling extremely warm and comfortable, and snuggled closer to him.

"What happened in the war, on your side?" she asked.

"It wasn't really my side," Malfoy said, a frown flashing over his face.

"It must have been awful, I can't imagine," Hermione said trailing off a bit.

"I thought I was going to die," he told her, "I didn't know Snape was a spy. I thought Snape was going to kill me. I thought You-Know-Who was going to kill me."

Hermione remained silent, and let him continue.

"I think Snape has had a lot of people misunderstand him. I certainly did. I didn't know he was against You-Know-Who until the final battle. I, I was one of them. I had to be, You-Know-Who, if I'd had any thoughts of resistance, I would have been dead. If I'd known Snape was a spy, I would have turned him in to the Dark Lord. Every minute, my life was on the line, they weren't entirely trusting of me. I did what I had to do to survive. In the final battle though, when I saw him switch sides, I did too. I didn't have any second thoughts, and I think that's what saved my life. I feel horrible about that sometimes, like maybe I deserve to be in Azkaban," Malfoy trailed off, "I owe McGonagall a lot for letting me come back here, if I hadn't been assigned, Snape wouldn't have made that vow…"

"It's not your fault Malfoy, you were a kid," Hermione told him, "We all were. God knows Harry has made enough silly mistakes."

"It wasn't a silly mistake though, I actually joined the Death Eaters," Malfoy told her, "Snape, I can't imagine how he did that. I admire him more than anyone else in the whole world. He saved my life."

Then Malfoy tilted his head to look at her, "Why are you here with me Hermione?"

"I'm not completely emotionally stable right now," Hermione told him seriously.

"Are any of us?" Malfoy retorted, expecting more of an answer than that.

"Let's just say I've changed," Hermione said with a sigh, "I'm with you Malfoy because you're here."

"Well you're here too, you know that?" he asked her kissing her ear. Hermione wasn't exactly sure what he meant.

She rolled over and looked at him in the face, "You really want to be with me?"

"I'm not exactly stable either," Malfoy admitted with a grin, "So, until we both come to our senses, I'm perfectly happy with this situation."

"Just as long as you don't come to your senses any time soon," Hermione teased kissing his chest gently.

_Hermione stepped inside the Potion Master's rooms, quietly closing the door behind her. It was late- she'd spent hours longer in the library than she had originally intended. But Severus was still up, grading papers. She touched the paper in her pocket and felt her heart skip a beat as she walked over to the desk that he hunched over, his hair falling over his eyes as he scanned a piece of parchment, a quill in hand, a pot of red ink beside him. _

I love this man, _Hermione__thought,__touching__his__shoulders__gently.__He__paused,__then__leaned__backwards__in__his__chair,__setting__the__quill__down__with__a__long__sigh._

_Hermione leaned forward and whispered into his ear, "I have something to tell you."_

_She was glad her voice didn't shake- she wasn't sure she could bring herself to tell him. It was one thing telling him she was from the future- and that was why she was interested in time spells. It was another to tell him she wasn't in his future. She almost didn't want to tell him because she didn't want it to be true. She didn't want it to ruin the time they had and she- absurdly, felt that if she didn't tell him it wouldn't come true. _

"_Can it wait?" he asked, looking up at her with a slight smile. He never smiled any more than a slight smile. But it was a beautiful smile. Hermione felt her heart speed up again, but not from fear. _

"_Maybe," she answered, smiling back at him. He stood up and pushed his chair in, waving his wand- the lamp fluttered out. _

_She felt his lips press against her in the darkness and her body unconsciously moved closer to him. One little kiss and it was like fire through her body. One little kiss and she was practically moaning. _

_They both knew where the bed was, but neither of them was in any hurry. She felt comfortable with him, and he with her. They both knew what to expect from each other by now. Severus ran kisses down her neck, then to her shoulder and down her arm, then pushed up her sleeve to kiss the bare skin of her wrist. Hermione had never realized how sensitive such a… non-sexual part of her body could be. Then again, Severus had a way of making her entire body feel sensitive. _

_Then he slid off her robes, letting them fall casually to the floor and set her down onto the edge of the bed. She leaned backwards as he carefully took off her shoes and socks, kissing her toes once he had done so. He took her hands then, and pulled her back to her feet and unbuttoned her shirt before sliding it off over her shoulders and dropping it on top of her robes. His hands rested lightly on her sides for a moment before sliding down to remove her skirt. _

_His hands then moved up her back to unclasp her bra. As he pulled it off, his hands ran gently over her breasts and he kissed them each once. Hermione let out a small moan at that. He moved his hands back down to her waist, kissing her as he did so, and pulled her underwear down. Hermione slipped the rest of the way out of them and kicked them off to the side. _

_Severus lowered her to the bed and she stretched out on top of the sheets, enjoying the feeling of being completely naked. Severus stepped back to undress himself- rather quickly compared to the time he'd taken to undress her. Hermione then felt his weight on the bed, then felt his hands on her body and his lips press themselves against hers once more. He was firm against her thigh and she sighed as he slid one hand down... _

_A few hours later Hermione got up and slipped into her robes. She looked over at the sleeping Severus and pulled the note out of her pocket. She stared at it for a moment, deciding she'd just have to tell him tomorrow, when she suddenly felt herself fall. She landed in a puddle near the lake. _

Over the next few weeks Hermione adamantly skipped all of her Potions classes. She had _intended_ to keep attending them, but every time she saw her Potions book in her bag, or thought about entering his classroom she just… couldn't. She just couldn't. Harry and Ron were horrified- and tried to convince her otherwise, but Hermione could not be budged. She couldn't offer them a good explanation why, either, because she wasn't entirely sure herself. She assumed that was why they set Ginny on her again…

"Hermione!" Ginny shouted as Hermione stepped into the common room after a particularly brain stimulating Arithmancy class. Hermione looked over at her curiously, then found herself being dragged up into the girl's dormitory- the door slammed shut behind them. Hermione looked curiously around- this was Ginny's year.

"What?" she asked, thinking of all the homework she needed to work on. It was a good distraction- she'd signed up for a lot of challenging classes this year and Hermione was grateful for it now.

"You need to talk to Ron and Harry," the younger girl said fiercely, "They're pulling their hair out over you- and you won't talk to them."  
"I talk to them!" Hermione protested feebly, realizing Ginny was right.

"I mean, they know you have broken heart and all… but _talk_ to them about it," Ginny said, sitting down on her bed, "And even if you don't talk to them, stop _ignoring_ them. We all feel kind of abandoned."

Ginny was giving Hermione an oddly curious-suspicious look and Hermione wondered exactly what that was about, but she answered with a sigh, "I'm sorry Ginny. It's just… hard."

"I have one question, though," Ginny said, twirling her wand as she perched on the end of her bed, "If you're so crushed about your ex-love, why are you snogging Malfoy?"

Hermione stared at Ginny, feeling herself turn red and wondering _how_ Ginny knew about _that_. Ginny was wearing a smirk and Hermione sank against the door to the dormitory, feeling at a loss for words.

Finally she managed, "How do you know about that?"

"Saw you- I've kind of been following you around a bit," Ginny answered casually, "Why _him_? I mean he's handsome and all but he's _Malfoy_, Hermione."

"You were following me?" Hermione retorted indignantly, dropping her bags to the ground and straightening up.

"You're being so _reclusive_…" Ginny said with a shrug, "I thought maybe you were up to something… You are, it seems. And I thought I'd find you just spending too many hours in the library."

Hermione fumed for a moment, then wondered why she was fuming, and said, "I'm sorry Ginny…"

She moved over to the girl and sat down beside her, flopping backwards onto the bed with a sigh. Ginny smiled at her reassuringly and said, "As long as you explain what on earth tempted you to go out with _Malfoy_, I'll forgive you of anything."

"It's hard to explain," Hermione said with a frown, staring at the ceiling, "Malfoy is very solid, somehow… He's here and… my 'paramour' as you put it, is not. He's changed a lot, in the war, Malfoy has. He's not the same person he was. I just… I ran into him one day and suddenly realized that he liked me."

"Not that you liked him?" Ginny inquired. She sounded amused.

"Well- I like that he likes me," Hermione replied, sounding a bit sheepish, "And I need someone. I'm a bit needy right now."

"So he's a rebound?" Ginny wondered, then said, "You know- whatever Malfoy's giving you that you miss from this mysterious man from the past- that's what friends are for. Well, not entirely, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah," Hermione said, making a resolution to herself that she'd spend more time with Harry, Ron, and Ginny, "Yes. I'm sorry, again, Ginny. You're completely right."

"Speaking of your time in the past…" Ginny started and Hermione sat up, looking at Ginny inquiringly as she finished, "Is the reason you won't tell us his name because he's still around? Still around and perhaps not recognizing you?"

Hermione stared at Ginny, then sputtered, "No! I told you the truth before- I don't want you guys investigating him…"  
"Hermione!" Ginny responded, "That's what we're _for_! How can we help you if you won't let us? Have you tried to contact him- or is he dead?"

"No!" Hermione answered vehemently, "I mean yes. But Ginny… it's complicated. I just can't tell you- please accept that, okay?"

"Fine," Ginny answered- too quickly, Hermione thought, and said, "But you have to talk to us. We're your friends. You don't need to go to Malfoy for comfort- I hope you don't feel that way."  
"No…" Hermione shook her head, "Malfoy's someone different though. He does more talking than I do. He's someone I can listen to and relate to and forget about my own problems. I need a change after… going back in time. If I need to talk, I'll come to you guys."

"I think I understand," Ginny said with a nod, twirling her wand again, "Well- I suppose you have homework. I'm glad we had this talk."  
"Me too," Hermione said, and as they walked out together Hermione's mind was already wandering back to homework.

Hermione sat under a tree by the lake, watching the waters. It was chilly, and the leaves were almost entirely gone. But it was nice. It was refreshing. She was reminded ironically of watching Harry sit in this same place, and realized again they'd switched places to an extent. Had her problems overcome Harry's?

She sighed and looked at the ripples of wind over the lake and thought about Snape. She hadn't fully realized the extent of what had happened back in time, between her and Severus. She'd _left_ him after all- and then, to realize Madeline was actually Hermione Granger… It must have been very hard for him- no wonder he wouldn't talk to her at first! She took it quite hard that he assumed the worst though- that she had been toying with him back then, and never meant any of it. Of course, it _had_ been ten years, so she could understand if his memory was a little fuzzy.

Then again, Hermione realized she didn't really know where Severus stood on their relationship in the first place. Had he loved her- or had it just been a fling to him from the very beginning? What had been his intentions? Did he know she loved him? She felt a cold feeling in her stomach as she realized she'd never said it to him, never let him know in words. He'd never said he loved her either. They hadn't actually talked about their relationship at all. Hermione thought that was because they just understood each other innately but what if… what if they hadn't? What if everything she thought about Severus was all wrong? All a misunderstanding? Had anything _ever_ been there between them?  
Hermione sighed, and decided there had. She was just there. Even if he didn't remember, she did. There was something there. But Hermione despaired of ever being able to reignite that something, especially after her last conversation with him. How could she ever apologize to him, explain to him? And even if he did understand, how could she get him to fall back in love with her?

_Maybe__I__should__tell__someone_, Hermione thought, thinking of her conversation with Ginny, _It__would__be__wonderful__to__get__a__second__opinion__on__this__matter._

But even the idea of telling Malfoy made her shiver. It was so… no one would _believe_ her, let alone _help_ her. Malfoy liked Snape, for sure, but Harry, Ron, and Ginny… They wouldn't listen to her, wouldn't understand how she'd fallen in love with him. Ginny found it amusing- but would she still if she knew it was Severus Snape?

Hermione got up and decided to go to Potions class again. Hiding from him wouldn't help anything- and she still had to pass Potions, even if she wished to avoid the teacher. She told Harry and Ron the next morning over breakfast:

"I'm coming to Potions," she said as she reached for a butter dish to spread butter on a piece of toast.

Ron peered over at her curiously, clutching some pumpkin juice as if he wasn't sure what to make of that, but he finally said, "That's great Hermione. We were just starting to wonder if we should copy you. Snape's been a terror, he really has. He's even been taking points from Slytherin."

Harry leaned back in his chair and responded to Ron's comments, "Well the war can't change everyone for the better."

"Yeah but I still wonder what's gotten into him," Ron sighed, poking at a piece of sausage as Pig came flying over to perch on Ron's cup, a letter in his beak. He had to keep fluttering his wings to keep his balance- the letter was so heavy. Ron took it with a sigh and opened it, scratching the owl's head before Pig flew off.

"It's from Mum," he said in response to Harry and Hermione's inquiring glances, "She's still taking it pretty hard. Wants to know how you two are doing. I told her you'd gone back in time and stuff- here, she has a note for you."

Ron handed Hermione a folded piece of parchment and set his own letter down and said to Harry, "When's the next Quidditch practice?"

"Tomorrow," Harry answered, looking a bit perkier at that, "We're against Ravenclaw in the next match, and they're pretty good. I've been reading up on tactics…"

Hermione unfolded her note and looked at the hastily scrawled writing inside of it. It basically had lots of mention of love and chocolate and that Molly was quite experienced in the ways of love so if Hermione needed any advice or help… Everyone seemed to be offering their ears. Hermione suddenly felt immensely grateful for all the wonderful people she was surrounded by. She closed the note with a sigh and tucked it into a pocket. Everyone wanted her to talk. If only they knew. She wished she could. Maybe she should.

Potions class went all right. Snape had taken to ignoring her again, and Hermione wasn't sure whether or not to be grateful or angry at him. The only feeling she seemed to be able to dredge up was one of sadness, and guilt. She made her potion in silence, only speaking to help Harry and Ron, and look at the empty desk where Seamus Finnegan should have been following the instructions with everyone else. There were too many empty desks this year.

As everyone else was filing out, Hermione stayed behind, sitting quietly in her desk and waiting for Severus to notice her. She had a piece of parchment out, and was scribbling on it, as if it were perfectly natural for her to still be there, when she heard a throat being cleared. She looked up. Snape was glaring at her.

"Why, Miss Granger," he started, sounding exasperated, "Why are you here? What can you possibly imagine we could discuss that we haven't already? Or did you come to further rub my actions into my face?"

Hermione let the harsh words float through her and stood up, keeping her expression calm and she answered, "I am so sorry. I know I can't begin to apologize for what I've done, but I just want you to know that. That I'm sorry."

She looked away from Severus, expecting to hear him yell for her to get out. But he didn't. There was a long silence.

"I am sure you are quite sorry for getting into a relationship with me," he said, but Hermione could hear the uncertainty behind his voice.

"Goodness no," Hermione exclaimed quickly, looking up at him, "I'm sorry I didn't _tell_you. I didn't think I was getting back, it'd been so long… and it wasn't until after we were… in a relationship that I realized that I wasn't in your future. I don't know how I didn't realize it earlier but… I'm sorry.. a thousand times. But I swear it... I didn't know I wouldn't get a chance to tell you everything. I was going to tell you the night I got pulled back. I don't know if you remember…"

Hermione could vividly remember that night in her mind, and she was fairly sure he probably remembered too. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the note she had written, crumpled and smudged. It was just her thoughts, written down for organization. She had intended to tell him out loud- the note was never meant for him, but… she handed it to him.

He took it slowly, staring at her from behind suspicious eyes. He unfolded the piece of parchment and Hermione watched as his eyes skimmed over it. Then he sighed and set it down on a desk, then crossed his arms and looked at her. His gaze did not have the anger it held before.

"You needn't be sorry, Miss Granger," he said softly, "It was ten years ago for me. It is no longer in my thoughts. Do not concern yourself over my feelings."

Hermione looked him over, knowing this was probably the best she might ever get from him and then said, "Severus… I don't want it to not bother you- if that makes any sense."

Then she turned around and left, not waiting for him to reply- not sure she wanted to hear what he could think to say to that and thinking it was best to end it on a relatively good note. At least now he knew.

**A/N: PhantomTigre and I appreciate any comments/critique! **


	10. How am I going to take my NEWTS?

**A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter! Angelwells in particular had some good feedback, thank you! I hope that Phantomtigre and I can go back someday and do some editing to take what you've said into account, but at this point in the story most the relevant chapters have already occurred, unfortunately. **

"Well, I'm off to do some studying," Hermione said, "I've got a few Head Girl duties to do as well."

Harry and Ron glanced up from their chess game, disappointment mirrored across their faces. Ginny only smirked and mouthed the word 'Malfoy?' with her lips. Hermione resisted fiercely the blush she could feel creeping up on her face and snapped her book shut loudly.

"Come on, take a break from all your work," Ron pleaded.

"I'm horrible at chess," she told them, "And you two are in the middle of a game anyway."

"Well, Ginny's not doing anything," Harry pointed out. Ginny leaned her head back to rest against his shoulder as if to protest this comment.

"Don't worry, I'm sure Hermione considers her Head Girl duties a break," Ginny said pushing her nose back into her book.

Hermione gave her a glare mixed with a grateful look then turned around and climbed through the portrait hole.

Malfoy was waiting in the Prefect's lounge as Hermione had expected he would. He was never late, and was hardly ever even on time; he seemed to prefer being at least five minutes early to any meeting they planned.

"How're your classes going?" she asked as a way of greeting.

Malfoy shrugged, "Usual. Pansy's been after me some again."

Hermione went over to stand behind him from his spot at the little table and rubbed his shoulders, inquiring, "Do you really have any friends?"

Malfoy made a face and shrugged again, "Slytherins stick out for each other, but I wouldn't call any of them what you would call Potter and Weasley."

"Potions class isn't so bad anymore," she admitted, "Snape is being reasonable again. I think I've managed to convince him not to hate me."

"Since when have you cared about his opinion anyway?" Malfoy asked turning to look up at her.

"Since he played such a major part in the war and I recognized his talents in spells and potions and know that there's a lot I can learn from him if he'd be more willing to teach," Hermione said lightly, "He saved our lives several times too you know."

"I don't think he values his life very highly," Malfoy commented, "He never came across as suicidal to me, but… he seemed quite ready to sacrifice himself for a cause."

"Well, that's pretty much what he did do, right?" Hermione asked. Harry had never fully indulged her in all the details of what had happened between Severus and Dumbledore, but bits and pieces had slid around here and there, and what he'd done in the final battle was no secret.

"Yeah," Malfoy agreed tilting his head fully back into her hands to stare straight up into her eyes. She leaned down and kissed him gently, feeling a bit odd to have her face meet his upside down.

Finally she took a breath then sat down next to him at the table, letting her hand slip down to rest on his leg.

"I think girls must think about sex far more than guys," Malfoy teased.

"I wasn't thinking about sex," Hermione retorted, then added, "You clearly were though."

Malfoy smirked but said nothing, glancing back at the papers he'd spread out over the table. Charms work, it looked like.

"Need any help?" Hermione offered.

"Like you could help me Granger," Malfoy drawled, "You may be Head Girl, but you've forgotten that I'm Head Boy."

Hermione laughed. That was another thing that Malfoy offered to her that Harry and Ron didn't. Malfoy never copied her work, not that she minded helping Harry and Ron, rather it was quite fun to explain to them things she understand- but, like Snape, she could bounce ideas off Malfoy. They'd only kissed for the first time a week or two ago, but already she recognized that his intelligence was a close match to hers. His knowledge was only limited by his age, in a way that Severus' was not. And he was so soft, compared to Severus, both his skin and his emotions.

"Have you ever fallen in love?" Hermione asked offhandedly, leaning back in her chair. Malfoy gave her a startled uneasy look.

"I, uh, I'm not sure," Malfoy stuttered, at a bit of a loss for words. Hermione immediately realized that she'd posed the question in a way that implied that perhaps, she was starting to love him. She opened her mouth to speak, then wondered, was he starting to love her? He certainly seemed to get attached to things quite easily.

"Do you love me?" she asked quickly, curiously.

"Do _you_ love me?" he retorted, just as incredulous.

They both took a moment to examine each other uneasily, searching each other's eyes. Feeling rather ridiculous Hermione let out a laugh. This broke the tension and Malfoy laughed too, until they were both giggling uncontrollably. Gasping for breath Hermione finally managed to quell the shaking of her sides. It felt good, to laugh that hard, let it all out. She brushed a few tears from the corners of her eyes and gave Malfoy a good look.

"I'm not in love with you Malfoy," she told him with a smile.

"Neither am I, with you that is," he told her.

"Good to get that in the open I guess," Hermione said brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"So who did you fall in love with?" Malfoy inquired, raising an eyebrow in a way that was eerily similar to Severus.

"What?" Hermione asked.

"You had to have had a reason for asking that question," Malfoy returned. He was quick.

"Yes, well," Hermione started, "Remember when I was out of class for a few days?"

Malfoy nodded.

"I went back in time, a year passed by for me before they pulled me back," Hermione explained, "During that time, I fell in love. And I'm still in love with that person, though I fear he no longer returns my affections after all this time."

"Oh," Malfoy said simply. Obviously he hadn't expected something quite so complicated. Hermione remained silent.

"Huh," he commented thoughtfully then asked, "Are you using me?"

"No!" Hermione said quickly, "Though I suppose it depends on your definition of use. I did tell you I wasn't emotionally stable."

Malfoy laughed softly, "Now I know why. Well, I suppose if you're using me, then I must be using you too."

"It's mutual then," Hermione replied with a smile. Malfoy laughed again and leaned over to press his lips against hers.

OOO

Hermione woke up around three in the morning and realized she had to get back to her dormitory. Too many questions would be asked if she came into the common room one morning too often. Getting up she stretched her legs and headed over to the bathroom, where, feeling a sudden wave of nausea upon standing up, threw up into the toilet. Squinting at herself in the mirror, it hit her.

"Malfoy!" she yelled, feeling a little hysterical. The blonde haired boy sat up with a jerk on the sofa looked bemused and still very much asleep.

"Good morning," he mumbled sleepily, scratching his head and looking puzzled at the lack of sunlight coming through the window.

"I'm pregnant!" she told him loudly, then sank against the doorway to the bathroom putting her arms around her stomach. Yes, it was a little rounder than it normally was. And her period hadn't come. Her mind felt like it was on hold, not quite registering what she had just told Malfoy.

"What?" Malfoy asked, suddenly looking wide awake, "But we've only done it, I mean.. you've done that charm each time.. how could, why"-

"It's not yours," she told exasperatedly, as if this should have been obvious.

"Then whose is it?" Malfoy asked incredulously, standing up.

Hermione sighed and looked up at the ceiling, wondering how she could possibly tell Severus.

"Does this have to do with the whole back in time thing?" he questioned her, coming over beside her and taking her into his arms.

She leaned against him gratefully and nodded, "Yes, after getting sucked back, everything was so hectic. I mean, they pulled me back in the middle of night so I hadn't…"

"Wow, I wouldn't still be friends with Potter and Weasley if they'd done that to me," Malfoy commented with a smile.

"Don't joke about stuff like this!" Hermione scolded him then moaned, "What am I going to do?"

"Are you totally sure?" he inquired, stepping back to look at her.

"Yes! You just KNOW these things," Hermione told her fiercely.

"Well, how come you didn't _know_ before?" Malfoy asked her. Hermione looked caught off guard and he said, "Just do the spell. You know, to check."

"I don't know that spell," she admitted with a look as if, why would I know that spell?

"Let's go look it up then," Malfoy pushed.

"At this time of the night?" Hermione asked.

"No one will see us," Malfoy pointed out, "Come on, I'll go with you. Let's get dressed."

"What if we're caught? What should we say?" Hermione asked, "That me and my boyfriend are looking up sex spells?"

"No one knows we're seeing each other, and no one will be there at this time anyway," Malfoy said stepping into his robes and pulling them on.

Hermione took a deep breath and looked out the window, her brain screaming, "How am I going to take my NEWTS?" and secondarily "What will my parents think?" at her. She quieted it with a shove and let her gaze wander over the grounds. Malfoy handed her her robes which she quickly put on and then followed him outside.

Thirty minutes later they were both tucked into a small corner of the library, reading by wandlight. Hermione held her wand and swished it as she said the words to what looked like a fairly simple incantation.

"It's positive," Malfoy whispered.

"I told you," Hermione retorted with a smile, quickly followed by a grimace.

"You know, if you want, you can tell everyone that I'm the father," Malfoy told her, "Since, the whole back in time thing is a little, weird."

"You're not, freaked out by this?" Hermione asked.

"I've had a close call before," he admitted, with a downward smirk and leaned back against the bookshelf.

"But it wasn't positive," Hermione stated, feeling as wash of fear at the word. She looked down at her stomach again, and realized her hands were shaking. Behind the fear though, was fascination- there was life within her, new life, that she and Severus had created. That thought made her feel happy and she bit back a small smile.

Malfoy placed a hand on her stomach and said, "I wonder if it's a girl or a boy."

Hermione laughed, but it was a high-pitched, forced laugh, and it quickly turned into tears. Malfoy pulled her into a tight embrace, allowing her to bury her face into his shoulder.

Finally, when her tears slowed, she looked at Malfoy gratefully and whispered, "Thank you so much Malfoy."

Malfoy smiled and kissed her softly. Hermione felt immense gratitude towards Malfoy, and felt thankful to have his arms around her. Even if Severus had abandoned her, she still had this Slytherin boy to look after her, protect her.

"So, what are your plans?" Malfoy asked her softly.

"Plans?" Hermione repeated.

"Are you going to keep it?" he inquired.

"Yes, of course," Hermione said; the thought of abortion or letting it out for adoption both seemed painful to her. Of course, part of her was still entertaining the hope that she'd get back together with Severus. What if this repelled him even more? Unless it would attract him, but she wouldn't want to get into a relationship with him because he felt obligated to offer part of the responsibility for the child. She felt that she would be perfectly capable of handling a baby. It wouldn't be born until after she graduated anyway.

"You're an amazing girl," Malfoy whispered into her hear, kissing her neck slowly.

Hermione didn't feel nearly so confident, but she smiled at the compliment and moved her face towards his, letting her lips brush against his gently.

Hermione stole into the Gryffindor common room a few minutes later, slipping in as the Fat Lady swung shut behind her. The fire was low, making the room a rosy orange color. Hermione sighed and felt relaxed- and also suddenly very tired. She hurried up the stairs to the girl's dormitory, then quietly made her way into the bathroom.

The lamps in the bathroom were brighter than outside it, and so Hermione didn't notice the redheaded girl staring into the mirror until after a moment. When she did, she jumped and almost screamed, but managed to contain herself and stared at Ginny in surprise.

"What are you doing?" Ginny asked. She sounded wide awake.

"Why are you up?" Hermione retorted quickly, running a hand through her hair.

"My question first," Ginny answered, turning to lean against the sink.

"I was with Malfoy," Hermione replied as if it were perfectly normal to have such nocturnal visitations- she was too tired to try and make anything up.

"Hermione- you aren't wearing your socks, your hair is messed up, and it's _three in the morning_," Ginny accused.

Hermione's hand strayed to the socks shoved unceremoniously in her pocket, stared at Ginny blankly then said, "Ginny, I'm eighteen. I can have sex at three in the morning if I want to."

Ginny seemed shocked at this blatant admittance of it- she had clearly expected some wordy backwards answer that said nothing.

"Um…" she said, "With Malfoy? What about your paramour?"

"This has nothing to do with him," Hermione answered and then went into a toilet stall, hoping to end the conversation.

"But isn't he still around?" Ginny asked, undeterred. Hermione heard her move closer to her toilet stall and sighed.

"Ginny… can't I pee in peace?" Hermione inquired.

She heard Ginny sigh, then wonder softly, "Are you using him? Malfoy, I mean?"

"No," Hermione replied, coming back out of the stall, "It's a mutual non-committed relationship." She didn't look at Ginny as she moved over to the sinks to wash her hands.

Ginny stared at her, her eyes wider than before, if possible, and she asked incredulously, "So he's your _sex buddy?_"

Hermione accidentally splashed water on her sleeves and she shut off the taps quickly, turning to face Ginny in amazement, "Where did you come across that terminology?"

Ginny shrugged, then pointed out, "You didn't answer my question."

Hermione paused, then said, "Well, if you want to put it that way, I suppose he is. But come on, Ginny… you've had so many boyfriends. You're not an innocent schoolgirl either."

Ginny blushed, then retorted softly, "But it's _Malfoy_. And _casual sex_. That isn't you, Hermione!"

"Then what is me?" Hermione responded, her voice low and almost harsh. She wondered what Ginny would say if she knew she was pregnant too.

"Not… not that," was all Ginny could come up with.

"Why are _you_ up anyway?" Hermione inquired.

"I couldn't sleep," Ginny answered easily, then glanced down and admitted, "I don't really sleep much these days."

"Who does?" Hermione wondered, "Want to go sit by the fire?"

"Sure," Ginny agreed, and they made their way back down to the common room, moving quietly so as not to wake anyone else.

They sat on the sofa in front of the fire, feeling warm and comfortable in silence.

Hermione thought back on her last conversation with Snape, and wondered if he saw her as this girl who is _way_ younger than him, a little schoolgirl, as young, silly, Miss Granger.

She sighed and stretched her toes closer to the fire. Is that why he didn't like her anymore? Why he wouldn't ever like her anymore? Severus Snape never liked Hermione Granger- he only liked the person he knew as Madeline Saunders, and he got over loving her a long time ago- if he ever loved her at all.

_We were both so good with words_, Hermione thought sadly, _But we were so very bad at expressing _ourselves_. We never told each other we loved one another._

Hermione wondered again what he'd think about her pregnancy. She realized she didn't have to tell him. He could just think it was Malfoy's like everyone else. She looked down at her stomach. The baby growing in there was half hers, half Severus's. It made her love him even more.

"Do you think Harry's ever had sex?" Ginny wondered out loud.

Hermione looked over at her and raised an eyebrow, asking, "I take this to mean _you_ haven't had sex with him?"

Ginny blushed and shook her head, then said, "Well, _I've_ had sex… I mean… but not with Harry."

"Who would Harry have sex with?" Hermione wondered with a chuckle, "I never got to impression he and Cho Chang ever got very far."

"Good point," Ginny said with a grin, then said, "Can I ask a personal question?"

"What- you haven't already?" Hermione teased good naturedly. The fire was making her relaxed.

"Who did _you _first have sex with? It can't have been Malfoy- I can't imagine you just randomly getting into a sexual relationship with him without having already been in a relationship like that before…" Ginny said.

Now Hermione blushed and she said, staring into the fire, "Take a wild guess." She looked back over at Ginny and winked.

"Krum?" Ginny looked mildly repulsed, then her eyes lit up and she said brightly, "Your paramour, right?"

Ginny stared at Hermione intensely a bit after that, then observed, "You've changed, Hermione. Whatever happened, being in love… you're different."

"No, I'm just more open," Hermione replied with a smile, "I've always been like this…"

"What- sleeping around with Slytherins?" Ginny answered with a grin.

Hermione poked her and said, "You know what I mean!"

Then she smiled mischievously and said, "I did fantasize though."

"Ahh!" Ginny yelped, "My virgin ears!"

"Don't lie Ginny," Hermione reprimanded with a grin, "It ill becomes you!"

"Hermione Granger joking about sex ill becomes me!" Ginny replied, "You're like the impenetrable fortress of abstinence- the example for us all!"

"Oh, you're having fun," Hermione informed her friend, "You like seeing Missus Ice Queen turn out to be just another girl."

"You weren't an _ice queen_ exactly," Ginny said, sinking back against the sofa, "You were just... more interested in books than boys."

"Well… there _are_ a lot of books in the library," Hermione said, then added, "Covering _all_ subjects.. I know what's in those romance novels you read."

"Imagine the expression on Ron's face if he heard you say that," Ginny smirked, then added, "My mum would _kill_ us if she knew what her kids get up to!"

"I take it she hasn't been informed about your lack of virginity then?" Hermione prodded, "Or Fred and George's for that matter. Or _Ron's_. At least, I think." The expression on her face revealed that she didn't really want to know about Ron's sexual status.

"Guy's don't have a virginity to lose," Ginny replied.

"Well… relatively," Hermione said, "They have a first time, too."

"Your paramour must be someone amazing," Ginny commented a few minutes later, "For you to sleep with him."

Hermione stopped herself from snorting- she knew for a fact Ginny would _not_ find Snape 'amazing.' Ginny was probably imagining some handsome young professor type person who was smart and attractive, like a character in one of those romance novels.

Instead, Hermione only smiled wistfully and said, "Oh yes- he was quite amazing in bed."

Ginny chortled so much she had to muffle her laughs in a pillow, then said, when she was in control of herself, "Most of the boy's I've been with were a bit… immature. Didn't really know what to do with their hands."

"They should spend more time in the library," Hermione answered, then added, "My paramour knew what to do with his hands- he certainly wasn't a teenager."

"He didn't mind virgins?" Ginny asked with a teasing grin.

"I didn't tell him," Hermione answered wickedly.

"What- he couldn't tell?" Ginny responded.

"Well, he guessed," Hermione smiled, then said, "Actually I pretty much told him."

They fell silent after that and listened to the fire crackle and pop. Finally, Hermione asked softly, half to Ginny, half to no one, "How do you make someone fall in love with you?"

"Malfoy?" Ginny inquired, throwing Hermione a sharp glance.

Hermione tilted her head to meet Ginny's gaze, then said, "I want him to love me again."

"Love potion?" Ginny suggested with a smile, but at Hermione's expression quickly fell silent again, then offered, "If he loved you once he can love you again. Be the person he fell in love with."

There was another long silence.

"Ginny," Hermione said softly, her voice just above a whisper, "I'm pregnant."

Hermione realized her voice had cracked as she spoke and she looked away from Ginny, waiting for the other girl to speak.

"Are you sure?" Ginny asked after a moment, her voice serious now.

Hermione almost laughed- that was Malfoy's response too, and she said, "Yes. Yes, I'm sure."

"Suddenly the whole Hermione's had sex thing isn't as funny," Ginny commented.

"It's not about sex. I don't regret what I did at all," Hermione answered, cradling her arms around her stomach, "I wouldn't take back one moment I spent with him."

"I'm assuming the father isn't Malfoy, then?" Ginny inquired.

"You assume right," Hermione said, pulling her knees up to her chin.

"Oh Hermione…" Ginny whispered, then scooted over and threw her arms around Hermione.

**A/N: This chapter deals with a lot of issues that are controversial in today's society. We understand that it is out of character for Hermione to practice unsafe sex but we hope that in the flow of our story, it is understandable. We are not trying to recommend that teenagers use pregnancy as a method of reconciliation, or address the myriad of issues around teenage pregnancy. We believe that we have accurately represented what Hermione would do if she found herself pregnant, and are not saying anything about whether anyone else should choose to keep a baby, put it up for adoption, or get an abortion. Anyway, BE SAFE. And I hope you keep enjoying the story. :)**


	11. This Was a Beautiful World to Be Born In

**A/N: Sorry about the long wait between chapters! I was in South Africa for 6 weeks with limited internet access. Merry Christmas! (Or Merry pick your holiday!) Anyway, here's the next one.**

Hermione woke up curled up on the sofa in the Gryffindor common room with Ginny's feet pressing sharply into her back. The pale gray light of dawn was just barely streaming through the window. They must have only been asleep for three hours.

Hermione sat up a little bit and rubbed her eyes groggily, then stretched out her legs to give Ginny a shove. Ginny pulled her legs up, relieving the pressure on Hermione's back.

"What time is it?" came Ginny's muffled voice.

"Around six I think," Hermione said peering out at the misty sky.

"Ugh," Ginny moaned and stretched out her legs, shoving into Hermione again.

"And you hogged the entire sofa," Hermione complained stretching out as well, letting Ginny have the inside half of the sofa.

"Your feet smell," Ginny said wrinkling her nose.

"So do yours," Hermione retorted.

"Let's go eat breakfast," Ginny said sitting up.

"Coffee sounds good," Hermione replied, not sure if she felt hungry or not.

"Your hair is horrendous," Ginny commented. Hermione touched her head to feel the mass of frizz that was her hair.

"What are you two doing down here?" came Ron's voice from the top of the stairs that led to the boy's dormitory.

Hermione and Ginny froze and looked up in surprise. Harry was standing behind Ron holding his socks and trainers in one hand.

"Having sex," Ginny told them in an annoyed voice and yawned. Hermione put her face into a pillow to muffle her laughter.

"What?" Harry asked stepping forward a bemused expression on his face.

"Don't joke about that," Ron said, making a face.

Hermione snorted and, managing to control her face, "You mean sex, or lesbian sex?"

"Both!" Ron said with exasperation, coming all the way down the stairs.

Ginny giggled and swung her legs over Hermione's before standing up.

"You guys coming to breakfast?" Ginny asked.

"You're not seriously going like that?" Ron inquired looking Hermione and Ginny up and down.

Hermione glanced at herself, then Ginny, and made a face.

"I guess we'd better go tidy up," Hermione said.

"Yes," Ginny agreed.

Harry sat down in one of the poofy red chairs and began pulling on mismatched socks.

Up in the girls bathroom Hermione stripped her clothes and stepped into the shower, turning the heat up high enough to make her gasp when it first touched her skin. She let it pour down her back, enjoying the burning sensation. She then proceeded to scrub herself quite thoroughly, and it wasn't until nearly thirty minutes later that she was finished. Ginny was pulling her hair back, already in fresh robes, when Hermione stepped out.

"Took you long enough," Ginny said lightly.

Hermione shrugged and picked up her clothes, then headed into her own dormitory where she slipped into a pair of clean robes. Back in the bathroom she had Ginny braid her hair for her, then together they went back down in the common room.

OOO

"Class dismissed," Professor McGonagall's voice rang out sharply, jerking Hermione awake. The ink on her paper was smudged and she touched her cheek, hoping she hadn't gotten any on her face.

"Hurry up 'Mione," Harry said shoving his books into his bag.

Hermione sat up and rubbed her eyes then started collecting her papers. She must have fallen asleep. With a sigh she stowed her books into her bags, her grades were not as high as they normally were, despite her promise to not let a certain professor distract her from the other things that were important in her life.

"Miss Granger, if I may have a word?" Professor McGonagall asked as she sat down at her desk. Hermione paused in her hurried shoving of supplies into her bag and nearly dropped her quill, before nodding.

"You guys go ahead," she told Harry and Ron.

She finished getting her things together then walked up to the front of classroom.

"I'm so sorry for falling asleep," Hermione started, "I couldn't sleep last night, I know that's not an excuse but"-

"I'm not here to talk about your class work or grades Miss Granger," McGonagall informed her briskly, "Though not as extraordinarily high as they usually are they are still quite exemplary and I would not bother myself over them. Even with You-Know-Who defeated, there still aren't many who sleep very well."

"Oh," Hermione said, sitting down at a desk in the front row.

"I was once young and fell in love and all that fluff, though I had better sense in who to fall in love with," Professor McGonagall said with a stern look, "I suppose you could have done worse though."

Hermione felt at a loss for words. She certainly hadn't expected this from Professor McGonagall. It was strange to think that she was one of the only people who knew, aside from Severus himself. Not even Malfoy or Harry and Ron knew. She felt herself blushing and glanced down.

"How much did you know?" Hermione asked.

"I didn't _know_ anything," Professor McGonagall told stiffly, "But we were all aware that Professor Snape was up to something with the new young Madeline Saunders."

"You make it sound like I was bad news," Hermione retorted.

"Well, it was rather obvious that you were an outstanding and brilliant young girl," McGonagall said, "But we _were_ a little concerned about your liaison with Professor Snape."

Hermione blushed again and wondered why McGonagall wished to discuss all this.

"What was he like, when I left?" Hermione asked, deciding to take the opportunity to get as much information as she could.

"He- retreated," Professor McGonagall said, "At first there was some discussion on the possibility of abduction, but Professor Dumbledore said that he knew where you'd gone and that you probably wouldn't be coming back, and he couldn't give any details."

"Oh," Hermione said, she hadn't known that. She felt a wash of guilt; so in Severus's mind she really had abandoned him then.

"What should I do?" Hermione asked feeling that horrible pain that she'd been doing so well to ignore, start to rise up again, making her heart throb, making her achingly aware of the hole in her heart that Severus had filled.

"Do? You shouldn't _do_ anything," Professor McGonagall said sternly, "Hermione Granger is a student at Hogwarts, and is certainly not allowed to be in any sort of relationship with a Professor."

Hermione glanced down, feeling a bit mortified that Professor McGonagall was actually telling her this.

"You shouldn't have been in a relationship with him ten years ago either," McGonagall added on, "I must admit, I've been having a hard time putting your face on Madeline Saunders's. Saunders was startlingly mature for her age, and seemed much older than she was- than you are. I can't say that I would ever advise anyone to engage in a relationship with him, but she, you, worked well with Severus."

Hermione blushed again, and wondered again where this was going. She felt an odd bit of pride that McGonagall thought she was startlingly mature.

"The war has been hard on him, he's even more of a loner now," Professor McGonagall warned her, "He is a different man now than he was ten years ago. I advise you to forget him, find someone who's not half stone and not twice your age. Even Mr. Malfoy would be better."

Hermione snorted and then coughed, wondering briefly if the professor knew something, and glanced back up at Professor McGonagall.

"Thank you for your advice Professor McGonagall," Hermione said, "But I can take care of myself. I'm very well aware of Professor Snape's and my own situation."

"I'm advising you for your own good Hermione," Professor McGonagall said, "I can tell that it's troubling you. The other Professors have noticed as well. You're Head Girl for a reason, we all trust you. Take care of yourself"

"I- thank you," Hermione said, flushing, "I will."

"That's all I have to say, you may leave now," Professor McGonagall, "Unless there's anything else you'd like to ask?"

Hermione wondered briefly if she should tell Professor McGonagall that she was pregnant, but supposed that would rather counter all the advice she'd just been given. Everything in its own time.

Walking down the hallway the words, _I'm pregnant_, seemed to ring throughout her thoughts. It seemed almost crazy. _I'm going to be a mother_, she thought staring out at the warm sunlight of the late afternoon. Some of the trees were still holding onto their brightly colored leaves, but by now, the ground was mostly covered with the summer's growth. This was probably one of the last warm days they were going to have before winter truly set in. To her surprise, rather than feel panicky, she felt a mild joy and peacefulness spread throughout her body and she sighed softly. _I'm going to be a mother_, she thought again; and this was a beautiful world to be born into.

"So what was that about?" Harry inquired softly as she caught up to them in the hallway. They had a break between classes so they were heading to the Great Hall to do a little studying- maybe play some Wizard's Chess.

Hermione resisted blushing and said, "Class work. She'd didn't appreciate me falling asleep in class today."

"Why _did_ you stay up so late last night?" Ron wondered, slinging his bag down by a chair and plopping himself into it.

Hermione sat down beside him and said, "I couldn't sleep. Ginny couldn't either so we just went down to the common room and talked for a few hours."

It felt so unreal talking to them- lying to them about such small things about not sleeping and classes when the things that were really important were all being left unsaid. She had been thinking out love and pregnancy before- and now… Chess. It felt strange- almost laughable. Life was so surreal sometimes.

Draco Malfoy sauntered across the other end of the Great Hall, talking to a few Slytherins and laughing. She caught his eye from across the room and he winked at her before continuing on. Hermione had to hold back a smile and ask Ron to repeat the last question he'd asked her.

"Want to be black, or white?" he repeated, looking a mix between curious at her daydreamyness and annoyed at it.

"Black," she said, then moved around the table to sit across from him. Harry sighed as he pulled out a stack of textbooks and stared at them forlornly.

The minutes slid by as she played chess against Ron, feeling kind of in a dream like state- like instead of being _in_ the world, the world was just sliding past her like oily water. Swish.

Soon it was time to go to class again and then they were free in the afternoon. Hermione had finished all of her homework in class- though there were a few topics she still needed to review before _fully_ understanding _and_ comprehending them- but that could wait. But she had a date with Malfoy so she gave Harry and Ron some excuse, leaving them to make up troll names for History of Magic.

Malfoy was waiting for her down by the lake, a warm cloak wrapped around his shoulders. He looked fairly handsome, standing like that with the wind blowing back his hair and his robes. It would have been better if it was Severus.

He looked up as she approached, and a smile slid across his features. They were being a little more careless now- not so careful to make sure they met in places no one would see them. What did it matter, after all, if people knew they were going out? Hermione wondered if Severus would care if he knew. Would he be happy, that she was no longer pursuing him? She hoped not.

As she stepped up to Malfoy he leaned down to kiss her, but she looked down, and his lips met her forehead instead. She sighed, and leaned up against him and said, "My thoughts are too full of Se"- Hermione sighed again, and let Malfoy wrap his arms around her.

"How are classes?" Malfoy asked as they started to stroll around the lake, hand in hand.

"The usual," Hermione said, "Though McGonagall gave me a talk on the person I fell in love with back in time. I almost considered telling her that I'm pregnant."

"I think it's made you more beautiful," Malfoy commented offhandedly.

"How would you notice?" Hermione asked him reproachfully, "I'm only about a month in."

"You have this… glow… about you," he said with a shrug.

"That would be the sunlight," Hermione informed him- but a smile teased her lips anyway.

"Seriously," he said.

"Snape has been giving exorbitant amounts of homework- I think he's trying to make sure all of us are stuck in our dormitories constantly," Hermione said with a half sigh, half smile.

"Are you in love with Snape?" Malfoy asked very suddenly a moment later. He sounded half joking, half serious, and Hermione wasn't sure how to respond.

She stopped and stared at him, and he turned to face her. They eyed each other for a few moments- Hermione with a pounding heart- full of uncertainly, and Malfoy patiently waiting. After a few minutes Hermione realized her lack of a response had given it away. An amused grin was spreading across Malfoy's face.

"How the hell did _that_ happen?" he asked then said with a laugh, "Oh Gods- it's _Snape's_ kid you're pregnant with."

"It happened," Hermione said with a shrug, feeling torn between mortification, embarrassment and relief as she sat down heavily on the grass. Malfoy sat down beside her and took her hand- still chuckling.

"Snape," he echoed- and burst into a fresh round of chuckles.

"It's not _funny_," Hermione snapped at him and he stopped. Hermione brushed the few tears that were forming angrily away.

"Sorry," he said- and his voice told her that he was, "You really love him, then?"

"Well- I love the person he used to be," Hermione said, then shook her head, "No- I love him now too. Yes. I love him."

"Are you going to tell him?" Malfoy asked and glanced up at the castle as a few third years ran across the lawn, shouting.

"That I love him- or that I'm pregnant?" she asked.

"Both I guess," Malfoy answered, "He doesn't know you love him?"

"I'm not sure," Hermione said, thinking back of their last conversation and the last times she'd seen him in class. He still _acted_ the same, but she thought there was something… softer in his actions than there had before.

"We never told each other we loved one another back then," she said, "But I think we both did. I know I did anyway. And I hope he did."

Malfoy almost started to chuckle again but a quick glare from Hermione silenced him and he said, "You've talked to him?"

"A few times," she admitted, "They haven't gone well mostly- he seemed to have gotten the idea that I seduced him to make fun of him or something of the sort. I think that's been cleared up though…"

This time Malfoy couldn't hold in a laugh and he said after a chuckle, "_You?_ Seduce Snape to make fun of _him_? Wow… that's just great. That's something a _Slytherin _would do- not you though, never you. He must be delusional if he couldn't see that."

"Well it was ten years ago," she said, "For him, that is."

A quiet look came over Malfoy's face, and he was silent for a few minutes until he said, "It was, wasn't it? No wonder you're having trouble… The Snape we've known all our lives is the Snape _after_you fell in love with him- and after you left him."

"Don't rub it in," Hermione snapped, "Though I did manage to apologize to him- I never explained that I was from the future."

"You know what?" Malfoy asked, his eyes lighting up, "We should plot to get him to fall back in love with you!"

"Don't be ridiculous," Hermione said, "You can't _make_ someone fall in love with you. Besides- what do you _think_ I've been doing?"

Malfoy grinned and said, "You're a girl. Guys are better at plotting these sorts of things."

"Oh really?" Hermione arched an eyebrow at him, "Please, explain to me how this is possible."

"We plan things so carefully girls _think_ they're the ones doing the plotting," Malfoy informed her with a wink.

"Sure," Hermione said, then sighed and looked up at the sky, "He can't refuse me if I tell him I'm with his child."

"Uh… this is Snape we're talking about, Hermione," Malfoy pointed out, "If anything it'll make him want to be with you _less_."

"No… I don't think so," she shook her head softly, "But I wouldn't want him to feel obligated either way…"

"Well, I'll get thinking on it," Malfoy said and stood up, helping Hermione to her feet, "I suppose we couldn't slip the Potion's Master a love potion- he'd probably be able to detect it a kilometer away."

OOO

_Hermione apparated into Diagon Alley and a moment later heard the whoosh that signaled Snape had apparated behind her. She looked back at him and smiled, then quickly shoved the expression away as he gave her a curious look- as if to ask why the smile. She wasn't sure he knew the answer. She wasn't sure _she_ knew the answer._

_Feeling oddly uncomfortable she followed him into the Apothecary and distracted herself finding obscure ingredients that cost outrageous numbers of Galleons. Luckily Snape hadn't questioned who was buying ingredients because she certainly had no money- it wasn't as if she could go to her parents and tell her she became a witch in the future, had accidentally come back in time, and by the way can I please have some money? _

_About an hour later they emerged from the shop, smelling faintly of mushrooms and the insides of creatures that all by all means should _not_ have been cut into. _

_A loud shriek cut through the afternoon's stillness and three small children ran down the alley, each clutching a melting ice-cream cone in their grubby hands. The third- the smallest one's- top scoop suddenly splatted to the ground in a messy ice-cream blob. Hermione whisked out her wand and waved it- magicking the ice-cream back into its proper shape. A face half way to forming an expression of childish horrified despair, perked right back up. He couldn't have been more than four years old. As he bit into the top of his cone, smearing ice cream all over his face, he ran to catch up with his older siblings. _

_Snape materialized by her side and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "Little urchins." _

_Hermione looked up at him with a laugh and asked him incredulously, "Urchins?"_

_He stared at her- obviously he hadn't intended for her to hear that because, she noticed, he looked slightly pink as he said darkly, "Good thing Hogwarts only teaches them eleven and up. Though some of them certainly _act_ younger." _

_Hermione smiled at him and said, "Well, yes, but they are cute."_

**A/N: Thank you for reading; critiques/questions/comments**** always welcome!**


	12. Something That Was Lost

Hermione stood up from in the common room, about to go and meet with Malfoy again- or at least go find him. But then Harry stood up abruptly too and caught Hermione's arm. She looked at him, and was surprised to see an expression of annoyance and worry on his features.

"Hermione," he said, "Where do you keep going? You're being very withdrawn- we hardly see you anymore."

"I was just going to take a walk…" Hermione lied, but then Ron stood up as well.

"We'll come with you," he announced.

"Just abandon me," Ginny said, poking her nose up out of the book she was reading.

"You _want_ to be abandoned," Harry teased with a smile, "You wouldn't put that book down at _all_ at lunch."

Ginny shrugged and Hermione let Harry and Ron convince her into taking a walk with them. It was cold outside- and smelling of winter, but they walked anyway. Harry started going on about Quidditch practice- Hufflepuff was using the pitch right then and they could make out yellow blurs zooming around above the stands.

Hermione kept glancing over at him- suddenly noticing that he'd changed. When she'd gotten pulled back in time he'd been down and depressed and now… he was happier. What had changed? Ron kept interjecting what Harry said, and Hermione was content just to walk alongside and listen.

"Harry," she finally said, unable to keep her thoughts in, "How are you and Ginny doing?"

Harry stopped in his description of this particular Quidditch maneuver he'd been planning on trying and glanced over at Hermione, a questioning expression on his face before he answered, "Fine."

"I don't mean to pry but… what changed?" she asked.

Ron smirked and said, "_Now_ she notices. Suddenly she remembers her friends have lives too."

Hermione glared at him as Harry replied, "I guess it's you, really… Ron and I have been worrying about you- Ginny too. I guess I kind of stopped thinking about myself. How are _you_ doing, Hermione?"

"Better," she said, "I'm getting used to things again."

"Then why do you keep slipping off?" Ron inquired, "Where are you going?"

"Just to be by myself," Hermione lied- she wasn't ready to tell them about Malfoy. She wasn't sure they were ready either, "I need that alone time. I've been thinking of ways to try and contact the person I fell in love with."

Harry and Ron both perked up at that, giving her inquiring looks, so she elaborated, "There was some misunderstanding about how I left him- and I don't think he loves me anymore. I've been plotting on getting him to fall in love with me again."

"Ah," Ron said.

"Good," Harry said with a nod, "So you going to tell us who he is? Or you could just borrow Pig."

"No…" Hermione shook her head, smiling at their expressions of dismay, "I don't think it's quite time yet."

"What does _that_ mean?" Ron asked, "Come on… we're _dying_ of curiosity. We _know_ you've told Ginny more- she keeps calling him your parasol or something. Why can't you tell us?"  
"If you're dying you should see Madame Pomfrey," Hermione said politely, "I'm sure she has a good potion for depleting curiosity."

Ron glowered at her. Hermione kept walking.

OOO

"I don't know what to say," Hermione said, her quill poised over a piece of parchment. She was frowning. Malfoy hovered nearby, hands clasped behind his back.

"Just speak from your heart," he suggested, "You know… all that stuff."

Hermione chuckled and said, "I don't know how to _start_ it though."

"Say this," Malfoy said thoughtfully, "Severus"- (he chuckled again), "I know you may not receive this letter with the lightest of hearts but I need to tell you this and I'm not sure I could manage it all in person."

"Wow," Hermione said, scribbling it down, "That's good."

"Thank you," Malfoy said with a smirk, "One must know how to be eloquent with the ladies."  
"Severus isn't a lady," Hermione pointed out sourly.

"It's all the same," Malfoy answered airily, "Love is the same from either gender."

Hermione paused as she finished copying what Malfoy had said, then added, _I love you. I loved you as Madeline Saunders and I love you still- even ten years older. I don't know if you ever loved me- maybe I was delusional, but I like to think I wasn't- that I didn't imagine what we had. I wish I could have been here with you these ten years, through the war. I know you've changed, but I don't care. I love you still. No matter what has happened. I'm not asking you to love me again, I just wanted you to know that I never deceived you of my heart. _

_ Sincerely,_

_ Hermione Granger_

"That's good," Malfoy said, reading over her shoulder, "That's very good. If that doesn't make him fall in love with you again I don't know what will."

"That's not the point," Hermione said to him, "Did you even read it? I meant all that."

"You want him to love you though," he said.

"Yes," Hermione said, "But I don't want to force him to love me. I just… want him to know that he _can_ love me again, if he wants to."

"It's good," Malfoy asserted once more, and leaned over her to pick up the piece of parchment and fold it up, "Let's take this to the Owlery."

OOO

Writing wasn't all she and Malfoy had been up to. She was pulling more subtle actions- catching his eye whenever she could, doing her best in potions, writing her reports with intricate, perfectionist style- choosing each word carefully. She wrote them in an almost bantering style- challenging him to challenge her, as he had Madeline Saunders. She didn't want to annoy him, or try and push him, she just want to… make him remember. Make him interested- not deterred. The essays only ever had O+'s on them- and no comments, but Hermione had the feeling he was listening. Purposely getting detentions had probably seemed childish and immature to him- though it had been needed then. Conversing with Malfoy she had devised this much better plan. She researched the topics they covered heavily, and forced him to really delve into the material. She watched him carefully to make sure it wasn't too much- but she thought he was enjoying it- he didn't seem to be bothered by it certainly. Her questions were meant to provoke thought. She wouldn't allow him to mindlessly teach the classes- it had the side effect of making everyone else happier too, as he only just barely had time to explain what he was teaching.

However… it had an adverse affect too- of taking more time away from her friends. They noticed it too. Harry and Ron thought she was just burying herself in her work, and felt it was probably more a good thing than a bad thing. Ginny however…

"What is this?" Ginny asked, pulling the parchment out from under Hermione's quill and reading what she had written, "I don't think Snape was looking for something so in depth… You're writing this like a apothecaric debate paper. I think he wanted a summary- not a dissection of all the newest theories… I didn't know you were so passionate about Potions!"

"He's better at teaching Potions than he was at Defense Against the Dark Arts," Hermione answered, pulling the parchment back to her.

Ginny stared at her, puzzled, then said, "That wasn't what I was talking about… Besides- no one wanted to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts after… everything. I'm not surprised he went back to Potions."

"Well, I'm done anyway," Hermione said briskly and rolled up her parchment to thrust it into her bag.

"Did you tell Malfoy who your paramour is?" Ginny asked quietly, sitting down at the table beside Hermione, "Because I can tell you two have been plotting. Harry and Ron said you were writing to him. Why won't you tell them?"

"Which would you like me to answer?" Hermione asked with a slight smile.

"Both," Ginny said quickly.

"Well… I did tell Malfoy"-

"What? And you can't tell us?" Ginny said loudly, then glanced around as a few people shot stares over at them.

"It's… complicated," Hermione said with a sigh.

"So you've said," Ginny said, "But a name isn't that complicated. A _who_, a face… that isn't complicated."  
"It really is," Hermione informed her friend.

"Why can Malfoy know?" Ginny pressed.

"He's… more open to understanding"-

"Don't bullshit me," Ginny snapped in, "Malfoy? More open? That's not why. What- did you fall in love with a Death Eater?"

Hermione just leveled a dark stare at Ginny- Severus had, of course, been a Death Eater, but admitting that would give too much away.

Ginny shrugged, giving in and said, "Okay… well at least tell me _why_ Malfoy can know."

"That would pretty much involve telling you who it was…" Hermione sighed.

"What- it's someone we know already? Is he at the school? You said he wasn't here! Is he _still _a Professor?"

Ginny looked delighted at this idea so Hermione gave her another glare- but Ginny kept going.

"No no"- she said eagerly, "Someone whom Malfoy would understand in romance, but we wouldn't… Ugh- some older Slytherin whom we've heard about from our older siblings but don't actually know?"

Hermione was becoming vastly disturbed at how close her guesses were coming- Death Eater, Professor, Older Slytherin… If she put all those guesses together she could only come up with one answer.

"So are you going to keep guessing, or do you want me to actually tell you?" Hermione teased, "I could let you go all day, you know."  
"No, no," Ginny said quickly, "By all means, just tell me."

"I think I won't, actually," Hermione said lightly, leaning backing her chair, then she reached down to pull her Arithmancy book out of her bag and started flipping through the pages.

"Just tell me," Ginny said, her face turning serious, "Please."

Hermione looked over at her, considering it for the first time. Ginny didn't have _quite_ the experiences with Snape that Harry and Ron had- no lasting family grudges anyway. The Malfoys were the ones the Weasleys had a family grudge with, and Ginny accepted her relationship with Malfoy all right. Then again, Malfoy was much more likable than Snape on general principle…

"I'm not sure you'll believe me…" Hermione started.

"Then it is someone we know?" Ginny leapt on this bit of information like a cat on a mouse, but then became serious again at the expression on Hermione's face.

"Whoever it is, I know you love him," Ginny said, "So I already have points in his favor. You can tell me Hermione- I can keep your secret, if you still wish it so. And I'll take you seriously about him. And trust your opinions about him."

"I'm really not sure you'll agree with yourself if you knew," Hermione said slowly, still rolling it over in her head.

"Try me," Ginny said.

"You know- that's always what people say in books right when the thing they're told they really don't agree on and then they go back on all they've said, saying, 'Well if I knew _that's_ what you meant…' and so on," Hermione pointed out.

Ginny frowned.

"Think of all the possible people it could be- everyone," Hermione said, "Every male above the age of thirty that you know- _every single one_. Now tell me- if I told you I was in love with _any one_ of them, _any_, would you accept me on that? Even if it was someone who'd make you _want_ to totally reverse your opinions."

Ginny sat still for a long time, thinking and then she finally said, "The fact that you're making me consider this makes me think it probably is one of those people I'd go back on my word about. And that makes me think maybe I'll be wrong about those people- maybe it's okay about those people, because I trust you… It makes me prepared to accept whoever it is… and also makes me wonder if I really wanted to be joking about you having sex with them…"

Hermione grinned, then laughed and, running a hand through her hair said, "Well yes… it'll probably be like that."

"So," Ginny said, with a slight smile, "Who is it?"

Hermione took a deep breath, then realized she just couldn't force herself to say it and frowned down at the table. Ginny poked her a moment later and Hermione looked up at her.

"Who's the last person on your list?" she asked.

"Well… it can't be You-Know-Who since he's dead and that WOULD be one person I couldn't accept…"

"Well at least you really did think of all the males above age thirty," Hermione said, not sure whether to be amused, disgusted, or disturbed.

"Right below him were people like Lucius Malfoy- but he's married and you're going out with his son- though I wasn't sure if that was a plus or a minus to the likelihood of it being him," Ginny shuddered then said, "It's not him- is it?"

"No," Hermione said with a small laugh, "Though if you were considering him you shouldn't have too much problem with who it really is."

"Well… since I'm guessing…" Ginny said, "I'll skip around. The person is alive, as we've determined. You've been communicating with him, so he's near- I _think_ you said he used to be a Professor before, so he still might be… so to get him out of the way and ease my worried soul, Snape?"

Hermione winced at Ginny and dropped her head into her hands.

"EWWW!" Ginny exclaimed loudly, jumping out up out of her seat, "Seriously? Seriously Hermione? I mean, really, really seriously?"

Hermione glared at the people who were giving them looks again and then nodded with a desperate sort of a sigh, and leaned backwards in her chair, still wincing at Ginny's expression.

"Oh… oh, uh… oh wow," Ginny said sounding amazed and distraught at the same time, then she shuddered, "Ugh, now I'm imagining him and you having sex. Why didn't I listen to you? I didn't want to know this!"

Hermione gave Ginny a look, and then the younger girl burst out laughing. She dropped into her chair and clutched her sides as she heaved in gasps of breath to exclaim her laughter. When she stopped, wiping away a few tears, she said, "No _wonder_ you didn't want to tell us… Complicated my ass. EWW. Shit Hermione… why did you fall in love with _him_? Why not the younger version of Sirius or Lupin or something fun like that?"

"Hey! Lupin?" Hermione raised an eyebrow, "Sirius?"

"It was a thought," Ginny shrugged, then shuddered again, "Seriously? Snape?"

"Shh," Hermione reprimanded, "It's still a secret."

"I should say so," Ginny agreed, then horror settled over her features and she hissed softly to Hermione, leaning across the table, "You're pregnant with _Snape's_ baby?"

"Well- yes," Hermione admitted, "He is my 'paramour' as you so put it."

"That word doesn't seem to fit so well anymore," Ginny said with a wince.

Hermione only smiled.

OOO

Hermione watched the students ahead of her placing their essays on Severus's desk as they filed out, clutching her own and knowing full well it was an extra three feet longer than he had asked for. And knowing it included far more information than he had probably even thought about. She hoped he'd enjoy reading it. She hoped he'd give her a sign to let her know if he was acknowledging her extra effort.

"Miss Granger," Severus said without looking at her as she set the rolled up parchment on his desk- noticeably larger than the other essays.

She glanced up at him as he continued, "I require a word with you- if you could stay for a few minutes."

Hermione's heart leapt as she stepped aside, Harry and Ron giving her curious/sympathetic glances as they added their essays to the growing stack. How little they knew. She was trying to keep a smile from her face- it might be nothing. But it could be something. She hoped fervently, passionately, that it was.

When the last student had left Severus stood up and closed the door- another thing that made her heart speed up even more. He paused after that, then looked over at her. His expression seemed hesitant for a moment, but it disappeared so fast Hermione wondered if she imagined it, and back was his usual cool aloof expression.

"I know what you're trying to do and I'm asking you to stop," he said, his voice level and his eyes meeting her gaze squarely, "You're overworking yourself, stressing yourself, and making this harder on yourself than you need to."

Hermione paused before answering, her thoughts getting tangled in his words, heady words coming from him- words that implied more…

"I am Hermione Granger. But a month ago I was Madeline Saunders. We are the same person. I'm trying to get you to realize that."

Now it was Severus's turn to pause, and he glanced at the air above her head, a sigh slowly leaving his body. Hermione ached to go over to him, touch him, tell him not to sigh in such a depressing manner because it just made her want to hold him… She sighed.

"You're trying to revive something that was lost under unfortunate circumstances many years ago," Severus said rather severely, though Hermione had the feeling the severity in his voice was covering up something else. Or maybe that was just her wishful thinking.

"Is it working?" she retorted with a teasing smile, not caring if that annoyed him but wanting to say it anyway.

Severus was delightfully silent- Hermione guessed she probably caught him unaware- their previous conversations had been relatively serious. If you could call yelling at each other serious.

Finally he heaved another sigh and looked even farther above her head, a sure sign of uneasiness, then said, "I am old enough to be your father- I'm your Professor… do you really think anything can come of this?"

By the end of his speaking his eyes were back on hers again, intense and frustratingly unreadable, though Hermione decided to read into it anyway. She hoped it meant what a few weeks ago she thought was impossible.

"Do you really think I'm so young and immature to not have considered that? I considered that all a long time ago- ten years for you, I suppose, a number of months for me. Let me assure you, I considered it long and hard- I mean you were _Snape_… Even if it was past for you, I fell in love with you _after_ I had you for a teacher for six years," Hermione said to him, feeling a moment's vulnerability at being so blatant about her emotions, and taking a step closer to him, "I made my decision then."

She paused, and in his silence, as he mulled over her words, she asked, quietly, "Did you love me?"

"It was ten years ago, Hermione…" Severus said offhandedly- Hermione could really see what that had to do with anything, but a smile crept over her face as he said her name, her _real_ name, for the first time. She could tell it felt awkward in his mouth. She wanted to kiss him.

"You'd remember if you were. I thought you did," Hermione said, a suddenly bit of fear leaping up in her chest- what if he _hadn't_ loved her? The thought was as incomprehensible to her as life itself.

Severus's eyes slid away from hers again. Their entire conversation he had stood immobile except for his eyes, but now he turned and walked behind his desk, his hands clasped behind his back. There he stopped, and reached out one hand to run it along the edge of the desk, his fingers lightly brushing the wood. It was a gesture of unease.

"You may leave now," he said softly, omitting the 'Miss Granger'- but those unspoken words hung between them anyway, and the few minutes of verbal intimacy between them was gone. Back was the barrier.

A sigh slipped from Hermione, and she nodded, then turned, and without another word, left his dungeon classroom, her mind whirling with the conversation she left behind. She wasn't sure whether or not to laugh with joy or sob with sorrow.

_Hermione found herself, quite suddenly, thinking ferociously about a topic she'd never really thought much about. It was just…eventual… in her mind. Like marriage and falling in love. It would happen someday. Just happen- like rain or something stupid like that. What Severus had said to her after she'd seen his Dark Mark, about having 'practical reasons' for doing so… She wasn't so naïve as to not know what he was talking about. And she realized that she was actually quite interested in pursuing that particular advancement of their relationship. Which then brought in an onslaught of worries and thoughts about just _how_ exactly one went about expressing that one wanted to have sex anyway and something slightly more important- anti-pregnancy spells. And then all the small details… being naked in front of someone for one- which then made her think about the fact that she was thinking about having sex with Severus Snape. SEX with SNAPE for Heaven's Sakes. It made her want to laugh hysterically for an hour or so. _

_Which basically explained why she was in the Library late at night going through medical books and hoping no one would catch her there. It made her feel so… furtive.. .sneaky. It made her feel sort of scared and excited at the same time and also sort of incredulous- she had really never imagined herself doing this, thinking these thoughts, and it was, in an odd sort of way, exhilarating. Severus made her realize exactly _why_ so many of her year mates _were_ sneaking off into closets and who knows where else… Though somehow the idea of her sleeping with Severus didn't strike her as immature and silly as what her year mates were doing. She supposed, rather critically, that _they_ all thought the exact same thing… _

"_What were your previous relationships like?" Hermione asked, then blushed and said, "I know that's a stupid question but… "_

_Snape peered at her from across the table at the Three Broomsticks, taking in her question in a serious manner, rolling it over in his mind, prodding it like an unknown specimen. _

"_Learning experiences," he finally answered, his voice almost a drawl, "They were either pseudo gothic types that seemed to think I was a Byronic Hero or bookish witches that most would probably consider unattractive and usually ended up hating me."_

_Hermione wondered if she was a bookish witch that most would consider unattractive and then wondered if she'd end up hating him- but then she realized she _started_ out hating him so she could hardly revert to that after getting over it._

"_Not that you fit into either of those two categories," Severus said a moment later, his eyes meeting hers as if he could tell what she was thinking, "Bookish perhaps but if I'm the only one who can see you're attractive then the world's gone mad. And if you don't hate me by now I don't see how you could end up hating me."_

_Hermione thought she detected almost a question in his last statement- a 'I haven't done anything to displease you, have I?' kind of question. She leaned across the table- across their drinks and food, and kissed him, just a small kiss, quick, before sitting back down, but it was enough. She could see it in his eyes. _

_They were both silent for a bit there, and Hermione, feeling a prickly sort of warmth all over at what he'd said about her- about her being attractive, could see he was thinking about something. She didn't ask him, just sat and watched him think, just enjoying his visual presence. _

"_I was in love once… before," he said and Hermione just raised an eyebrow at him, asking him to go on. His words made her curious not just from a Madeline point of view but also from a Hermione point of view- she had trouble imagining Snape in a serious romantic relationship before herself. Then again he hadn't said relationship. Just love._

"_While I was at Hogwarts," Severus started slowly, "She- like you- didn't fit into the former or latter categories- but back then there weren't any categories… I suppose it may sound silly but she was in my year- as well as that… James Potter. She ended up marrying him, of course… I met her before we went to Hogwarts, we were friends, but then... The differences between Slytherins and Gryffindors came between us. When I was at Hogwarts I was a bit of an outcast, even among Slytherins; I became obsessed with the Dark Arts… She kept giving me second chances, but I never took them."_

_He glanced up at her at this, to read her expression- and whatever he saw there caused him to add on, "I certainly am not in love with her now… but some part of me always will be."_

_Hermione looked at him, opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. Some part of her- the part that still expected to get home, was saying 'Lily? Snape was in love with LILY? As in Harry's MOTHER Lily?' and another part was saying, 'I suppose that's not so crazy…' and another was saying, 'I can't believe I'm even considering feeling jealous about my best friend's mother.' _

_Hermione realized she was going to have to say something, lest he think her silence meant she was put off by his last comment, while the truth was that she was surprised at the identity of this other woman he loved. She didn't think it bothered her, but maybe that was just because was naïve or something. _

"_I dated one guy in my fourth year of school," Hermione said thoughtfully a bit later, changing the subject, "He was from Durmstrang, a Quidditch player, four years older than me, very popular. I thought it was silly, all the girls chasing after him- then he started following me around in the library… and I'd get annoyed because his fan group would trail along behind," Hermione gave a slight chuckle at that, "He was fun, but that was about it."_

_She looked up at Severus and said with a smile, "A learning experience." And she winked._


	13. The Last of Her Tears

"_Would you care to come in?" Hermione asked as they stood before the doorway to her rooms later that evening, trying to sound casual, "Just for a moment I mean… I could get you some tea?"_

_Severus inclined his head, indicating agreement and she held the door open for him, then shut it behind him, feeling surprised to find herself slightly shivery- nervous shivery. She stared at him for a moment, standing in the partial darkness of her unlit rooms, wearing the same sort of robes he wore as a Professor, the ones that sort of billowed around him when he moved, making 'swoop' a fitting adjective to describe his movements. _

"_Would you like anything to drink"- Hermione started to ask, but Severus chose that moment to step over and kiss her, gently at first, but then his arms slid around her waist and the kiss became a little more passionate. _

_His lips pressed a little harder against her own and her heart started to pound and she felt all of a sudden a little… light headed. His tongue gently probed against her lips and she parted them slightly, meeting his tongue with her own and then her mind decided that she really couldn't go this far without going farther and she pressed herself harder against him, her hands pressing into the small of his back. _

_They both seemed to reach the same thought at the same time, for when they broke apart momentarily and Hermione said, "I haven't"- he said at the same time, his voice sounding breathy, "Do you"-_

_They paused and stared at each other in the faint light, then a grin slipped across her face and a twin to hers appeared on Severus's. She felt sort of weak in the limbs as they paused, half in her living room and half in her bedroom, the faint light illuminating both of their faces just enough that they could read each other's expressions. _

"_Um…" Hermione started to say, then added quietly, shyly, "I've never done this before," then added, surprised at her own boldness, "But I'd very much like to end that. Right now." _

"_I won't object," Severus replied, his voice also quiet and uncharacteristically terse, "However I have to ask as if you know about the available protection charms- against pregnancy...?"_

_Hermione blushed in the darkness, then nodded, then wondered if he could tell she nodded and said softly, her voice almost teasing, "Are you doubting that I haven't fully researched all of this beforehand…?"_

"_I make no dangerous assumptions," Severus said, then leaned close to her so that his breath tickled her ear and neck just enough to _not_ tickle her, and just enough to send shivers down her spine and added, "But now that's out of the way…"_

_His hands slid up to undo the clasp of her robes and then reached inside her undershirt to touch one breast with a hand while his other hand slid around to stroke the bare skin of her back, edging the waist of her skirt. His hands were cool against the heat of her skin and she pushed herself closer to him. In a surprisingly short amount of time they'd both managed to awkwardly remove, with a few giggles on her part, almost all of their articles of clothing. Hermione found herself falling backwards onto the bed and pulling Severus down with her. _

_She hadn't known what to expect of herself in seeing Severus unrobed. She'd known that he would probably have the pale- not Krum-like body of an older man, but was surprised that she found she appreciated how human he was. No- he didn't have a six pack or tight tan skin or bulgy muscles, but she never really found that attractive anyway. _

_She noticed Snape's eyes were equally engaged in gazing at her as much as she was staring at him and felt a fresh wave of desire wash across her body._

"_You're absolutely beautiful," he whispered kissing her.. The air in the room felt cool against her exposed body and she shivered- half from the chill and half from the sensations running up and down her body. It was good. It felt… delicious. _

_He paused in their kiss they discarded their last bits of clothing and moved small kisses down her neck, breasts, stomach… eliciting a quick intake of breath on Hermione's part. _

"_Just relax," he whispered coming back up to kiss her mouth again and causing a small moan to escape from her lips… _

Making love to Severus wasn't 'amazing' as she had to said to Ginny specifically because of any experience she implied he had- but instead because they loved each other, because it was such an intimate sharing between them.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Malfoy's quiet voice asked from behind her. He wrapped his arms around her, his hands resting lightly on her slightly rounded stomach.

Hermione took her gaze away from the lake and turned around, the thin layer of snow on the ground crunching beneath her feet.

"One guess," she replied with a smile.

"A certain potions master hm?" he asked with a laugh. Hermione blushed slightly and glanced down at the ground.

"I think we have a chance," she told him, repeating to Malfoy the conversation she had with Snape the previous day.

"Wow," was Malfoy's only reply.

"I think his only inhibitions are the fact that it was ten years ago, he's starting to actually see me now, less as Miss Granger, and more as Madeline Saunders now named Hermione," she said, "If that makes any sense."

"Sort of," Malfoy said with a smile then glanced down at her belly, "That kid is gonna be a freakin' genius with no sense of fun at all."

"I'm glad to have you here with me as a friend," Hermione said putting a hand on her stomach. There was life in there, new life. Crazy.

"So we're just friends now?" he asked, sounding almost wistful, before adding with a teasing smile, "No more benefits?"

"No," Hermione replied smiling back at him, "I can't, with Severus…"

"I understand," Malfoy said, "As soon as you told me about him, I knew what we had wasn't going to last much longer. It's okay."

Hermione smiled gratefully at him and stepped forward to hug him tightly.

"Does he know, about the kid yet?" Malfoy asked softly.

"No," Hermione whispered, "I want to know if he loves me first. To avoid feelings of obligation on his part."

"You seem happy today," Ron commented as Hermione stepped into the common room.

"I'm feeling optimistic," she told him brightly.

"That's- good," Ron said with a curious grin.

"Do you and Harry want to go to Hogsmeade for a drink or something?" Hermione asked, wanting to make a point about spending time with them.

"Sure, yeah," Ron said standing up, shoving his books aside, "Dunno where Harry is though. What did Snape want?"

"Oh, just to tell me to stop being an over-achiever," Hermione said with a smirk, "But not in those words of course."

There was a loud snort from somewhere in the common room and Hermione turned around to see Ginny carefully writing an essay. Hermione gave her a brief glare, one which Ginny pointedly ignored, before following Ron out of the common room.

They found Harry on the Quidditch pitch, a regular haunt for him. As they approached he flew down, looking exhilarated, and waved a piece of paper in their faces.

"I've been signed onto a Quidditch team!" he told them breathlessly, "The Montrose Magpies!"

"Really? Wow, they're really good," Ron exclaimed, "That why you've been out here so much?"

Harry nodded and Hermione suddenly threw her arms around him.

"Congratulations Harry, I'm proud of you!" she whispered. She stepped back but left her hands on his shoulders and studied his eyes, trying to sense his emotions. There was no trace of the emptiness that had been in his eyes earlier this year. She saw only life; it made her smile. It almost felt like old times.

She paused, then asked, "Didn't you want to be an Auror?"

Harry shook his head, then shoved the hair from his eyes, "No- I just want to have a normal life. Changing my career choice is one of the things that brought me back- but you've been busy with your own problems…" His voice was slightly accusing- though his eyes apologizes silently to her for it.

"I'm sorry, Harry," she said in answer. There was a brief, almost awkward silence until-

"They've won the British and Irish League thirty-two times," Ron interjected, his face a mask of awe.

"How're you doing Hermione?" Harry asked as they walked towards the changing rooms.

"Much better actually," she told him with a smile, "You see, the person I fell in love with, he's still around. And I've sort of been trying to win his heart back. And I think I have a chance."

Harry and Ron traded glances, then Ron asked, "Are you sure that's the best idea? I mean, it's been ten years right? Aren't you sort of setting yourself up to be hurt more?"

"No, no," Hermione shook her head, "I really think I have a good chance. All I need is time."

"So, you going to tell us who he is?" Ron inquired.

Hermione made a face and glanced down, "Sorry, not until I know for sure what's going on between us. I don't want you two involved."

"But we _want_ to be involved," Harry protested, "We can help you. We're your friends Hermione. You can trust us."

"Well, I'm no longer sleeping with Malfoy," Hermione admitted brightly, "If that makes you feel any better."

"What? No longer?" Ron asked horrified. They stopped walking. Hermione faced the two of them and their shocked faces.

"You were er- seeing Malfoy?" Harry asked looking a little hurt.

"Yes, I was," Hermione told them, "But I'm telling you now. I suppose he was a bit of a rebound."

Harry raised an eyebrow, "Why _Malfoy_?"

"Because he liked me," Hermione told them with a shrug, "He's been changed by the war too you know. I think you might actually like him too now."

"Weird, of the three of us, you're the one who ended up, well, having sex first," Ron commented, "And you're the most rule abiding."

"There's no rules against having sex," Hermione pointed out, "And Malfoy wasn't my first."

"Krum?" Harry asked aghast.

"Don't be daft," Hermione scolded, "Haven't I been telling you about this person I fell in love with?"

"Oh," Harry said, "Well, you haven't really told us much about him."

"Except that he exists," Ron added. Hermione shrugged not wanting to feel guilty about withholding so much from them. They'd know everything eventually; she was sure of that.

Harry went inside the pitch lockers to change, leaving Hermione and Ron to wait outside, alone. They were quiet for a bit, each lost in thought about the way life changed.

"Me and you, there was almost something there," Ron said, his voice holding an odd note.

"Yeah," Hermione agreed, "But after the war…"

"Our sixth year was pretty bad," Ron acknowledged, his ears turning faintly red.

Hermione chuckled, "We were rather stupid. All that running around… we should have just admitted our feelings to each other."

Ron grinned, "And what if we had? I think it's better, this way we never had a chance to break up."

"I don't think it would have worked anyway, we're too close as friends," Hermione said.

"So you won't go out with me, but you will with Malfoy?" Ron teased, "Some 'friend' you are."

Hermione gave him a light shove and grinned, "Why don't _you_ go out with Malfoy then?"

Ron looked embarrassed and coughed, "Oh sure. Yeah, since he's such a perfect example of my type."

Hermione only laughed. Harry came out a few minutes later and the three of them started down the path to Hogsmeade.

OOO

To Hermione's surprise, one morning at breakfast one of the school owl's dropped a letter on her plate. The scrawled "Hermione Granger" on the envelope was heart wrenchingly familiar. She glanced furtively over at Harry, Ron, and Ginny to see if they noticed but Harry was looking vacantly sleepy and Ron was arguing with Ginny about something or other. She wondered if she dared open it here, then decided she didn't really feel like sneaking off anyway.

She pulled it open- but found the contents at once disappointingly impersonal and yet carrying heavy implications, for the letter spoke of the time travel potion that sent Hermione back in time. And it included an invitation to discuss it later that evening. After rereading it, she folded it back up and slipped it in her pocket, her mind whirling.

Hermione slipped into Severus's dungeon classroom a little after seven, curious and apprehensive at the same time. Severus was standing at his desk, leaning over a book, and he looked up when she came in.

"Your… reappearance has sparked my interest in what you were studying- as Madeline Saunders," he said simply, "I think I may have stumbled upon some answers. Assuming, of course, you are interested at pursuing those answers now that your life no longer depends upon it quite so much?"

Hermione stared at him, not quite sure what to make of his words. They were fairly straight forward- mystifyingly straightforward, in fact.

"Of course," she answered a moment later, "Of course I'm still interested." In which she meant, of course, that she was still interested in working with _him_.

He looked back at the book, and Hermione edged over to peer at it while standing beside him, close enough that they just barely weren't touching. It was a book she'd glanced through several times while in the past, but never thoroughly. Her eyes lit up as she read over it, and then glanced up at Severus. He was smirking.

"Now, of course," he said, "We know what spell was used- though it was never intended for physical time travel. _There_ is an interesting little quirk that we should be able to make quite a lot of. Time travel of the sort that you did is not common."

Severus explained several possibilities he'd come up with while just musing about it and the things they'd researched ten years ago. He didn't have any of their notes on it- and refused to explain exactly what had happened to them. Hermione had a sneaking suspicion he'd done something like burn them.

"Well," he said after a while, sitting back down into his desk chair, "I certainly never intend to let anything like _that_ happen again…"

"What- a student getting sent back in time for a year while only fifteen minutes pass in her own time?" Hermione asked, leaning back against his desk, facing him.

"Something like that," he answered vaguely, waving his hand.

Hermione gazed at him, thinking about how natural it felt to be here, with him, again, discussing time travel and what not. Even with all the tension that should have been between them it was still… right. Hermione had the strong conviction that this was where she was meant to be.

His eyes looked up, and caught hers, and suddenly, before she could fully think about what she was doing, she leaned over and kissed him, briefly, on the mouth, then pulled back and looked away, blushing.

"Sorry," she said quietly, "I know"-

"Please don't"- Severus started, then hesitated before continuing, his voice low, "Madeline was not my student. You are, Hermione. You might want to remember that."

"Mm… yes," Hermione said, risking a glance at him, but he was looking away, "And if I wasn't your student?"

Severus was a long time in answering that, and what he finally said was, "I… loved Madeline. You, as I now know. But it was nine years ago. Nine very long years. I quite understand that is most definitely _not_ how it has been for you…"

He paused here, thinking.

"If you need time, I can wait," Hermione said quickly, in that pause, "I'm only going to be your student for another seven months or so."

Severus said something that sounded like a mix between, "Ah," and "Hmm," then stood up and started talking about time travel. Hermione was almost tempted to bring it back to the previous conversation, but she let it slid, unable to keep a smile from ghosting her lips- he _had_ loved her. Maybe he wouldn't love her again, but at least he had, and he had said it to her. That was enough for now. _Quite_ enough.

An hour slid by before Hermione had realized it, and it was getting late. She paused in their discussion to stare at the experimental potion Severus had thrown together about half an hour ago. She didn't quite realize _when_ in the last hour she'd decided to tell him, but she knew then she was going to.

"Severus?" she said softly, looking up to him. Something in her voice made him look over at her, one eyebrow raised in curiosity.

"I'm… pregnant," she said cautiously, glancing up at him as she said the last word, "With your child."

She paused, then plunged on when he made no immediate remarks, "If you don't want to be involved, ever, that's fine. I've been doing a lot of thinking on it- and I won't even tell the baby who his or her real father is if you want it like that. I am completely capable of taking care of a child on my own- I'll be graduated before its born and I'm accepting responsibility for my actions. Also… I know you don't love me anymore and I'm sorry for the way I acted when I first came back. I won't bother you about it anymore. All I really wanted, I suppose, was acknowledgement from you- I couldn't just come back and… and… I only forgot to do the charm because you summoned me back and in all the mess of things… "

She stopped looked at him again, her expression serious, but his face was shadowed and she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Or even if he was looking at her. She stood up, knowing they couldn't go back to discussing time travel after that. He stayed silent, only the hushed sound of his breathing there to indicate his continued presence in this world. With a last look at him, she said, "I should… probably be going…" and she quietly left.

After leaving the dungeons, Hermione realized that she didn't really feel like going back to the common room- she couldn't quite face Harry and Ron, not when she'd finally given up on Severus- or rather, let him go. She needed a little alone time.

Which is how she found herself behind the castle, standing before the monument that had been constructed in August- the one honoring all those at Hogwarts who had died fighting Voldemort. Teachers, students, friends, family… It was a huge marble monolith, and in the moonlight it seemed to glow, the names carved into appearing to hover out above the stone. Hermione wondered if Madeline Saunders belonged on that list as she looked up, and found _Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster_ inscribed at the top.

She fell to her knees before the monument, feeling the last of her tears welling up inside her, then come pouring out in gentle sobs. It wasn't like the desperate crying of when she'd first come back. This was more… relieving. Final. She wasn't crying for what _was_, but what _had been_. When she was finished she sat down, leaning against the monument, the names of the dead supporting her.

A few of the names on the monument were ones that Hermione would forever mourn, Remus Lupin, Fred Weasley… And some of the names belonged to people she'd never met- though she'd probably seen them in the halls, passed them in Diagon Alley. For the first time, though, she felt completely confident about herself and the way her life was going.

_This is the way it is going to be_, she thought, resting her hands on her stomach- _Not quite the way I imagined it, but this is it_. And she knew she could do it.


	14. If You'll Still Have Me

**A/N: This story is co-authored by PhantomTigre- go check out her stories as well as others we've written together that we uploaded under her name!  
****Also, we'd like to respond to a few of the reviews we've gotten for the most recent chapters, but we'll do that at the end of this chapter so there's not an spoilers!**

"Ron, I haven't seen my parents in over a year. As much as I would love to spend Christmas with you and Harry…" Hermione trailed off, staring at Ron with slight amusement.

"Christmas day?" Ron pleaded, looking at her hopefully.

She sighed and then nodded, "Yes, all right." Then she turned and looked outside the windows of the Gryffindor common room. Snow was falling gently outside, and she felt a pang of sadness.

_Will I ever love anyone again?_ she thought, one handing slipping over to rest on her stomach. She wanted the baby to have a father but… she couldn't imagine loving anyone other than Snape. Even now, she still loved him. _Maybe I will love him my entire life_, she thought- and that wouldn't be so bad. She could live with that. He might even fall in love with her again, some day… But she wasn't going to pin her hopes on it anymore. There were other things in life- nothing as truly great as that special love that once in a blue moon two people share together, but there was still love with her friends, there would be her love for the baby, her parents love… Her life was a good one. It just wouldn't be… perfect.

"Heello? Hermione?" Ron asked, waving a hand in front of her face. She blinked, then smiled at him.

"I got lost in thought," she said softly, "I've accepted the fact that the man I love no longer loves me… I've been talking to him and all the misunderstandings I left behind with him have been cleared up."

She turned back to him with another smile, then chuckled at his expression- it didn't look as if he could quite comprehend being okay with one's love not loving you back.

"I'm fine," she said, then when his expression didn't change she said, "_Really_," and hugged him.

Hermione Apparated to the Burrow with a vague feeling of relief. She'd had to tell her parents everything that had happened. They didn't entirely understand the time travel part, but it had been hard to break their perfect image of her by telling them she was pregnant and wasn't getting married, nor was the father going to be involved with the child. Unless he was… Hermione hadn't really considered that aspect. She and Snape hadn't exchanged any more words since their last conversation and she was assuming he didn't want to play a part. She wondered what it would be like raising this child, with him coming by and sharing the responsibilities, but them not being together… Or would he consider just giving her money as sharing the responsibility? She shivered- she would not accept his money, even if he offered it. That would feel too much like… compensation.

That wasn't like him though… if he spoke to her again, and she thought he would, it would probably be to inform her he _did_ want to be involved. She wondered if she'd be able to live that way- knowing him, being around him for the rest of her life without actually _being_ with him. _If that's what I have to do, well all right then_, Hermione thought, and looked at the oddly shaped house sitting before her, smoke rising from the chimney into the noon time sky. The sun was glittering off the snow, sparkling, and it was really quite a beautiful Christmas.

Hermione stepped forward, smiling to herself, her boots sinking into the snow, and knocked on the door. Arthur Weasley opened it, and a smile appeared on his face when he saw her.

"Come in, come in," he said, holding the door open, and then shouted, "Hermione is here! Ron! Harry!"

There was a loud thumping as all the Weasley's- the ones left that is, came thumping down the stairs. Harry and Ron were first, identical grins on their faces, Ginny trailing behind them. Then came George, a little less candescent, and then the three older brothers and Fleur in more orderly fashion. Molly Weasley was in the living room, adjusting the ornaments on the tree. The house smelled wonderful, and it was warm, and Hermione felt that here was a place she was truly home.

They pulled in her, jabbering, smiling, and took her cloak and Arthur shoved a hot mug of chocolate into her hands. A table was set in the dining room, crowded and loaded with plates and dishes all waiting to be eaten.

Apparently they had been waiting for her to arrive, for almost immediately they were all seated and the food was being passed around the table. The air was happy, but Hermione sensed that the emptiness that was there too- George was quieter than he and his lost counterpart had been together, and the obvious not-presence of Fred was almost as tangible as if there had been an empty chair for him…

After lunch presents were exchanged, and the conversation dwindled into a few separate ones, as they all sat in the living room on various couches and chairs, and a few on the floor. Ginny, at one point, as the conversation drifted away from them, scooted close to Hermione and started a whispered conversation.

"How it going with you know who?" Ginny said, then winced and said, "_Him_?"

"I've told him," she answered back, "Though I'm not sure what his reaction is, as I left pretty much right after. He seemed shocked speechless."

"I can imagine…" Ginny chuckled, then chuckled harder and added, "I hope you two get married- it would never cease to amuse me!"

Hermione shook her head, a little sadly, and said, "I don't think that's going to happen. Nine years is simply too long."

Later that day as they had branched off into various parts of the house doing various activities, Hermione found herself cornered by Mrs. Weasley. She was in the kitchen, making herself a glass of tea while Harry, Ginny, and Ron played chess in the living room.

"Hermione," Molly said, coming up beside her, "May I have a word?"

"Of course," Hermione answered, looking over at her curiously as she stirred her tea.

"How are you?" she asked, a concerned look on her face.  
Confused, Hermione answered, "I'm fine, Molly."

Mrs. Weasley shook her head and said, "No, I mean how _are_ you? I know you've had time to settle back into being here, but I mean how are you in regards to this mysterious person you fell in love with that you refuse to tell Ron and Harry _anything_ about?"

"I think that is pretty much settled," Hermione said, looking at her tea, "But thank you for thinking of me."

"Hmm," Molly said- and Hermione could tell something else was on her mind, and sure enough, she added, "Did you know that you are pregnant, Hermione?"

Hermione, startled, looked back at Molly and answered, "Yes… but how do you know?"

"Woman's intuition," she answered with wink, then added, "I've had enough children to recognize the signs. Have you seen a Healer- Madame Pomfrey? Is Draco Malfoy the father?"

"No to both," Hermione said, shaking her head, then smiled and corrected, "Well actually yes, Malfoy is the father."

"Hermione!" Molly growled, suddenly morphing into a much taller, much louder, much scarier version of the protective mother figure she usually was, "I would have thought _you_ of all people would have been more careful! Don't they teach you anything at that school? You think I don't know what goes on in that school, all you kids sneaking off into those old closets Dumbledore never cleaned out! At least Arthur and I had the SENSE to use ANTI-PREGNANCY SPELLS!"

Hermione found herself shrinking back against the cabinets while Molly loomed over her, wondering whether or not to defend herself or simply be meek.

"Actually- it WAS an old closet that hadn't been cleaned out, you see there were spells drifting around in there and I didn't realize obviously until much later but some of the spells floating around reacted with the anti-pregnancy charm and it became null, but obviously you don't feel anything with the charm- it just works. Usually. So when I went back…." Hermione trailed off as she saw Molly's expression changing to incredulity.

"Oh really?" Molly asked.

"Yup, that's the way it happened," Hermione said trying to put on a placating smile. Behind Molly a few faces had peered into the kitchen- apparently attracted when Molly had screamed the word "anti-pregnancy spells."

Molly noticed she had an audience and frowned, pursed her lips, then gave a small smile, "Was that boy nice to you?"

Hermione blushed and said, "He's nothing like his father, if that's what you mean." _And so sweet he's offering to let people think my baby is his too…_

"Well," Molly said, still looking as if she strongly disapproved of the whole Malfoy-baby thing, and added on more softly, "I don't think you'll object then if we just pop over to St. Mungo's for a check up, then? How have you been eating? You're intending to keep the baby, then?"

Hermione felt slightly overwhelmed by this sudden barrage of motherliness after the barrage of screaming and she nodded as Molly steered her over to the cloakroom and got their cloaks. She nodded quickly and said, "I always eat well, Mrs. Weasley…"

"Arthur!" Molly called out and Mr. Weasley appeared by the door, "I'm taking Hermione to St. Mungo's for a check up- we'll be back in an hour or so. Nothing to worry about!"

He nodded, looking concerned, as Molly took Hermione's arm and pulled her along in Apparition.

They appeared in the reception lobby of St. Mungo's with a slight pop. Hermione peered around- the place looked the same as always, but this was the first time she was going for herself, and because of that, it felt different. In all her thinking about the baby, she hadn't quite realized that she should be seeing a healer about it.

"St. Mungo's doesn't actually handle check ups," Molly informed Hermione, "And what you need is a Midwife anyway, but they can be reached through St. Mungo's."

Hermione nodded, making note to herself that she needed to read up a bit on pregnancy and child raising… she'd been too preoccupied with Severus to think to actually _having_ the baby.

So they flooed to the Midwife's agency, where Hermione was given a check up and told that all was well and she should come back in a month or so- and that as she neared the end of her pregnancy the check ups would become much more common.

True to Molly's word, they Apparated back to the Burrow roughly an hour later. Molly had started going on and on about babies about midway into the checkup, and was currently relating a tale of when Ron was a baby and had peed all over some great-grandmother's carpet when Harry and Ron burst in upon them as they entered the door to the home.

"Are you all right?" Ron asked, looking worried.

"I'm fine," Hermione said, looking at Harry and Ron, "We didn't actually go to St. Mungo's- it's just they have a Floo connection to the Midwife's Agency…"

Harry and Ron stared at her.

"So it's Malfoy's," Harry finally said, looking disturbed.

"When can I kill him?" Ron demanded.

Hermione shoved past them and saw Ginny sitting at the kitchen table, an amused smile on her face. Their eyes met and Hermione knew the same thing was passing through their minds. Would she ever be able to tell them the truth? She turned back to Ron and informed him that there would be no Malfoy killing as the act of creating the baby had most assuredly been mutually consented and that yes, it _was_ Malfoy's and it was entirely her fault- "After all," Hermione said, "_I _was the one who forgot to perform a certain charm that I am sure you two, in all your celibate ways, do not know about but which Malfoy _does_ know about and made a point to inquire after." That pretty much shut them up and Christmas continued on its course. Relatively normally- except for Fleur's disconcerting comment about her and Bill thinking about having children sometime soon also.

OOO

Hermione sat in the hospital wing while Madame Pomfrey was tut-tutting in her office. She felt like the world was glowing around her- and though the world outside the window was glowing with reflected sunlight off the layers of snow- even the light indoors seemed softer. She was having a girl. A little girl.

Her hands were wrapped around her stomach- round enough now that if she'd been in the lighter summer robes people would have noticed. As it was- she was certainly noticing the fatigue and the changes in her appetite. Thank goodness the morning sickness had all but disappeared. She'd taken Severus's advice and stopped overdoing the papers he'd assigned and was using that time to go to bed early and sleep much later than she ever had in her entire time at Hogwarts.

Suddenly the door swung open.

"Please tell me you're not here for the reason I've been informed you are," Professor McGonagall snapped looking pointedly at Hermione's hands pressed against her stomach.

Hermione felt too happy to be bothered by this, instead she smiled and said pointedly back, "It's a girl."

The Headmistress fumed for a few moments before bursting out, "And you're _Head_ Girl! Examples! Responsibility!"

"Well I wasn't exactly Head Girl when it happened," Hermione reminded McGonagall.

McGonagall's face turned red and she said, "So it's _not_ true that Malfoy is the father?"

"It's simpler this way," Hermione explained, a tinge of sadness touching her voice, though she tried to keep it from being there.

"Yes, he knows," she continued, seeing the implicit question in McGonagall's eyes, "I told him I'd raise it alone."

"And I'm sure he agreed to _that_," McGonagall said with just a tinge of sarcasm.

Hermione did not tell McGonagall that she didn't know what Severus wanted, but the implications in McGonagall's words made her heart leap.

"Well, I'm not 'pursuing' him as you so advised me against earlier this year," Hermione said, "So I doubt he'd have the chance to be involved even if wanted to, I'm not exactly planning on sticking around after I graduate."

That took McGonagall aback. Then she nodded and said, "You're very mature Hermione, you know what you're doing, I should have trusted you. I have no fears for that child, if anyone is prepared to be in this situation it is you. But may I ask- what are your plans?"

"I want to go study at a foreign university," Hermione replied, "Maybe get an advanced magical certification in Runes or Arithmancy or…" she paused, "maybe time travel."

McGonagall sighed, "Time travel. I'm surprised you're not sick of it by now."

"Part of me is, but part of me wants to delve deeper into its secrets," she said with a wistful smile.

"I still have Madeline's, your, notes if you ever want them," McGonagall told her then coughed, "I found them badly transfigured into toilet paper, luckily I was the next one to use the bathroom and recognized them for what they were. I've kept them in the archives."

Hermione reminded herself to never get on Snape's bad side. Again.

"Yes, actually, I would like them," Hermione said, "I probably won't look at them until after I graduate- maybe longer. But I would like them eventually."

"You're not still, working on that problem are you?" McGongall inquired, "Now that you're safely back you couldn't possibly still be trying to figure out how it all worked…"

Hermione quickly recognized this as an attempt to get Hermione to admit whether or not she was associating with Severus.

"No, heavens, I barely have the energy to study for my N.E.W.T.S. . I'm still a student you know," Hermione stated, "But I've been keeping it at the back of my head, I _am_ still interested in how it all worked."

"Ah," McGonagall said, "On a different note, have you thought about concealing charms?"

"Yes," Hermione said, "I already talked to Mrs. Weasley about that; I'm sick of keeping secrets. No concealing charms."

"If you need anything," McGonagall said, "Or if your Head Girl duties become too much…"

"I'll let you know," Hermione finished. When McGonagall had left, Madame Pomfrey reappeared with a potion for Hermione to drink.

Hermione, Ron, and Harry sat up in the Astronomy tower, filling out star charts. They were supposed to be tracking the movement of Pluto, but none of them felt very engaged in the idea. Ron and Harry's charts lay off to the side, still rolled up, as they joked about Quidditch and if it was possible to fly brooms in space.

"But Muggles put a man on the moon!" Harry said, "Why isn't it possible with magic?"

"This is true, why isn't it?" Hermione asked, looking up from her star chart.

"Brooms don't fly that high," Ron said, looking up at the rising moon, a thin crescent, "Besides, the Muggles probably made all of that up, about space and stuff. Even if we could get to the moon, then what? Up to the stars? I wonder if we'd get stuck?"

"What?" Hermione inquired.

"In the sphere of stars?" Ron asked blankly.

"Hmm," Hermione said. Harry just looked puzzled.

The trapdoor suddenly swung up and Ginny's red hair appeared. The girl climbed up and came over to sit herself down by the wall with a sigh, saying, "Wow you guys are up late. Do you have to track Pluto all night?"

"Hermione's been making hourly observations," Ron said, "Right 'Mione?"

"Until midnight, then it's your turn," Hermione retorted.

"How's the baby?" Ginny asked, "I mean, isn't staying up late bad for you?"

"I'm fine," Hermione answered, "Besides, only Harry and Ron are staying up all night. I'm going to sleep at midnight."

"Way to rub it in," Harry said with a grin, "Maybe I should get pregnant too."

"Sorry I don't make sperm," Ginny said, reaching up an arm to squeeze Harry's knee, "That'd be kind of fun though. Just for a day, to see what it's like."

"Ummm," Harry said, "Please no. I don't know about your brother, but I'm not really into guys."

"Hey!" Ron said, "Just because Ginny is secretly a lesbian…"

"Anyway," Hermione said, "I've been meaning to tell you guys. I'm no longer pursuing my past lover. I've accepted that he's moved on, and I'm moving on too."

Then she looked at Ron and said, "I hope you're not gay Ron, because that would really close my options."

"I don't date pregnant women," Ron said, then hugged Hermione tightly.

"Is it over then?" Harry inquired, seriously, "No chance of getting back together?"

Hermione shrugged, "It's not important any more. We'll see once I graduate. Right now I'm more concerned about me and little Hermione here."

"I can't believe you're really doing it," Ginny said, "Having a baby all by yourself. I don't know if I could do it."

Hermione tousled Ron's hair, "Basically, I want to spend more time with you guys and less on myself. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

"Tell us who the real father of your child is," Harry spoke up, and Hermione realized that her lie about Malfoy being the father hadn't fooled either of the boys for a moment. She should have given them more credit than that. Of course they resented her not trusting them.

She said, "All right… But first I have one question for you, Harry."

Harry nodded, dark eyes serious, "Anything."

"Why did Snape kill Dumbledore?" she asked.

Harry's eyes narrowed, contemplating Hermione's reasons for asking, but finally said, "Because he wanted to die. He took an Unbreakable Vow, I told you about that, and he knew that Malfoy wouldn't be able to complete the task, knew that he'd have to do it. Do it or die. I think he wanted to die. Of course, Dumbledore had a different plan in mind once Severus told him about the vow, but that was why he took the vow."

Hermione's heart went out to this Severus, a few years in the past.

"And Snape… well he was loyal because he was in love with my mum, with Lily… and when Voldemort murdered her… And you know? No matter what, I can't hate him anymore. It's why Potions has been easier this year… even when he's a terror, we have an understanding… Now that he's saved my life… it's like he's no longer in debt to Lily, like he's free," Harry said, his voice getting quiet. His eyes were distant.

Hermione realized she could have told Harry from the very beginning. He would have understood.

"He's the father," Hermione stated simply.

"He who?" Harry asked, turning to look at her.

"Severus."

OOO

Hermione was walking down the hallway. It was almost April, and the snow was melted, leaving the ground damp and mushy. But warmth sang through the air like the chirping of the birds, and the halls were muddy from the feet of students being drawn outside by the soft sunshine. Two little feet were quite active but as of yet unmuddied. Hermione paused to put her hand on her stomach as little Hermione kicked.

"Just three more months," Hermione said softly to her baby, feeling less cheerful as she was struck by the sudden urge to pee.

She sighed, preparing herself to be late for another class as she hurried up a side hallway to the second floor bathrooms. On her way back, she heard two voices speaking from an office, and she paused to listen.

"-it took me a bit, but I see that the Hermione that came back after the year chasing the Dark Lord changed her. I didn't see that until I learned she was Madeleine," Severus's voice drifted out.

"I don't suppose I have to remind _you_ about student/professor relationships?" McGonagall said tartly.

Severus snorted and said, "You think I'm that kind of person?"

"I know you're not," McGonagall said, "But Hermione has never been one for rules. None of those three have."

Severus was quiet, and Hermione wondered if he was thinking of that kiss she gave him last semester… She crept closer, and peered through the crack in the partly open door, wanting to see his expression. She looked through, and saw his eyes snap to her, then just as quickly look back to McGonagall.

"I think she knows where the boundaries are," he said, "But once she graduates she will be her own woman. I don't know why she even needed to redo her seventh year… Hermione was far beyond that in almost all subjects ten years ago."

"But what about you?" McGonagall asked softly, knowing she was treading on thin ground asking Severus about his emotions.

Severus's eyes flickered back to Hermione's for a moment, and he said, "I don't change quickly. Even after ten years."

Hermione stepped back, her heart pounding. She heard the scrape of a chair from inside, and then McGonagall left the room, walking down the hallway away from Hermione and somehow not noticing her standing there, outside the door. She paused a moment, then stepped forward, looking into the room. Severus was standing there, waiting for her.

His eyes searched hers and he added to his last comment, "If you'll still have me."

"Of course I'll have you; _we'll_ still have you," she said.

"Both of you," Severus said with a nod, then hesitated.

Hermione smirked and said, "I don't think I know where my boundaries are."

A smile hinted at Severus's face, a smile like she remembered, one that hadn't graced his face in too long a time and he said, "You would have made an excellent Slytherin, Hermione."

Hermione closed the distance between them, placing her hands on his shoulders and leaned up to kiss him. His arms entwined around her. Never had anything felt so right.

THE END

**Response to Recent Reviewers:**

**Very Small Prophet- **_Thank you for your insightful reading of the last chapter! I'm not sure we'd call Snape a 'slave of duty' more than a 'slave of love', and since this doesn't actually come up in the story we don't feel bad telling- I do agree. I think Snape would indeed be unlikely to let Hermione raise a child of his alone, but I'm not sure that he'd immediately feel emotionally attached to it. Canon-Snape appears to have really only loved one person in his entire life, who both didn't return his love and wasn't a family member. While he did feel an obligation to protect her son because of the role he played in her death, he never even felt a little affection for Harry. I'm also not sure he's so noble as to hate himself and think he'd be a bad father. He does have some pride (evidenced by his rage when Harry calls him a coward), and while he doesn't seem to mind dying (by his intention to break his Unbreakable Vow), that seemed to me more because he has nothing to live for, at least once Voldemort is defeated. With this in mind, I think Snape's reaction to the scenario we wrote in the last chapter (staying hypothetical here) wouldn't be as extreme as you suggest. Either way, we love getting reviews like yours- it's always great to hear first hand interpretations of our writing! I went and read a few of yours stories and I love your portrayals of Snape. I think if we were going to go back and edit this story, taking into account yours (and other's) comments, we'd try and do some more work on both our presentation of Snape's character (he's always interesting to write, of course!), and of the relationship between Hermione and Draco. We might actually take out the pregnancy too... Anyway. Thanks for reading!_

**xXxAngelxGirlx13xXx-**_ Thank you for pointing out our mistake about Saunders/Berkeley! When we we first writing, we had Hermione call herself Berkeley, but half way through we decided to use Saunders instead, and when we edited earlier chapters we missed a few before uploading. _

**Artemis Decibal- **_No, I don't believe that men do the plotting so that women think they're doing the plotting. I think both sexes often find themselves in a position where they are trying to get the attention of someone they're attracted to and don't feel that being directed is the best method. And sometimes (like when both parties are shy) both of those involved are trying to think of ways to attract the other, or make their feelings known without directly telling. But generalizations are (generally, haha) not true. I think Malfoy is just being silly in this scene, too. _

**sandlapper**- _Thank you for providing actual critique on our story! I read your review, and I sat staring at it for a few minutes before telling my sister (PhantomTigre) to read it to. We agreed that you're absolutely right. Somehow, while we were writing this story, it seemed to work out but we agree now that while Hermione was feeling extremely lost and desperately in need of someone that she felt she could confide in (she could have confided in Harry, Ron, and Ginny right away, of course, but she didn't seem to know this), she probably wouldn't have actually starting sleeping with Draco Malfoy. As I mentioned above, if we ever get to rewriting this story, we'll definitely work on her relationship with Malfoy. We still like the idea of the two of them becoming friends, and of him being someone she finds that she can lean on, but we might take out the sex. Anyway, while terse reviews about how great our story are are excellent motivators and esteem-boosters, it's great to get actual critique every once and a while, so thanks for taking the time to think about our story as well as reading it!  
(**Angelwells**, as we acknowledged in Chapter 10, also pointed the discrepancy between Hermione's love for Snape and her relationship with Malfoy and we thank you again for critiquing us!)_

**Tiajei- **_Yes... PhantomTigre and I are suckers for characters becoming moms and writing about the things that unfold around it as a result, unfortunately. As I mentioned above, we're no longer sure that having Hermione become pregnant was the best idea for the story. But it is what it is! I really like your idea of Snape seeing Malfoy taking care of Hermione to instigate jealousy! Unfortunately, by then time we got your review, we'd already written the rest of the story and have been too busy to do much serious editing/adding in. And you're also correct about Malfoy's offer. Probably he wasn't thinking it through, haha. _

**Anyway, thank you to ALL of our reviewers. We've appreciated all the support and advice we've gotten for this story over our time writing it, and I hope that someday we'll be motivated to go back and fix it up to make it better. But not to be too self-detrimental- I write stories firstly for my own entertainment and I've really enjoyed writing this story. On the whole, I'm pleased with how it turned out (as measured by my own ability to re-read it and get sucked in) and I hope you have all enjoyed reading it as much as PhantonTigre and I have enjoyed writing it! **


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